14 Weeks...

June 24th, 2014
Tuesday
9:44 A.M.

So today 14 weeks have passed. Damn three and half months. Without you. Sounds weird. To whom am I telling this? To others or to me? More to me actually. Now when I'm sitting here in my bed alone, I'm feeling a little uneasy. It's so difficult to accept that I am still alive. Nah actually I am only breathing. I am not alive. Nothing inside me makes me feel that I  am living like before. That real me has lost somewhere in some other world.

That girl whose chirpy voice used to fill the aura with new melody.
That girl who was beautiful and messy at the same time.
That girl who was a rebel, who couldn't tolerate anything wrong happening in front of her.
The girl whose lips were always curved.

That sweet girl is lost. Yes I have lost myself in process of becoming yours. Now when I look back I fail to accept that It's me.

The way you are reacting these days has made clear that I mean a lot to you. I understand things cannot be like before and

Multiplied pain...Divided smiles

June 23rd, 2014
Monday
5:20 A.M.

Love, when you are ready not when you are lonely.

How true it is! I fell in love when I was lonely not when I was ready. Oh wait!  Do I know when I fell in love?  No, I don't even know when did I fall in love. Was it when I saw you in group with Priya and others?  Was it when we started talking privately leaving the group? Was it when we never asked for any formal intro? Was it when we got to know that we liked similar songs? Was it when we found out that we're similar in every way? Was it when we had first fight and missed each other like anything?  Was it when you told about Siona and I suggested you to go on even when I didn't feel good? Was it when you told me to back and hold my past again? In fact was there any moment when I wasn't in love or we we're not in love? Every breath is evident of our never ending love.

The time slipped like sand from our hands. The happiness is lost. The pain has become my forever companion. I won't be able to love or trust again. Day by day my pain is multiplying and my joys are getting divided.

Unending questions...

June 22nd, 2014
Sunday
6:30 A.M.

Weekend morning. I remember how special and important it was for me always. I used to wait for Sunday so that I can spend sometime with the one I loved(love). Now its no more significant like before. Not even as important too. Got no reasons to wait for Sunday. I miss those moments. I miss how I loved to smile with you. You made me feel happy. You made me smile. You made me feel complete.

Now when things have changed other way round I feel so incomplete without you. There is always a void within me. I feel hollow inside. It's so painful.

Why things have changed?  Why you are gone away? Why can't I feel like before?  Why can't I be happy like I used to be? Why I have to bear this unending pain? What was my mistake? Where was I wrong? 

Questions, questions and only questions. All unanswered. Why don't anyone come and answer me? I am tangled in the matrix of innumerable questions. People say it's better to let go off things and forget past. Why don't someone tells me how to erase the memories?  Is there any way to format life?

These mornings are no longer happier ones. I don't feel like getting up from bed and face everyone else. Above all I am having this headache. Today even though its light headache than previous days still I want to close my eyes again. I haven't slept whole night.

Last night Sweta and I were talking to each other till 2:00 A.M. at terrace.  We didn't discuss anything serious but I think it was for the first time in last four months when we sat together and chatted. I won't say I talked. It was only she who told me about so many things. I had nothing to tell. I feel mom or maybe any of my friend has said her to find out whats going on in my mind. The way she was trying to make me speak my heart out was definitely not her way to handle me. Whatever it was I want to say thanx to God for blessing me with a sister like her.

Dead end..

June 21st, 2014
Saturday
8:23 A.M.

Woke up with severe headache. It seems my head will burst with this pain. Things appear blurred to me. Don't want to leave bed. It hurts even if I try to raise my head from pillow.  I don't know how to say this to Maa that I'm not feeling good. She thinks everyday I've some or other issue. I wish someone could read my mind and understand what I want to say. Its so darn impossible for me to put  my feelings into words. Words don't come out easily as if they are struck in my throat. Even if I try to say something they come out like broken chunks, not to be understandable by anyone.

From last three days I am feeling so depressed. I have reason too for feeling so. A reason which is irrelevant to others but significant to me. I'm feeling suicidal right now. First this headache and then this strange feeling inside me is killing me. Its so painful to die in bits every moment.

People say life is the name of moving on. It never stops for me but for me time has seized. I'm struck to 11th March, 2014.

I am thinking to kill myself seriously this time.:'( I'm tired of this life. I can no longer endure this pain. I can't fight with myself anymore. It tears me apart to think that things will never turn up the way I wanted or I want. My all dreams are shattered. My all hopes are died. Every moment my past haunts me. I try to run away from all those memories but they clutch me in their sharp claws, tearing every bit of my soul, making me realize I am trapped in my past.

Committed to pain...

June 5th, 2014
Thursday
19:16 P.M.

Life is like a two faced coin. When you toss the coin you never know which face will be up. In the same way you never know when the days of heavenly realms will turn into nightmare.

During the days when we were together I never paid attention to anything else. Nothing mattered for me. Whatever was happening around me was of least concern. I never cared. All that mattered to me was You(still its you). All I needed was you(today also). But now when you're not around I feel so alone. I feel a part of me missing. I feel as if someone has taken out my soul. I feel empty.

I am wavering in my own world. I created this world with you, for you. Now when you're not the part of this world it fails to Keep me happy. There is a cacophony of voices in my head which I cannot decipher. Being stuck in these undecipherable voices is certainly not ingenious. I am screwed. It amazes me how much things have been changed in these three months.

Giving voice to unsaid was once my forte and today I'm unable to decipher the voices of my own mind.

Tussle of emotions...

June 4th, 2014
Wednesday
9:33 A.M.

You are in all my prayers...
Your memories are around me everywhere...
You are my divine song...
You are where I belong...

Everyday when I start writing this page I get confused from where to start, what to write, everyday the same thing that I miss you and you're all I want. Sounds creepy. I know.

I hope someone was there for me to understand and help me to give words to my feelings. I have so many things to say, so many emotions to express, so many words waiting to be said. Its a turbulent phase for me. Handling this tussle of emotions is a tough job specially when I have lost the one who used to understand my all unsaid words.

Today I am walking in a deep dark tunnel with no hint of any light. I sometimes want to scream that I'm tired of faking these smiles. I am broken and dead. I don't want to live anymore. I can't take all this anymore. I want to cry. I want to die. But I feel the voice of my soul is chocked in my throat.

I wonder where everything went so wrong all of a sudden. What let this coldness between us. We used to fight, get angry also but nothing had the power to drift us apart. Today everything has changed. Neither you are you nor I am I. All the love, desperation and passion has lost somewhere in an unknown zone where I cannot go to get it back.

So many random thoughts and uncountable emotions are bursting in my head waiting to be said and expressed. Long sleepless nights and tiring restless days with silent sobs have become my constant companions. I never expected this.

11:15 P.M.

Today once again your id was logged in for whole day. I was glad to see the online mark on it.

12 Weeks...

June 3rd, 2014
Tuesday
5:10 A.M.

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Okay so today 12 weeks are going to over. 12 weeks without you. Longest time spent without you. Big deal. Isn't it? Perhaps not for you, but for me it is. How silly of me! Opened my eyes and writing all this. Can't help it. As I woke up the first thing that came to my mind was the day. Every week this day comes and reminds of the day when we moved apart. The day I lost you.

So let me recall what all has changed in past 12 weeks since you left me alone. Actually let me reframe the question. What is same as before single you've left? I don't need to stress my mind to answer it. Simply the answer is NOTHING. Neither me nor anything else.

It takes lot of time to build a pyramid of cards but it takes just a slight blow of air to break it. My life has become the same stack of cards. It took two years to make our relationship so strong and unbreakable and it took just a moment to break all the promises and faith. All dreams shattered in just one moment. Smiles faded as if they never existed.

8:00 P.M.

Day is coming to an end. If I say I missed you a lot then there is nothing new. Missing you is like beating of heart, I cannot stop it even if I wish to. I was actually checking my mails sometime back. Whole of my Inbox, sent mails, starred mails, important mails, draft messages are filled with your messages. I didn't dare to open and read any of them.

It's painful to open and read them. I am already suffering from so much pain. I cannot take it anymore.

Hopeless...

May 31st, 2014
Saturday
6:35 A.M.

There are moments in life when you want to scream aloud, you want to express your pain but all you have to do is to fake a smile, showing you're fine. The same is happening with me. I am forcing smile on my face. Why we have to pretend what we are not? Why we have to show that we are okay when we are clearly not?

I am losing hope of regaining my strength back. The circumstances aren't in my favor I guess. Not even my luck is in my favor. My all ways to stay strong are failing one by one.

I was expecting Aarav's presence will help me to come out of my world of loneliness. Of course he is trying his best to cheer me up and make me smile. Yeah I smile too on his silly jokes but these smiles stay as long as he is around. As soon as he goes my smiles go away too. Rather I should say I fake smiles when we are together. I don't like seeing him sad. Why he should pay for something what he hasn't done? He has all the rights to stay happy.

2:30 P.M.

Okay so again I m not feeling good. No I have no reason why I am feeling musty. I was trying to write the new story but my mind isn't concentrated on story. Its wandering. My all thoughts have a final destination and that's you. Even today I think had you been here what would have you said. I am not interested in story anymore. No way to talk to you. Actually I have ways to contact you but the thing is there isn't any point in talking to you now. What will I say? What will I ask? I know you've no explanation for your act.

