Echos...

23-April-2014
Wednesday
6:06 A.M.

"Voices of past echo in present."

Last night was completely sleepless. I was constantly struggling between waking up and sleeping back, checking the time after every 10-15 minutes and waiting for dawn. Finally I can see sun rising in the horizon. Feeling little restless. A strange sensation in my hands. I wish I could give voice to my feelings. I could say something about what I am feeling. Sitting by study table, pressing the keys of my lappy, don't even know what I want to say or write.

Feelings are the most complicated things to understand. I am unable to understand what I am feeling and what I want. Do I want to move on or want you back? Do I miss you more or myself? Do I want to get over you or want you to be part of my life? It's all so confusing. I don't know what I want.

It's been 6 weeks now and even today I am thinking about you, missing you like crazy. I was completely unaware of this face of myself.  A girl like me, who give a damn to the world and chose you among millions, ignoring what others say, can cry like this. Unbelievable. You were the whole universe to me. (you still are.)

One part of me says I did wrong when I chose you but the other part of me says how could I be wrong when you're all I wanted. Was it my mistake that I trusted you so much? Yes, indeed it was. But the reason was you. You always assured me that you would never back out if any hurdle came along our way. The words you said in our past are echoing in my present. Haunting me. Scaring me. Making me miss you even more. Neither I can sleep nor I can stay awake in peace. My mind keeps on wandering into the memory lanes of past.

20:43 P.M.

Talked to Shashank for a long time today on call after so many days. He is really worried as it's shocking for him to see me in such depressed condition sounding so low. He told me not to bother about whatever happened rather I should focus on my career and my career. I listened to him patiently. No other option I had. I had nothing to say. He thinks I should go out and hang out with friends to keep myself diverted from your thoughts. The thing he doesn't understand is that these little things can keep me busy only for some time later its only you all I will think about.  Talking to him gives me a sense of not being alone but see what I am doing. After talking to him I am writing all this here. Stupidity.. isn't it? I know. But I can't help it. I need a way to pour my heart. Talking to anyone isn't possible as my voice doesn't support me. All I can do is to write.