Let go or not...

26-April-2014
Saturday
6:23 A.M.

I still have feelings for you and no matter how many times I tell myself I am better off you, a part of me will always love you and won't let it go...

Falling in love is the most dangerous phase of life. Either it takes you to the extreme heights or spoil you perception of life forever. Latter part is true for me. It spoiled my life. As the days are passing I am losing myself more and more. Days are no better without you and nights are sleep deprived.

I cannot concentrate on studies. I don't feel like talking to anyone or going anywhere else. Even today when I open my eyes in the morning you are the one I want to wish or receive your wish.

I am not writing all this because I have any intention to show that how much you mean to me. It's just a medium for me to express my feelings as it is so impossible for me to say or share this with anyone. I know no one will understand this.

I still remember those mornings when we used to wake up early  so that we can spend more and more time together. The fun, love and romance we used to had. Everyday I say to myself there is no point in missing those moments. They won't come back. I have to learn to live without you. See just  a thought of living without you made me cry. These tears are traitors. Never listen to me. No matter how many times I tell myself I have to move on, I have to step ahead, a part of me will never allow me to move on. Not just you have gone from my life, my life has gone away from me. I hate myself for loving you like crazy. When you are happy without me, why can't I? Why can't I live a normal life with full of smiles? But I know life will never be same. I won't ever be same. This tragedy has changed me.

11:20 A.M.

After a very long time just 10 minutes back(11:20am), I logged into my gtalk id and to my surprise you are online. (Rather its a shock). I am dying to text you but I won't. I know either you will sign out or won't reply. It will hurt me even more. I can't take this risk at this time. Seeing you online all day long or whenever you login is enough for me. That means you are fine and the id is activated that clearly shows you still care cuz I know this id exists only for me. I know you must be reading our old chats and some of the mails which I have sent you after drifting apart. I am sorry for that Holi mail but at that time I was so broken. I wasn't in my senses when I typed that mail. But every word of that mail is true. Perhaps you too will be thinking the same as I am thinking whether to text you or not. You know I am very bad at taking initiatives. I have no courage to text you and the fear of never seeing you online is even more. I won't text you no matter how much my heart yell to do so. Seeing you online is giving me satisfaction that the love we had/have  isn't fake. If it wasn't you never had logged into this id ever. I know you very well. In these two years if you can read what's in my mind, I can also tell that you can't get over me. It's impossible for you.