I am surprised at myself. I know everything. I understand everything. Then why the hell its so difficult to accept it? Why tears are filled in my eyes when I know I did no mistake? I don't know if you feel the same or not.

I can't help it. I have no one to talk to. Those who are here I don't like to talk to them and you're not here to listen me. I am giving words to my feelings. Though these words can never define what I am going through in real but I feel relieved after penning down my thoughts.

Why me...??

June 1st, 2014
Sunday
2:57 A.M.

Woke up a few moments before because of a nightmare. I am scared of sleeping now a days. It's not the first time I have woke up with cold sweat. From last few days I am seeing this nightmare. It feels I am falling from somewhere so high. Someone has pushed me I think. I am falling and falling. My eyes are shut with terror. There is no end. I want to shout for help but not able to speak. Its too dark. Before I touch the ground I woke up. I have seen this dream so many times. People say every dream has some meaning. I don't know what this dream wants to convey. It's not a dream for me rather its a nightmare.

I am actually terrified now. I cannot  share all this with anyone. Not even with mom and sweta as they will think its only my imagination. I am feeling so alone now. I have no one left in my life with whom I can share what I feel. I don't even have words to put together how much terrified I am right now. I am always afraid of dark and loneliness and only they are left in my life. Am I too bad? Did I do something wrong? Why all this is happening with me? Don't I deserve to be happy? What is my mistake? At least I deserve an explanation to know why I have to face all these sufferings.

I can't sleep back. This nightmare terrifies me. I have no one to talk with. The feeling of loneliness is the worst feeling in this world. Its better to die than to live like a corpse. I didn't ever know I'll become so weak without you. All I am doing is to drowning myself deeper in the sea of tears and sorrow. I am not getting any way to come out of this trauma.

From the day you've left me till today the pain has increased incessantly. I think about you, I miss you, I cry and cry endlessly.

Please come back:'( From anywhere and anyhow:'( I am dying here every moment.:'( I can't stop crying:'( Nothing and no one can bring my happiness back except you. Please please please come back. I don't know what to do to bring you back. Why can't you see my tears now? Don't you know you're my life? :'( please aa jao. Nhi reh pa rhi hu mai tumhare bina. Kuch acha nhi lagta. Kuch bhi nhi. Sab adhura lagta hai. Mai khud ko samjha bhi nhi pa rhi hu. Please wapas aa jao. Please aa jao. I don't know kya karu, kya kahu, kaha jau. I just feel like dieing. Kuch bhi samajh me nhi aa rha kya karu. I am tired of this crying and living without you. :'(

Sometime...All the time...everytime

May 30th, 2014
Friday
10:37 A.M.

It doesn't make sense to let go something you had for so long but it also doesn't make any sense to hold on when nothing is left.

Not having a good day. Feeling feverish and very uneasy. Eyes are paining too. Heart is racing frantically. M feeling as if something wrong is going to happen. Fingers crossed. I hope nothing wrong happens now. I have already faced a lot in past few months. Don't know why I am just not feeling good. I told this to mom also when she was working in kitchen but she said its all because of summer season. She didn't take my words seriously and somehow missed the expression of my pale face. I'm seriously not feeling good.

Today it's Aarav's birthday. I wished him in early morning when he was sleeping.  I am happy because my call made him happy. We're planning for a small gathering at his place as he is also not well. I have assured him that I'll come. I actually don't want to go but I don't have any choice but to meet him. He planned my birthday very well. Now its my turn to do something for him. I cannot let him down.

I am not worried about about meeting Aarav, I am scared of meeting other people at his place. I kind of feel scary in crowd. Too many people, laughing, talking, gossiping, asked questions... too much to take. Irritating buzz. I just feel like running. Running away from all that buzz.

In all these days I feel comfortable only in my room, in utter silence. Crowd, voices, questions, smiles they all make me panic. I don't know what is going to happen. I haven't decided what to gift him. Few days back I promised him to bring a nice shirt but that isn't enough. I have to think something more to make him feel special. His expectations must be high as he knows I'm good at making surprise plans. Little does he know that I'm not the same girl now. It's not easy for me to plan something special this time. I'm really scared and nervous too.

11:15 P.M.

Me-You=Emptiness

May 29th, 2014
Thursday
5:00 A.M.

Although we aren't together anymore, I still miss you the most.

Even when I have thousands of reasons to leave you, I always get one reason to hold on to you.  That one reason is LOVE. My love for you will never change. Today you're not here with me in my life but I cannot forget the time when you were with me, when I owned you.

So many times I want to go back to the time when we met first. No, not to hold you forever but to wipe out them from my life. It would've saved me from the pain I am facing today. For others its all rubbish to think love someone who actually doesn't exist now but I know you existed for me. The love between us was never fake. I know if I miss the time we spent together you must be missing them too. If I feel incomplete without you, you must be feeling alone too. If I miss your good morning wish, you'll be feeling restless too. I know you very well. If its hard for me to survive here, it cannot be easy for you either.

20:47 P.M.

Don't know why I am not feeling good. Maybe I am missing you. Having headache and eyes are paining too. Not feeling like talking to anyone. Day was okay. I have started working on a new story. I started this story long back but I didn't finish it. Now thinking to complete it. Very much confused about the names of characters. I wish I could ask you for suggestions. Right now I have chosen Shlok and Shruti but I ain't satisfied with any of them. It's not appealing to me. Had you been there, you would've helped me for sure. Unfortunately you aren't here. I know I cannot force you to be with me but I can wish at least.

You know what even today if I see a falling star I wish for you, even today if I bow my head to pray, I pray for you. Whenever I get hiccups I think it would be you missing me. I understand its all foolish but these things are beyond my control.

It's always you...

May 28th, 2014
Wednesday
20:48 P.M.

Everytime I try to move on you are there. Everytime I try to hold you, you are gone.

I actually don't know from where to start. Every breath I take has your memories. Even if I try to convince myself that it has to happen someday so I don't need to think about all this, my heart won't accept it.

I don't know if I miss you or I'm missing myself. Nothing makes sense to me. How things started to how things ended, everything is so confusing. I tried to recollect when I started falling for you. I couldn't remember anything. I guess we had some strange bonding since start. I still remember the first time I noticed you was when Priya introduced you ad her bf. We had talked earlier too but that was the first time when I noticed you. After that I don't remember how we got separated from the whole group. I can't recall anything about the time I started loving you. Maybe I don't remember about the day, date or time but one thing I am sure about is that it was always you who made me happy.

Nothing as changed today also. Even today only you are the one who has the power to make me smile. Thank you so much that you wished me. I don't know if you hadn't wished me how would I had spent my day. Maybe in tears. You know I haven't opened some of the gifts yet. Getting gifts and opening them as soon as possible was a craze for me but this time they are still wrapped and kept in my cupboard. I am not feeling to open them.

I really wanted to show you the pictures of party and gifts. I wanted to tell you everything about my day. I miss our old conversations when I used to tell you anything and everything on my mind. Missing you isn't something I do willingly. It happens itself.

11 Weeks + happy birthday to me + added smiles..

May 27th, 2014
Tuesday
12:47 A.M.

What a day! 11 weeks of our falling apart and my birthday. Receiving wishes from everyone. Calls, texts, whatsapp, gmail all are flooded with wishes. Happy, smiling, getting gifts.. what else is needed for a happy birthday? I know you remember my birthday. You can never forget it. Not even in your dreams. It's not my blind faith, its my love. I know you. I know you'd be thinking to wish me too but the anticipation of you should or you should not is stopping you. I really wish you'd wished me first like last year. It would've multiplied my happiness. But it's okay. I have no right to expect anything now. I have no right over you. You're no more mine. I know its stupid but I am still hoping that you'll wish me. I am eagerly waiting for you to wish me. Maybe just a simple text but please wish me. I cannot sleep. I know you must be awake too. I wish we could talk. I wish you could make me smile again like before.

5:14 A.M.

New day, new hopes, new life. By now all my close ones have wished me, except the one who is closest to my heart. You haven't wished me yet. Am I hoping too much? My heart says you can never forget my birthday. You maybe feeling the same as I. Confused. See where life has taken us. just 11 weeks ago we used to share every breath ours and today we're confused how to strike a conversation. Funny. Isn't it? I'm feeling like dying on my own birthday. I'm not feeling happy at all. Received wishes and gifts in night itself, still there isn't smile on my face and eyes are wet. I really don't want to cry. My sad face will make others sad but I am scared that I'd be able to hold my tears for too long.

7:10 A.M.

Omggggg.. you wished me. I can't believe it. Thank you sooooooo much. I knew it. I knew you can never forget my birthday. I knew you'll wish me. I know you well. I cannot be wrong when it comes to you. Your gtalk is activated again. I'm more than happy. You know what I am still crying. I know I'm silly. I have always heard about tears of happiness. Today I know what actually it means. I am happy still I have tears in my eyes.
I want to reply you right now but I am scared. I want to say thank you for making my day special but I've not replied you only because I am scared it may bring a new start. It may begin an end. I may not be replying you right now and I won't reply later too but it's just because I have no strength to go onto same phase.

11:35 P.M.

Day is coming to an end. It was overall a good day. Shipra, Shivangi, Deeksha, Sameer, Ankit came to home. I saw Shipra after her birthday on march 30th. I am glad she came. I know she was upset with me since her birthday still she came here. It's a big deal to me. We had a great time together. We talked a lot, laughed, discussed everything we could. It didn't feel that we met after two months. With others too I had good time but Shipra means more than anymore to me.

