Toughest morning...

14-April-2014
Monday
7:14 A.M.

In last 33 days it was the scariest night and today its toughest morning for me. All night passed in tears. Don't remember when I slept and when I woke up. Now again the same condition. Have tears in my eyes . Don't know what's wrong with me and why I want to cry so much. Rather I should say I don't want to cry but I can't stop myself from crying.

Whole night I was thinking of the ways to die without troubling anyone. Many times I thought to hang myself or swallow all the available medicines in my room. Only I know how I stopped myself from taking any of those steps. I don't know for how long I will be able to stop myself. I am scared now.

I am feeling so restless as if something wrong is going to happen  God knows what more wrong is left to happen .

23:25 P.M.

Everything is getting wrong. Never had such a bad time ever in my life. Since morning I was not feeling good and at last things turned to their worst. I was almost fainted in class today. My hands went numb and body was ice cold. My friends, teachers and all the staff was shocked. They informed dad and dad had to come to take me back home. For a moment I thought I was passed away but unfortunately I didn't. I regained consciousness soon. Mom, dad and sweta all are so much worried now. Doctor said it was only due to low BP and weakness but I know its not the reason. I know what dad must be going through. He might not express but he is concerned. He understands something is troubling her daughter but he doesn't know how to ask as we never communicated much. I was sleeping since I came back to home and now when I am awake I can feel silence everywhere around me.

Sweta is sleeping beside me. She is also not well today and see how helpless I am, I cannot even look after her. Everyday she looks after me like a mother, takes care of me like an elder sister, tries to make me smile like a best friend and now when I should take care of her I am unable to do anything for her. She is the best sister anyone can have and I am the worst. I am feeling so miserable. Don't know if she has taken her dinner or not. She never eats without feeding me. She is the only reason I am still alive and breathing.

I am not getting where my life is taking me. I was never like this. I don't understand what has changed me so much. Is that the love we had or the broken trust? I feel the nerves in my head shaking. It's so much hurting me. What should I do to move out of this trauma? There is no way out. Seems all doors to happiness have closed and I am locked inside a deep dark chamber of pain to die. All I can see is darkness around me. No ray of right. Its better to die than to stay lifeless like this.:(