Surely Unsure...

10-April-2014
Thursday
22:10 P.M.

Be sure twice before you take a decision for lifetime. Time once gone never comes back.

It's not as easy as they say. Some decisions are so random but they possess the power to change our lives. One such random decision of my life was choosing you. Although I took my own time without letting anyone know yet the moment I accepted it was so random. I actually didn't know I would say yes like this and my yes will change my life so drastically. I so hate myself for saying it.

I am sure you'll never understand the depth of my pain. I maybe was a game for you. You really played it well and won too. This is something I had never ever expected from you. Had I known this truth will hurt me like this, I would never have shared it with Iti. This is so painful for me to endure it.

I can't believe myself what I have become. Today just a gtalk message tone made me shudder with fear. I was shaken by just a notification tone. Not because I was so engrossed in reading a novel, its because that notification tone reminded me of you. How we used to join all the apps only  to stay together each and every moment. How we used to chat on different apps talking on different topics simultaneously. On one romancing and on other casually talking. How things have changed? Now I don't have any reason to use any of the app.

Even today if anything funny or important happens here I want you to be the first one to know. I still think I'll tell you this, I'll tell you that and then scold myself for doing all this. I try to bury your memories at the back of my mind but they push and come back.

I sit with everyone but still miles away from them. It takes time to understand what someone is actually saying to me because my mind is always wandering in some other world 

Its difficult for me to understand myself even. At one moment I want to forget you, bury your memories and get over you but at the other moment I want you back, Cherish the memories and spend every possible moment of my life with you. I am so unsure and undecided. I don't know what I actually want. Do I want to forget you? Do I want you back even after knowing the truth? Do I want to forget the past? Do I still want to be with you? So many questions and I am puzzled.

Uprooting yourself is so damn impossible. You know its going to kill you but still you have to do it.