In evening I went out with Aarav, Iti, Priyam, Vidit, Nits and Ananya di. I had severe headache but I could not cancel the plan. They all wanted me to come. I went only half-hearted. I know they all love me and in last few days the way I have behaved isn't right from any way. I have to make everything right once again. I cannot let everyone down.

They all got unexpected gifts to me and the most unexpected gift is given by Aarav. Guess what he has gifted me. He has gifted me a GUITAR. Yes, a brown colour acoustic guitar. I have received so many gifts today from jewelry to handbag but this one is so special. I am actually surprised how he thought of such a gift. I mean I don't even know how to play guitar. Second best gift of this special day. Obviously first gift is your wish. Without that my happiness would've been incomplete.

We cut the cake and celebrated. One more unexpected thing happened today. I had vodka. Yeah after a long time I tasted alcohol.

Mixed feelings...

May 25th, 2014
Sunday
5:25 A.M.

Getting over someone is just a false notion. The truth is that we just learn that someone can never be ours.

I hate myself. I can never forgive myself. I am the one responsible for my condition today. No one forced me to be like this. Why I am punishing myself when I clearly know that it wasn't my mistake? Why I cannot think beyond you? Morning to evening your thoughts linger in my head. They mess with my emotions. I

Embracing pain...

May 26, 2014
Monday
20:44 P.M.

I've gone over this my head over and over but never thought it would hit me so hard. It's not about how much I miss you, its about wondering if you miss me too.

I will never understand in my life why I love you so much. Your every move makes my world upside down. Just saw that you have signed out your gtalk id. My heart lost all its beats for a moment. Why its hurting me? We weren't talking either. It should not affect me now. But see I am not able to stop my tears. When it comes to you my mind loses all its powers to think and respond. I forget everything else. I don't get what to do and how to react to the situations.

It's so much painful to not see you online. Maybe you've just set it on invisible mode but its like I've lost you allover again. Why I think I have lost you when you're not even mine? Life is so  complicated. You're not here still I feel you around. Its been 11 weeks I've not heard from you still I want to share every moment of my life with you. When I stay alone I think that I'll tell you so many things, things that are happening around me, things that I want to do, something that I am feeling or actually everything under the sun.

I need you. I want you to tell me that everything is going to be fine. I want you to tell me that you'll never leave me alone. I know its a wish which is never going to fulfill but its not easy to convince my heart. Its my stubborn heart which wants you, you and only you.

I'll never be okay without you...

May 23, 2014
Friday
5:12 A.M.

Morning rays are scattering over the sky, lightening the world of people. Sun can only light up the world not my heart. Only you can bring the light in my dark world.

Moment by moment days are trailing. Some moments I miss you and some moments I miss you more. There isn't a moment when I can say you're not there in my thoughts.

How can someone rule over my heart like this? It's a question for me too. The more I search for answers the more baffled I get. Things are improving. I have learnt to fake smiles in front of others. Deep inside my heart I know how much pain is behind these smiles. Whenever I sit alone I want to cry and sometimes I cry too. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you the things I cannot tell to anyone else. I want you to make me smile. I want you to argue with me that I am your baby, only yours.

I don't know how are you there but I ain't okay without you here. I'll never be okay without you. Maybe you've moved on, maybe you miss me. Maybe you played with my feelings, maybe circumstances made you do this. Maybe... No matter how many times I try to make myself understand that you're not in my life now, I'll never accept it in real.

6:59 P.M.

I came back with Aarav and his sister today. We had very short conversation as Ananya di was also with us. She knows about the incident but not completely. She knows that I have lost someone I used to love a lot. She doesn't know I have still not moved on. My silent and reserved demeanor is enough to make anyone understand that I'm changed. Aarav asked me for ice-cream and guess what I said that I don't want. He insisted many times but I really didn't want to eat. Strange for him. I used to fight for ice-cream always. I loved it because you used to stop me. Now you're not here to stop me and I don't like to eat it.

Old vs new...

May 22nd, 2014
Thursday
7:00 P.M.

When I see other people being with each other madly in love I feel so uncomfortable and lonely. Not because now I don't have someone by my side, its because once I had you who loved me like no one can love to anyone. The worst part of being in relationship is that once it is broken you feel more lonely than you ever felt when you're single.  Its kinda same for me. I was fine when you didn't enter into my life. At least I knew I have to make it on my own alone. But then you came into my life. You made me believe that I am not alone. You are always with me. You promised that no matter what happens you'll never leave my hand. I was so proud to have you. I still am.

Today I talked to someone on chaty and he told me that you always used to ask about me whenever I wasn't there. I have saved his screenshots. It felt good to know but it hurts equally. Wasn't that love? You're always so much caring and possessive for me. People in love do this. Wherever I go people ask about you. They want to know where are you. They want to know how our relationship is going on. It hurts extremely. I don't get words what to say. I have no answer. I don't know where are you. I don't know how are you. I don't know how to say our relationship no longer exists.

6:44 P.M.

You remember sometime back I had lost my gold chain & ohm pendant. Today I went to jewellery showroom to buy new pendant and chain. I haven't purchased chain for myself as I have another one too. Instead I bought a ring and a new Ohm pendant. I wanted to send you pic but I don't know whether you'll see them or not. The day when I had lost my pendant I had cried whole day as it was a memorable gift to me. Now I have got a new one but its not as special as the previous one was.

Recounting past...

May 21st, 2014
Wednesday
8:40 A.M.

I am going through the toughest phase of my life. Days come and go but your memories only come they never leave. Yesterday 10 weeks got over. I don't know if you remember me or not. More than two months is enough time to let go things. Specially for you as there will be celebration time at your home. Had everything been fine, it would've been a celebration time for me too. Aarav, Iti, Priyam, Ananya di, Sweta, Vidit everyone is enjoying. I smile too with them but they don't know this smile is fake. It's just a way to show them that I am fine.  The truth is that I am not fine. I still miss you like anything. Even today whenever there is a buzz on my cellphone I expect it to be you.

Last night Aarav texted me late night to talk. I really thought it would be you. I was highly disappointed to see it was he. Still I replied to him. We had a normal chat and than he asked me about you, indirectly of course. I didn't know what to say. I switched off cell without saying bye.

He didn't take your name but the way he asked about you brought back all the memories associated with you. I was thinking how I used to wake you up in late nights. How much I loved it. Those beautiful moments. Those silly cute romantic chats. Those awesome stories. Stories no one else can tell. Stories I loved like anything. Every single story was the best in itself. Even the best selling authors of this whole world can't write such lovely stories to make me smile.

I crave for those stories. Come back please. When you're with me I always had a peaceful sleep cuz I knew you're with me. Now these sleepless and restless nights make me miss you more. I get scared of even a slightest voice. So many times I stay lost in thoughts so deeply that if anyone speaker I almost shiver. Love is seriously the most dangerous weapon used for killing.

10 weeks..

May 20th, 2014
Tuesday
20:36 P.M.

The waiting moments pass too slow. Today 10 weeks are over. To me it seems eternity when I think about the moments we last had conversation with so much love. And when I think of that deadly moment when we lost our ways I feel like it happened yesterday.

The more I try to forget about you, the more I remember you. Yesterday I talked to Nakul. I am sure you would have forgotten about him. He is the same guy about whom you once said that he isn't a good guy and I should stay away from him. I had blocked him right then. By chance we are in contact again. We had a small chat yesterday. He told me about Siona. Now I am sure you would've got who is Nakul. The name Siona... it made me remind so many things. The things you'd told me before we came into relationship. I didn't say anything to him whatever you told me but my short conversation with Nakul has left me puzzled.

Crucial day...

May 16th, 2014
Friday
5:54 A.M.

Morning. Can't wish good morning as it's not going to be good for me. It's a crucial day for many reasons. Iti, her family and Aarav are coming today also election results are going to be declared. Election results are already known that Modi will be our next PM. I am worried about my meeting with Aaru and Iti. I am feeling very uncomfortable. Just few more hours and they all will be in Kanpur. I have just switched my cell and got Aarav's texts that he is very eager to meet me after such a long time. The more eager he is, the more nervous I am. I hope things don't turn out to be wrong anyway.

11:15 A.M.

I have activated FB once again. Seeing those old posts is atrocious. I have hidden all the posts from timeline so that I don't have to see them every time I go through my own profile. Now those posts don't show your comments. They show only my part of conversation but I remember everything you wrote. I saw a few posts. They made me lost in the vision when we used to play on comments. Your name on my status. Gosh! I don't want to cry again.  You're nomore a part of my life still you are in my mind all the time.

6:51 P.M.

Iti, her family and Aarav have arrived Kanpur this afternoon. They are quite excited to meet me. Aarav is little upset. I don't know why. We had a few words and I felt some change in his voice. I am scared now. I hope he isn't upset because of me.

How to face...

May 15th, 2014
Thursday
20:51 P.M.

The urge of this heart that I want you, just you and only you will kill me someday...

All I want is you and nothing else. I didn't know life would be so difficult to live without you. Today after gathering all my courage I activated my FB once again. Can you believe it I deactivated it within 10 minutes? Do you know why? The cover pic was my name you wrote on your hand which reminds me of you. The statutes show the number of comments which were yours. The posts I updated on special occasions to wish you remind me how much you loved me. The love announcement update which has our story and pic of K..... damn I can't even his name. It hurts so much.

