Battling myself...

7-April-2014
Monday
9:43 A.M.

Your worst battle is between what you know and how you feel.

How true the statement is. I am exactly battling between the truth I know and how I am feeling. The truth is something I cannot accept and the feeling is something I cannot let go. The mind always agrees to what heart craves for. The love I once found in you is what my heart craves for and mind is easily convinced with it. I want to shut all doors of my heart to your memories,  want your thoughts not to cloud my mind, want to get rid of this addiction but it all seems so impossible.

26Th day it is since we last exchanged any word. The last words. I wish I had never known the truth. This isn't  a bitter truth, it is deadly. It has killed my soul. I am lifeless now. I always believed our love is the  strongest bond I could think of. You too put every effort to save it in all wrong times we had gone through.

Today its Durga puja at home and I remember how you used to make me smile like stupids in puja telling me to make weird expressions during puja. I remember how I used to hide cell in my lap while sitting in puja and talking to you. Hiding my smile. How good those days were. I wish I could let them come back once again. I want to smile like before once again. I want to be as alive as I was once again. I want to feel the love we had once again. Even though it was an illusion, I lived it in reality.

I know it cannot be possible even in my weirdest dream. The moments I cherished with you will never come back. You'll never come back. Your love will never come back. The memories of those cherished now make me cry. On this auspicious eve too I am sad with teary eyes. I understand these tears won't bring you back this time. Now you don't care(or maybe you do but not showing ). It's too hard to resist my urge to get you back.

I always thought I will be the first one to walk out of this relationship if anything happened as I always used to do. I cannot believe I am crying over you like a moron for no valid reason. I don't know if you still miss me or think about me but let me tell you there isn't a single moment when you are not in my mind. When I wake up late in the night I get a strong feeling you too will be awake like me. Your small little gestures to keep me happy and smiling make me miss you more..even more.

I seriously want you BACK in my life. I don't want to live like an alive corpse.:'(