Tomorrow Iti is coming to Kanpur with her family along with Aarav. Very soon I have to face her. I can handle Aarav but Iti... how will I face her? I am not sure if I am thankful to her for what she did or I am angry with her  for bursting the bubble of my happiness. Even after viewing the profile of K... I trusted you, I wanted to be with you. I wish I had never shared all that with her. I know she was concerned about me but the step took to make everything right was wrong.

I have to face Aarav as well. He was always against our relationship. He warned me so many times not because he was jealous, actually he was worried. The way our relationship was progressing from one step to other so quickly was making him uncomfortable. His intuition was right. Everything ended so abruptly as he had predicted. I know he won't raise this topic as he knows how painful it is for me to remind the past and answer his questions. Still I am feeling so uneasy. Meeting everyone, pretending that I am moved on, unfazed, nonplussed with whatever happened is going to be treacherous for me. Faking smiles and showing I am happy isn't easy for me.

The biggest problem is I can't escape from this situation. In fact I can't even tell anyone what I am feeling at this moment. In few hours they will arrive to Kanpur. Aarav is so desperate to see me. I am sure he'll come to meet me tomorrow itself. I can't even avoid him this time. I'm afraid I'll give up as he will come in front of me.

Evidences of past...

May 14, 2014
Wednesday
20:08 P.M.

The pain of seeing the physical evidences of something which no longer exists except in memories, is excruciating.

Whenever I see our old mails, texts and screenshots a saddened smile play across my lips. You also must be having hundreds of them. I know just like me you can't delete them. They are so precious to both of us. In fact we have different screenshots of our texts which we used to like distinctly and save them to show them to each other.

I remember how you used to send me my own texts whenever we had a fight reminding me my promises . Today I want to send you your texts to remind you your promises and swears. I always trusted you more than anyone. You made me believe in love. You made me smile. You made me believe in all the promises we did. Now where are you? How can you abandon me when I need you most? You are the one who taught me how to live with smiles, now come back and tell me how to live without you. Every time I see those mails I can't stop myself crying.

You know what today it's Mom-Dad's anniversary and I wished them casually early in the morning with no gift. I haven't got any gift this year because initially I didn't remember and later I didn't feel like going to market and buy a gift.

9 weeks...

May 13th, 2014
Tuesday
5:49 A.M.

'Good morning my princess ' I am really dying to receive this text from you. There are so many people who still wish me good morning with their love but none is as special as yours was used to be.

9 weeks, more than two months, more than enough time to accept the reality. How can I be so silly, keeping track of each and every passing moment. If I'll keep thinking about you like this, how will I get over you? See its so early morning and I am thinking about you. I can skip breathing but not your thoughts. I am quite amazed at my own demeanor. The girl who used to give damn to the world is now lost somewhere. These mornings, in your absence, have lost their importance. Missing our loving cozy moments like anything.

12:30 P.M.

Finally I give up on myself once again. Just 5 minutes back I was sitting in Mom's room and don't know why I started feeling so uncomfortable and tears appeared in my eyes. Mom noticed my expression changing and asked what's wrong. I said nothing. I knew she would ask more questions. I have no answers to her questions so I came back to my room and now crying for no reason.  Am I missing you? Is this because today 9 weeks have been over and the memories are haunting me? I don't know what the reason is but I am feeling broken and lonely. Why can't I behave normally like others? Being emotional is dangerous sometimes. It's deadly. My own emotions ditch me and unfortunately I am not good in faking emotions. I can't do it. When I am not happy I can't  pretend to be happy. I don't understand why these tears don't dry up and stop flowing.

Why can't I...

May 12th, 2014
Monday
6:51 A.M.

Why am I afraid to lose you, when you are not even mine...???

One more morning without you. 62 days have bygone when we had our last conversation. I didn't know this would be so difficult to live without you. We have moved apart. Things have changed. You have changed. Life has changed. Then why I still love you the same way? I don't have any answer of my own questions.

Yesterday almost all day I had tears in my eyes(right now also). I am sure you must have forgot the date. Or maybe not as you always remembered the dates related to me..to us. Its so hard to believe you can live without me. I had tears in my eyes and Sweta realised there is something troubling me. She came to me and fed me chocolate, applying it allover my face, playing chocolate holi with me. I appreciate her efforts to make me happy. She is the best sister anyone could get.

6:57 P.M.

By chance I just remembered that today three months have passed when that Love Announcement was posted on FB. Memorable moment ever. Despite of suffering with high fever I was enormously happy and as far as I know you were happy too. That post, unlimited likes, blessings, comments, huge applauding response. I was elated with joy. Whole world got to know how much we love each other.

I wish I could foresee my future at that time and could know that we would apart someday like this. That  would have saved me from all the pain I am going through now.

I am feeling frustrated right now. Little angry at myself. Why the hell I can't get over you? When I know there are no hopes left, why can't I forget you? It's really painful to remember the happy past and ruining my present with those happy memories. I feel my own emotions are playing with me. One moment I feel angry at myself, next moment I start missing you again and later I feel tears filling my eyes. Its disgusting how I am crying over you when I don't know if you even remember me or not. :'(

2 months...

May 11th, 2014
Sunday
3:54 A.M.

Time isn't flying, its crawling without you...

Today 2 months are going to complete of the storm which took you away from my life.:'( I'm missing your presence so badly. Wide awake in dark night, silently sobbing and wishing you were here to say, "My princess doesn't look while crying. " Missing you so badly. Just can't stop crying. Please come back.:'(

Why can't you see that even after two months of our drifting apart I am unable to forget you? Are you happy without me? Don't you miss me as badly as I do? What did you get by doing all this to me? I  just can't get over you. Its so difficult to stop or hide tears. I want my smiles back. You have no right to snatch my smiles. You can't do this to me. :'(

12:48 P.M.

Seeing you online and curbing the desire to text you is irresistible. I don't text you even though I am dying to talk to you. No gtalk, no kik, no gmail, no texts and I have use every bit of my will power to resist texting you. I find it so odd, we were never like this. I used to flare up in an instant before but now all I see is my wet eyes.

As I see your id showing you online my heart starts racing. So many memories associated with this id and your name. Indelible memories. Its been 2 months today but it takes a split second to bring me back to the memories of our time together. I have to force myself to not get so emotional. I cannot concentrate on anything. I feel as if I am miles away from everyone around me. I am in some different world of my own. A world where nothing matters to me except you.

I am here sitting alone in my room, working on lappy and seeing my tears falling on keys of lappy. I haven't changed the wallpaper of my lappy. Its still the same pic you sent to me in which you wrote my name in your hand. The pain in seeing the evidences of something that no longer exists except in memories is excruciating. My ashen face says it all. Anyone can figure it out how painfully I am surviving without you.

I am still trying to compose myself but the truth of all that you and I meant to be together is haunting me. For me you're still the most lovable person I ever came across in my life. No one, just no one matches you or maybe I am too obsessed with you to see others with the same point of view. I don't want to revisit the past. Its a complete torture to do so but your memories are so powerful to conquer and I am so  powerless at this instant.

I rack my brain hard to forget you and indulge myself in other things around but it never happens. You're not a part of my life anymore. I am done with it. It is the past. Everything is over. I repeat these words in my mind over and over. Yet my heart refuse to listen. There is always a combat between my mind and heart. Finally its the heart that always wins.

Two years...how quickly time ran out before we could  even realise,  it slipped out of our hands. I remember how everyone used to tell me, 'You guys are the most lucky couple and you both are going to be happy together for the rest of your lives.' I used to blush at such compliments. I was always so proud to have you in my life. I didn't ever think that one day you will walk out of my life leaving me alone.

This date sends jitter down my spine. The same date when you and I drifted apart never to be together again. Now even after two months of this incident I remember every bit of that day. How Avantika di texted that she wants to talk, how your dad told me the truth, how Avantika di tried to console me, how you talked to me and said sorry, how I kept on crying, how my all dreams shattered into pieces, how my family was shocked to see in such state, how I died at that very moment.. I remember each and every detail of that night.

Although I am not convinced with whatever story your family told me yet I had no option that time and moreover I was too broken to react.

I want to meet you right now and show you all the mails, texts, screenshots and pictures.  I want to ask you what was all that? Why the hell you did this to me? Why you made me believe you are the one for me? Why you always made me stay when I wanted to walk out? What happened to all those promises and swears you took on me and your mom? Damn how can you swear on your mom when you didn't mean it? Don't your mom matter to you? I was a stranger but your mom was close to you. How could you take false swear of your mom? Don't you have conscience?  Don't you have heart? How do you face yourself? 

Another world...

May 10, 2014
Saturday
15:37 P.M.

How funny is it the moments which once made me laugh until my stomach ached and my cheeks started paining now make me cry. We were inseparable. Ours was the love people only imagine in their dreams. The beautiful relationship which I thought would last forever or more. And one out of the blues you left me alone in this mean world. A world where smiles, relationships, love, trust, joy doesn't exist. I am all alone in this world haunted by your memories. Each and every day I convince myself that its all over and I should stop brooding over my past. Sometimes I get successful in convincing myself and other times I fail miserably.

Today Shashank planned to come over here and spend time with me. He has come to Kanpur specially to meet me. I was also okay with it till early morning. When we had conversation in early morning, I felt he was really concerned about me. That made me feel so guilty. I knew I couldn't face him and thats why on the last moment I cancelled our plan to meet up. I know he is very upset with me and for next few days or months we aren't going to talk. I have lost one of my support system in this lonely phase of my life. You, Shipra, Maa-Papa, Ashu, Aarav, Iti, Yash and now Shashank, I have lost everyone who used to be by my side in all my ups and downs.:-(

Excruciating loneliness...

May 9th, 2014
Friday
5:03 A.M.

I'll never get over you getting over me..
I'll never get over you getting over me..
I know that I should move on in my life..
But a life without you could never be right..
I'll never get over you getting over me...

This song is playing over and over in my playlist and on my mind as well. The lyrics are so touching, seems made for me. Definitely I know I should now move on in my life leaving my past and you behind. But I have no strength to take the leap once again. When you stepped into my life I took a leap of faith and tripped so badly that it still hurts so painfully. The healing is yet to begin. I want to die, but keep on living like a dead for some obnoxious reason. I keep on craving for your presence. Your thoughts fill my mind. The silence and the beauty around me has lost its meaning.

It's early morning and everyone is in deep slumber except me. I am wide awake thinking of you. I just can't let go this feeling of emptiness. The sad memories of past events don't allow my soul to rest in peace. It's totally impossible. Why can't I stop thinking about you? There is something which pulls me towards you. No matter what I start thinking about, my thoughts always end up on you.

Meditation, counseling, friends, family, music, internet, books nothing... nothing grabs my attention like before. As soon as my eyes open the first thing I do is to see your online status and even if due to network error it shows you offline, my heart stops beating. The anxiety of checking you online is always so high.

I never I would feel so alone without you. It's quite irritating Sometimes when I try to escape this lonely feeling and indulge myself in other activities but my all efforts go in vain the very moment when I think what you would have said if were here with me. At that very moment I just need you like anything.

Trivial yet significant...

May 8th, 2014
Thursday
11:21 A.M.

It's not love that hurts. What hurts more is being hurt by someone you love unconditionally.

8th may...remember this date?  The date which is perhaps trivial now but it was significant once. One of the awaited date of every month. I don't think even a single month when we didn't wish each other on this day and most of the times exactly at midnight. On those loving moments, the thought that we'll move apart someday never crossed my mind. The promises we made to live happily ever after are broken now.

It's the second month when you haven't wished me. I don't expect even that you would wish me. I am trying hard not to set false expectations anymore.

It gives me a creepy feeling when I realize I still miss you like anything. This is downright ridiculous. The memories sprint in my mind again and again. You're more like a drug to me which I need badly to survive.

How every single moment with you was so heavenly. How every moment without you has become worst than hell. When I think of days with you everything seems so perfect but as soon as I think of my present I realize I am caged in my past unable to free myself.

All in vain...

May 7th, 2014
Wednesday
9:42 A.M.

You still have the power to make me smile even when you're the reason I am sad.

Its so difficult to let go of the past, when it holds the best memories of life. No matter how hard we try to erase those memories from our mind, our heart just doesn't allow it. Some feelings are so complicated to understand.

I had had the best times of my life with you. When I see screenshots of those long gone days they really make me smile. Your cute nothings still make me smile. Our relationship had a strong foundation of love and understanding. Don't know how it crashed so easily.

As they say once a piece of thread is broken, it can never be joined without a knot. I don't completely agree with it because as I remember every time we had a fight and we moved apart, we came even more closer. In last two years I had lived a different life altogether with you. Our bond was unbreakable. I remember how everyone used to get jealous of our love. How everyone used to question me about our relationship and romance. No couple could have loved as passionately as we did. You always made feel like I was perfect even though I know I ain't. Despite of so many differences and ups and downs, I was always dedicated to you and so were you. I loved to spend every second of my life with you. I never knew things would go out of place one day. I wish I had known that you would leave me alone to die one day.:'(

My all efforts to forget you go in vain. I cannot forget you ever. It seems you have conquered my heart and mind.

8 weeks...

May 6th, 2014
Tuesday
6:23 A.M.

Before I could blink 8 weeks have bygone. I'm supposed to forget you now. I should have move on. There isn't any hope that you'll come back. I should stop day dreaming that you'll be missing me. But you know what it isn't as easy as it sounds.

As I think of that terrible evening my heart sinks and my eyes well up. It was a big shock which hit me like a tornado. I am left alone, unhappy and depressed. The words of your dad play again and again in my mind. A blatant truth made my world spined around. I have lost my race against time. Every moment seems same.

I feel trembling as I remember those lethal memories of 10/11th march 2014 and their crystal clear image in my mind. I want to erase all those memories. I am unable to comprehend what went wrong. Those cold vibes between us. I can't make out any decision. I am sitting here numbed and clueless. Why you did this to me? The very thought of it is disgusting. It send jitters down my spine. Broken, devastated, shattered, lonely, suicidal.. the feelings I never felt before. Where have those cherished moments gone when I used to hide my smile to avoid any query about why I am so happy?  Those never ending talks. Those never fading smiles. Those love filled moments. All gone now. I should have known nothing lasts forever.:'( The words of your dad and sister slid the ground beneath my foot. That was the end of everything.. my smiles, my happiness, my love and my life. Everything seems so empty and meaningless without you.

I don't know how to console my heart and make it believe that whatever happened was for real. It wasn't a dream. I wish I could tell you how I am feeling without out but I doubt you'll ever understand what a true and genuine relationship means. After you I am wary of getting close to anyone. I am scared of any kind of closeness or any relationship. I am okay with my loneliness. I am filled with a deep sense of loss. How wonderful relationship we had. Its all a past now. See once again my eyes are cheating on me. I don't want to cry but they aren't following what I want them to do.

I am missing you:'( I wish you were here to tell me that Kanyu everything gonna be okay.

And the reason is you...

May 5th, 2014
Monday
7:10 A.M.

A shudder passes through my body as I see you online. I recall the period of my life when we used to stay online only for each other. I don't know if our relationship fell apart because of the truth I came to know or not. All I know is that I am shattered and I am in no frame of mind to comprehend anything.

I think I am the only one crying out here. My tears are not only because of my helplessness in the whole matter. My tears are also for an end of a relationship that meant the world to me. My tears are for my mom's grief. My tears are also for my own lost identity.

Throughout the journey of our relationship you supported me unflinchingly. Perhaps if Iti hadn't planned it secretly and proved it publicly, things might have been different for me. Perhaps I had believed everything you said. Sometimes I wonder if all this hadn't exposed in front of whole world, I might have been with you today. Even though it's too late now to think what could have been, my thoughts find their way to you, an ugly reminder of what it would have been. Your thoughts still stir a storm inside me, though outwardly I look calm and composed.

Clumsy emotions...

May 4Th, 2014
Sunday
5:57 A.M.

"True love has it's own miraculous power..."

Opened my eyes a few minutes back. I wish I could wake you up like I always used to and sleep back after our lovey dovey moments of romance. I want to revive every single moment we spent together. But just because it's not possible now I was rereading our gtalk chat. Have a look on our last chat of gtalk on December 8th,2013. Yes our anniversary day conversation. On the same date my blog was published on newspaper. How happy we were on that day. Reading horoscopes of each other, celebrating our anniversary along with the happiness cuz my blog was published in newspaper. Certainly one of the best day we celebrated together. I want you to go through your own texts. Just check them once how jealous and angry you were on Aarav just because he called me Baby and I called him sweetheart. How furious you were telling me that you want to punch him and you don't like the way he interferes in our life knowing that we are in a relationship.

I have just read the texts we exchanged on that day. I am in utter shock. After going through the whole conversation we had I cannot believe you don't love me or there were no emotions. I seriously want you to read it once and answer me what was all that if not love. Why so much care? Why so much hatred and jealousy for Aarav? Why you wanted me to not talk about him? Why the hell you always filled with rage whenever Aarav commented on my FB/ blog or I go out with him? I want all the answers. Why you always showed that no one can love me more than you. Why you always proved yourself the best staying by my side when I wanted you to go away? Give me answers.

My life isn't a game to play with. Do you even have any clue how I am living here without you? I am not living, I am dieing here. You did it on purpose or what? I tried putting myself in your shoes and questioned myself what had I done if I were at your place. I got only one answer I had never continued it for this long. Remember when we confronted each other after all the chaos you reminded me of what happened between me and my cousin some years back. Did you forget that I closed that chapter as soon as I discovered that it could lead to some serious problem. I never lied to you. My heart was crystal clear. You made unremovable scratches all over it. What you got in return?  Are you happy now?

Over or not?

May 2nd,2014
Friday
4:02 A.M.

All night has gone in eyes. Neither I have slept nor Sweta. I am trying to introspect myself. Thinking about my friends, career, love and my relationship with you. Innumerable thoughts, countless memories and endless tears this is all left behind with me since you have gone. I am recounting my past when you're always my side, loving me, inspiring me to do best in everything I do. Today I have no dreams and hopes. I am not living, I am surviving somehow. Life is playing biased dice. When I wanted to stay alone, you entered my life and just when I wanted to be with you forever, it took you away from me. Hopes and wishes never match up to reality.

All day long I was craving to talk to you. I wanted to talk to you. For a moment I thought to call you and wish you personally but I suppressed all my thoughts as I understand this can bring problems once again and that is why I kept my cell switched off whole day. Every now and then my eyes had tears. I scold myself not to cry like this. I cringe as I realize how miserable I have become. How pitiful I sound when I say to myself,"It's all over..." It hurts. It kills. My anxiety grows manifold when my mind questions me if you too miss me the way I miss you. You have gone. My life has gone. My soul, my strength has drained away. I want you to know how much you matter to me. I know you'll never understand what I feel and what I am going through. Tears rolling down once again from my eyes. This pain is too much to endure. An instant death is always better than a painful death. I feel like dieing. I cannot withstand this pain. You gave meaning to my life. You were the most important thing in my life. My life is meaningless without you. Each and every moment I think about you takes me a step away from my own life.  As a matter of fact I know it well that nothing can bring you back. Nothing can change our fate. But my heart refuses to accept this fact. My heart will never allow me to get over you. No matter where life takes in future, you'll be the only one I love.

Fears...

May 3rd,2014
Saturday
6:28 A.M.

The very first thing Missing You. Just woke up and the first name echoing in my mind is yours. Looking at your online status on gtalk is making me more restless. I desperately want to say good morning my buddhu sweetheart but I am resisting myself as I don't want to be in any chaos once again.

Actually I'm not afraid of initiating a conversation. I'm scared about the consequences if you replied back. I will believe you again for anything you say. You are more like a weakness to me which I can't overcome. I just can't get over you.

My interview date will be announced soon. I am so much worried this time. I am not prepared for it at all. I am not studying. I don't want to screw it up but I am very nervous. I wish it gets postpone for some days until I regain my composure.

You know what I read all the mails of 2nd May,2013, yesterday and they were really filled with so much love and emotions. You must be having all those, read them once again. I can bet you'll cry the same way I was crying.

I am unable to figure out how everything turned so ugly. How smooth and frictionless our life was. How thorns are laid on our smooth lane of life? My world came smashing down in a fraction of moment. I feel worse every time I think how easily you said "Sorry" and let it all over. The words are still echoing in my head. Just one thought is running in my mind and heart, how could you do this to me? All I can think of is you. All I know is you. All that matters to me is you. I want to relive those beautiful moments one more time. The moments I have preserved in my heart like a precious treasure. My moments, our moments. All gone now to never come back. Why didn't I realize you'll bring me heartache one day? I should've known.

Happy Birthday To You...

May1st,2014
Thursday
3:27 A.M.

Happy Birthday To You. May God shower his best blessings on you.

Last year on the same date I had made a collage with personalized message to wish you and wished you at midnight itself. This year also I have wished you but I know my wish doesn't matter. I just read the mail you had sent me on your birthday as we weren't talking to each other. One of the longest mail you ever wrote to me. Your dad had operation on the same day and it went fine. Last year you wanted me to come back to you anyhow and today you haven't even replied my mail. I really don't want you to reply even. I cannot take any chance once again. Your any reply will make me more weak. I am trying hard to get over you. But the fact is it hurts.

The moment I read that mail I was teary eyed(I am still the same). How things have changed? You could not live without me even for a day and now its been 7 weeks and you haven't even tried to know if I am alive or dead. Ironical. Was all that love and care was fake? I know it wasn't. I can't ever be. I cannot accept it.

I am sure you would be enjoying this day with your family. Celebrating Akshay Tritiya alongwith your birthday. So much lucky. Didn't you think about me? I know you very well, you must be thinking about me too but now none of us has enough courage to confront each other. It isn't easy now. The circumstances in which we've drifted apart haven't left any way to return to the same path. I wish our paths never cross again in future too. Although you are all I want at this moment yet deep inside my heart I know it's not worth it now.

30-April -2014
Wednesday
5:32 A.M.

How funny is it, day to day nothing changes but when we look back everything is changed.

We never realize the changes around us until they affect our lives. My life also changed when you left. 7 weeks without you how I am alive only I know. There is not even a nanosecond when I haven't missed you thought about you. Your abrupt departure from my life has affected me so much. So many times it happens that If I am doing something like reading novels, studies or simply sitting alone and your thought strike my mind, I start feeling so restless.

7 Weeks...

29-April -2014
Tuesday
6:07 A.M.

Morning with a bad news, Jacob is no more with us:-(

Day after day a new bad news. Seems bad luck is following me everywhere. From the day I have lost my gold chain & the Ohm pendent everyday something wrong is happening with me. I told you na it was my lucky charm. In that week I lost and pendent, next week I saw Keshav's FB id, third week we drifted apart and then everything else ruined. That Ohm pendent was my saviour. Dad still doesn't know about it. On Holi he asked me about chain to which I lied that I kept it in locker and he believed me. I had no other option at that time.

7 weeks of my lifeless life are getting completed today. 7 weeks back what I was and after 7 weeks what I am today are two different persona of same girl. A girl with full of life has transformed into an alive dead. A girl who was always there to support everyone now needs to supported by others. A girl who always held others now needed to be held so tightly to let her fears and pain fade away. A girl who was reason for others to live now has no reason to live. God never does justice. I am paying for the mistake I never did.

2:14 P.M.

Can you believe it Dad has got new parrot? Yes few minutes back Dad has brought a new small parrot and a very big cage. I am really surprised. In the morning Dad saw me crying when I heard that Jacob is no more. Perhaps he understood that I am sad thats why he has got a new one. At least for now my perception about Dad had changed. He shows that he is strict and disciplined but inside his heart he is very soft.

Dilemma..

28-April -2014
Monday
20:21 P.M.

Now I am getting short of words to explain what I am feeling and how things are going on. Life is same hell for me. Without you it can never be the same. No one has the power to bring my smiles and happiness back.
Seeing your online status has become my new addiction. I keep my cellphone switch off for most of the time but the moment I switch it on the first thing is to see you're online or not. It feels good to see you there. Isn't it like a miracle, how just seeing you online can make me feel good? Gosh! You simply rule my heart and mind. In my past I never found someone who could make me  go head over heels like this.

Just a thought of you makes my heartbeats go crazy. And yes finally I didn't cry today. Talked to sweta a bit about latest songs. Well I won't credit for all this as she was the one who initiated conversation. She wanted me to download few songs for her. I am sure Mom must be happy to see me talking. From 2nd May I am thinking to join my classes again. I don't know how will I face everyone again after that incident in academy. Moreover I don't think I am ready to concentrate on studies now. I can't concentrate on anything.

One other change which has developed in me is hallucinating things. Yes its something I am afraid of. These days don't know why when I close my eyes or stay alone I hallucinate things which never happened or will never happen and some of  the things which are not even linked with me in any way. Its scary. I stay alone here in my room most of the time, don't talk to anyone, don't do anything constructive too but this the only place where I feel comfortable. Anywhere else I feel so uncomfortable.

I know I won't ever be the same cheerful and carefree girl ever again but at present I am in dilemma. It's so confusing for me to see your id logged in 24*7. Why is it so? Is it by mistake or is it intentionally?  Do you want to talk to me and waiting for me to come online?  None of the assumptions fit. If you really had to talk to me, you know all the ways to reach me. Then why your id is logged in? Is is for someone else? Is it? No no... it can't be possible. Am I doing the same mistake of trusting you  once again? I don't know what to say. If you can do this to me then..... Gosh! I am so much confused. Actually not confused... I am scared. Why am I feeling like this?

Storm of emotions...

27-April -2014
Sunday
6:25 A.M

So what do you call it when all you feel is pain, when the place you call home feels deserted, when you look back at your own past and regret for every choice you made, when those who always appreciated you look at you with sympathy, when every time you smile or laugh it takes a great toll over your heart, when you try to look normal but your gestures say another story, when all you want is to cry, when nothing in the world makes you feel happy and you want to elope? That's how I am feeling right now. I am feeling loneliness enveloping me in its grip tighter and tighter. Pain, loneliness, memories that is what left with me. I am losing somewhere in never ending darkness. Unseen, unheard, dejected, broken, ripped into pieces. Do you know how it feels? I am scared of this darkness. I don't want to get lost in this dark zone. Someone please find me. Hold my hand and help me to come out of it. It's scary.

Do you know how it feels to left behind? Do you know the pain of losing everyone around?  I know it. I am bearing it. It's so unbearable. It's killing me inside. I am paying for the mistake I never did.

Once again my hopes are getting life as I can see you online. I kept my cellphone switched off ever since I saw you online because I can't resist for a long time. My heart won't listen to me and I'll text you. But one thing has certainly changed. I am feeling a bit better now. It turns me head over heals when it comes to you. Just seeing you online can make me feel better. If you'll be with me I know my all smiles will also come back.

At least I am not crying today. As I opened my eyes the first thing I have checked is if you are online /away or not. Your id status is showing away. Maybe you're sleeping. I know its going to be my new addiction to check you are there or not.

Let go or not...

26-April-2014
Saturday
6:23 A.M.

I still have feelings for you and no matter how many times I tell myself I am better off you, a part of me will always love you and won't let it go...

Falling in love is the most dangerous phase of life. Either it takes you to the extreme heights or spoil you perception of life forever. Latter part is true for me. It spoiled my life. As the days are passing I am losing myself more and more. Days are no better without you and nights are sleep deprived.

I cannot concentrate on studies. I don't feel like talking to anyone or going anywhere else. Even today when I open my eyes in the morning you are the one I want to wish or receive your wish.

I am not writing all this because I have any intention to show that how much you mean to me. It's just a medium for me to express my feelings as it is so impossible for me to say or share this with anyone. I know no one will understand this.

I still remember those mornings when we used to wake up early  so that we can spend more and more time together. The fun, love and romance we used to had. Everyday I say to myself there is no point in missing those moments. They won't come back. I have to learn to live without you. See just  a thought of living without you made me cry. These tears are traitors. Never listen to me. No matter how many times I tell myself I have to move on, I have to step ahead, a part of me will never allow me to move on. Not just you have gone from my life, my life has gone away from me. I hate myself for loving you like crazy. When you are happy without me, why can't I? Why can't I live a normal life with full of smiles? But I know life will never be same. I won't ever be same. This tragedy has changed me.

11:20 A.M.

After a very long time just 10 minutes back(11:20am), I logged into my gtalk id and to my surprise you are online. (Rather its a shock). I am dying to text you but I won't. I know either you will sign out or won't reply. It will hurt me even more. I can't take this risk at this time. Seeing you online all day long or whenever you login is enough for me. That means you are fine and the id is activated that clearly shows you still care cuz I know this id exists only for me. I know you must be reading our old chats and some of the mails which I have sent you after drifting apart. I am sorry for that Holi mail but at that time I was so broken. I wasn't in my senses when I typed that mail. But every word of that mail is true. Perhaps you too will be thinking the same as I am thinking whether to text you or not. You know I am very bad at taking initiatives. I have no courage to text you and the fear of never seeing you online is even more. I won't text you no matter how much my heart yell to do so. Seeing you online is giving me satisfaction that the love we had/have  isn't fake. If it wasn't you never had logged into this id ever. I know you very well. In these two years if you can read what's in my mind, I can also tell that you can't get over me. It's impossible for you.

Change isn't permanent...

25-April-2014
Friday
20:36 P.M.

I wonder what you think when you hear my name...

Today it's 46th day. Yes I am counting every single day since we aren't together. I wonder what comes to your mind when someone says KANYA. Do you think about me? For me even today when someone takes your name my heart skip it's beats. I feel very strange as if someone stirred all my emotions at once. Even today your name has the same intensity to turn my world upside down.

We want so many things in life. We dream to achieve success but once we find the love in our lives nothing else matters. We don't care about the whole world. We don't think about destination, the journey itself becomes destination. Holding hands and making sure that this journey is worth walking for becomes the main aim.

Before you came into my life I was already in a miserable state because of my past and then you came like a fresh breeze bringing happiness to my life. I always kept myself in a shell where no one enter and hurt me but I allowed you to enter only because I felt a different connection with you. There was some invisible force which brought me closer to you. Slowly and steadily our bond strengthened. A bond which I believed no power can break. You gave wings to my dreams. You brought the smiles back to my life. I trusted you more than anything in the world. You're all I ever wanted. I didn't know life has something else in store for me. Something unexpected and shocking. The way things changed is unbelievable. I am still living in the same world but without you this world means nothing to me. My heart craves for you. I want you to make me smile like always. I am missing the love we had. I wish there was any way to turn back time and bring us together once again.

Change is permanent. Its not true. If it is why are you not here with me? You changed my life and gone. All the broken promises make me think why did I let you come close to me?

Strange life...

24-April-2014
Thursday
5:57 A.M.*

Isn't it strange when you were with me the thought of being apart never crossed my mind and now when you aren't here my heart refuses to believe it?Things are changing certainly. I am trying to look normal. However I haven't started talking to anyone yet but I have started working on a new story "For the rest of my life..." I want to show you the manuscript and know your review like always but those days are gone now when you used to be the first one to read my stories and poetries. Your review always mattered for me the most. Well you never criticized my work but your words always encouraged me to write better. It's just a way to keep myself busy. I don't know if this story will be complete or not because you're not here to ask me "kanyu story complete huyi ki nhi? Kab complete hogi?"

Now I realize how much you were involved in my life. Dawn to dusk only you are in my mind thinking had you been there what would you have said on this or that. This writing thing is a good way to keep me busy but you know its momentarily as I know I can never complete the story without you. I need you and your support. The dialogues of all the stories were inspired by you(all our sweet conversations).

When I used to see people facing heartbreak and crying I always thought its madness and see today I am in same situation. Now I know what it actually feels like.

Sometimes I feel like snatching you from this world and keep you with me only. You are only mine. You promised that you belong to me only. No one has right over you. You are mine forever but then I remind myself the words of your Dad. I remind myself what Avantika di told me. I remind myself the time when we confronted each other. Its all so clumsy. I don't know whom to trust. Should I trust what Avantika di said or should I trust the promises you made? My heart tells me to trust you but my mind says Di won't lie.

Two years passed in a jiffy and now every second seems like ages. Everyday I count the days, hours, minutes and seconds since we are not together. Stupidity. I know. But I can't help it. I cannot forget you. You were and you are all I want. My love is still the same. I haven't forgot any of my promises.

3:00 P.M.

Feeling very uneasy. Don't know why. I wish you're here to make me feel better like always. My heart is beating so fast. I can feel the fast rythm of my heartbeats. There is something wrong but I don't know what. Since morning I was okay and now all of a sudden this restlessness. Maybe I am missing you so much or is there something really wrong? Do you also feel the way I am feeling right now? Perhaps no. You'll be so much busy in the preparations of your sister's wedding. Definitely you won't be having time to think about me. Or maybe you don't want to show that you too miss the lovely moments we shared together. I know you're too strong to handle all this but unfortunately I am not and no one knows it better than you. I am once again in tears. Hell..why am I thinking about you all the time? Why don't your memories leave me alone? Only thing I want at this moment is to hug someone and cry. God!!! These emotions are so out of control. Tears have finally found their way and escaped from my eyes. I wish there was some way to dry up my eyes and never let any tear to flow. These tears clearly show how much I miss you. I really miss you so much. Come back na...

Echos...

23-April-2014
Wednesday
6:06 A.M.

"Voices of past echo in present."

Last night was completely sleepless. I was constantly struggling between waking up and sleeping back, checking the time after every 10-15 minutes and waiting for dawn. Finally I can see sun rising in the horizon. Feeling little restless. A strange sensation in my hands. I wish I could give voice to my feelings. I could say something about what I am feeling. Sitting by study table, pressing the keys of my lappy, don't even know what I want to say or write.

Feelings are the most complicated things to understand. I am unable to understand what I am feeling and what I want. Do I want to move on or want you back? Do I miss you more or myself? Do I want to get over you or want you to be part of my life? It's all so confusing. I don't know what I want.

It's been 6 weeks now and even today I am thinking about you, missing you like crazy. I was completely unaware of this face of myself.  A girl like me, who give a damn to the world and chose you among millions, ignoring what others say, can cry like this. Unbelievable. You were the whole universe to me. (you still are.)

One part of me says I did wrong when I chose you but the other part of me says how could I be wrong when you're all I wanted. Was it my mistake that I trusted you so much? Yes, indeed it was. But the reason was you. You always assured me that you would never back out if any hurdle came along our way. The words you said in our past are echoing in my present. Haunting me. Scaring me. Making me miss you even more. Neither I can sleep nor I can stay awake in peace. My mind keeps on wandering into the memory lanes of past.

20:43 P.M.

Talked to Shashank for a long time today on call after so many days. He is really worried as it's shocking for him to see me in such depressed condition sounding so low. He told me not to bother about whatever happened rather I should focus on my career and my career. I listened to him patiently. No other option I had. I had nothing to say. He thinks I should go out and hang out with friends to keep myself diverted from your thoughts. The thing he doesn't understand is that these little things can keep me busy only for some time later its only you all I will think about.  Talking to him gives me a sense of not being alone but see what I am doing. After talking to him I am writing all this here. Stupidity.. isn't it? I know. But I can't help it. I need a way to pour my heart. Talking to anyone isn't possible as my voice doesn't support me. All I can do is to write.

6 weeks...

22-April -2014
Tuesday
12:53 P.M.

"Those who love you most have the power to hurt you most."

Today 6 weeks have gone since we aren't together. As I close my eyes every moment reappear in my mind how my beautiful dream turned into a nightmare. The night when I had sleeping pills, your calls, getting hospitalised, Iti's plan to expose, her talking to your family, those calls from your family, everyone getting involved to the world where only we two existed, confusions, blames, tensions in all the families and at last the truth which shocked everyone and killed me. Though I swear I don't believe any single word I was told. I cannot believe anyone. I don't know what's in your mind and why did you play this game but one thing is for sure that the love and care wasn't fake. I know you could never hurt me. There is some unknown story behind all this. Maybe the pictures were fake but feelings were not. Even if God comes down in front of me and say that it was all fake I won't believe him because I know it wasn't.

You said you know me well. More than I know myself. Yes its true indeed but that doesn't mean I don't know you. I know you too. You used to say I am your jaan and you cannot live without me. I just want to know how are you living now? Doesn't it hurt you? Don't you wake up in late nights just like me? Don't you miss that 24*7 texting?  Don't you remember the moments we used to spend together?  Don't you miss those sweet fights? Don't you miss the extreme break ups and then again getting back to each other telling how we couldn't live without each other? Don't you miss everything about us? We are meant to be together. Nothing in this world can change my love for you. No one can take your place in my life.

I'll be there...

21-April -2014
Monday
8:06 A.M.*

Waiting is like holding cactus in your knowing that its going to hurt you.

"Kanyu I promise I'll never leave you alone." These are your words. The promise you really kept well for two years. What happened now? Why did you break your promise?  Damn how you are  living without me? I can't even breath properly. It seems I am punishing myself every moment I am spending without you. I am pooling every effort to keep myself happy and busy but I can still feel the emptiness. The void which only you can fill with your presence.

I die daily in the hope that you'll come back. You'll come and say "kanyu I missed you like anything. " You never disappointed me. You wanted to see me happy forever. Don't you know you're my reason to be happy?  How can I be happy without you? I try not to think about you when you don't care about me but its not in my hands. The memories stir my soul to its core. I feel suffocating and I can't stop crying. The poetries  and stories also don't excite me now. I start writing but can't go beyond few lines. You're all I need. Music, books, rain, friends, family nothing makes me feel better. I don't remember when was the last time I smiled. Its only you who can bring my smile back. What wrong I did to you? Why are you punishing me for no reason?  Why do you want me to die like this? If you really want me to die just kill me once and for always but please don't punish me like this.

Make it all go away...

20Th-April -2014
Sunday
6:02 A.M.

One more morning with bad news. I slept around 3 a.m. in the morning and by 5:15 am my sleep was broken with mom's voice when she called dad shouting that there is blood in Jacob's cage. My heart sank completely. We all got up and went outside. It's wings were stuck in cage and blood was oozing from its tender skin. I was frozen at the sight. Jacob is just one month old and its body is yet not developed well. Dad somehow managed to take it out and cleaned its skin with water. Good thing is it's alive. I am really sad to see its condition.  The blood is making me paranoid.

Don't know what's wrong is going at my home. One after another mishappening. Having such a bad time. It seems there is no end of all this. Every next day something bad happens to make me realize I can never be happy again in my life.

I cannot sleep back after this sight. As I try to close my eyes, blood appears in front of me. Its terrible. I cannot face it.

I am tired of all this now. I cannot take it more. Everyday crying, thinking about the past, getting sad and depressed, losing myself more and more... I am done with all this. Now I want all this to get over.

14:09 P.M.

Now once again mom and her questions. I don't know why she doesn't  leave me alone. I can't even cry here peacefully. Don't I have right to live the way I want? Why everyone is forcing me to move on? When they don't know why I have become like this, why they want to do something thats not possible. They want me to speak up and I don't know how to explain that no matter how hard I try I cannot speak. The words just don't come out from my lips. I am feeling a strange churning inside me. My heart is beating rapidly. My hands are cold and eyes brimmed with tears. I wish there was any way to explain that I am not doing it willingly. I want to speak up and pour my heart into audible words. I want to come out from this trap of memories. I really want to start my life again. I do efforts too and Sometimes they are successful too but only for few moments. After a while I get trapped again. Crying and crying all day is not supposed to help me I know that. I even scold myself for reacting like this but in the end  its only me who give up as nothing helps.

People often say live moves on. It never stops for anyone. How to believe in these words? My life has stopped. A month.. more than a month.. your memories, my tears everything is same. You were the one who made me believe in love. Now come back and tell me how to forget you. Come back and make this pain go away.

Passing Days...

19-April -2014
Saturday
6:59 A.M.

Don't know from where to start. It's all same as it was. Things are not turning to be any better. My condition is getting worse with time. It takes a million efforts to make myself understand that nothing is going to be same. Everytime you cross my mind, I start repeating in my mind no i won't think about you. It's so difficult to push back your thoughts. No matter how hard I try they resonate in my mind.

I know I am a fool doing all this but I don't know how to explain that I am not responsible for all this. It's happening on it's own.

Yesterday after so many days I went to Mom's room. I think after 13-14 days. She wasn't there. Sounds strange na? But it's true. I don't go out of this room. I stay here just like a cocoon in its shell. It's been a long time when I had a talk with mom. I know she is really worried about my silence but now I don't like talking  to anyone. I don't have any answer to her questions and not even to my own questions.

I feel alone. I want someone beside me. I want to be like before. I want to be the same chirpy bird soaring high in the sky. But whenever anyone comes to talk to me I feel my voice is choked. Now I feel like a flightless bird who lost its wings.

The picturesque perfect life is broken into pieces. The fairy tale has met an abrupt end.

I feel as if even the nature is conspiring against me. This weather, rain, cold breeze, fluffy clouds, swaying leaves everything is so enchanting but not to me. I don't feel any excitement. It just crushes me more.

Not easy to let go...

17-April -2014
Thursday
5:12 A.M.

It's not easy to let go...

These sleep deprived nights and restless days. I never imagined life will take me here one day. I have seen several ups and downs in my life. The best of times when I felt I am flying above the sky and the worst of times when I lost all hopes. In all those times I was never so much carried away as I am today. Am I the same girl who was once a source of inspiration to others? Now I feel I never knew myself. Its beyond all my perceptions I assumed for myself. I have always known I am emotional and senti but to this extreme I never realized.

Sun is scattering its rays in the horizon vanishing all the darkness. I wish it could brighten my life too. They say every dark night has a bright morning. I am waiting for that morning. A morning which brings back you and my smiles too. Why have you gone away? Didn't you know I won't be able to accept it? This is getting a way too far I ever thought. Was I so much addicted to you? You're like a slow poison to me. I know its going to kill me in the end still I can't give up because it's my addiction.

People say life doesn't end with the departure of anyone. I hope they never met someone like me. My life has been ceased. It's not moving. Everyday the same moments, everyday the same pain. Increasing. At times I break down completely and want to cry until I die of exhaustion. How kiddish does it sound! No one can expect this from a girl like me. I always marvelled at the tragic and emotional moments of movies and novels thinking do they happen for real? Now I know yes they are so real. It happens. Love stabs the pure soul so brutally and the worst part is still it doesn't complain. Even today if someone says anything against you I can't listen. It fills me with anger. When Shashank and Shipra started talking against you I lost all my temper. I can't bear anything against you. Sounds stupid. I know. But my love was never so weak that it'll over in just few moments or days. The fact is it won't be over ever. I don't know why I still cannot believe on anything I know. I definitely have no proof of what's true and what's not but all I know is someone who gave me all the happiness of world cannot do this to me. There is something wrong. Something I don't know. Something I wasn't told. Something I might never get a chance to know.

22:03 P.M.

Full moon.. its looking so beautiful among uncountable stars in the sky.  I am standing at balcony gazing at the shining moon and twinkling stars. Missing you. Missing the time when we used to tell each other to watch the moon and comparing whose moon is more beautiful. Of course mine. It always was. The chilled breeze, velvety sky studded with moon and stars, prevailing silence and alone me missing you extremely. I wish you were here. I want to smile like before. That never ending smile. I don't miss only you, I miss myself too. This cold breeze and such a lovely view I always loved it and today I am feeling no emotion about it. It cannot bring my smile back.:'(

It hurts...

18-April -2014
Friday
8:46 A.M.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever...

These poetic words sound so romantic. Gives you a peculiar feeling of joy and unsaid happiness. I too used to feel the same feeling until few days back but not now. This exotic weather, cloudy sky, cold breeze, swaying leaves on trees, chirping birds, my dripping wet hair and song "Aa tujhe in baaho mein bharke aur bhi kar lu mai kareeb... tu humsafar, tu hamkadam, tu hamnava mera". To anyone it may give the most divine feeling of universe. The feeling of being in LOVE. But not to me.

I am sitting here alone near window watching this ethereal beauty of nature. Water drops dripping from my hairs and tears streaming  from my  eyes. Fighting back with myself, trying to be calm and composed. Why everything changed? Those moments were so amazing that I cannot forget them. Now I am here to miss every moment and cry. The changing tracks "koi nahi tere siwa mera yaha... pehle kabhi na tune mujhe gum diya, phir mujhe kyu tanha kar diya" are making me cry even more. That's why I avoid music now. My all love for music is over now.

I can see the first rain drops touching the ground and getting absorbed, losing its own existence. The smell of wet soil is making me feel nostalgic. I have lost my existence too. I am lost in some other world. A world from where I will never come back. I will never find myself back. I will never be the same. Love has changed me. Rather love has killed the real me.

Missing you like anything. I want you to say "chalo bahar". I want you to smirk when I say no. I want you to say "kanyu hairs dry karo." I want you to share every moment of mine with you. Come back na. I cannot live like this. I need you. I need you more than anything else in this world. It's not just you have gone from my life. My life itself has gone.

Today 2 States is releasing. From the very day I knew about this movie I wanted to watch it first day first show and today when the day has come I don't want to go anywhere. Nothing excites me now. Not even the best of things which I used to love from the core of my heart. Seems everything has lost its charm or maybe I have lost my interest.

My mood changes in seconds. At one moment I get angry for not getting over you and at the other moment I start crying because I start missing you badly. I feel so miserable. It hurts me. I am finding no way to tackle things. This seems so unreal how can a girl like me behave in such a kiddish way. How can I cry every single day for someone who I don't know ever existed or not? I am confused. I am in pain. I am hurt. All at the same moment. These creepy feelings don't let me stay in peace.