Scary past...

05-April -2014
Saturday
6:39 A.M.

Nothing is more scary than dreadful  haunting memories of your own past.

Damn its now getting too difficult for me to survive. These tears.. pouring through my eyes like an overflown river. I am just not getting what to do. How to leave my bed, walk out  and face everyone with these wet eyes? How to explain everyone I have  still not recovered from the shock? Two years of my life I have spent with you. Smiling, cherishing, teasing, fighting, nudging and above all loving unconditionally. Undying pain, uncontrollable tears and unforgettable memories are all I have got in return. I seriously want to come out of this reverie but nothing seems to work. I try hard not to think about my past and move ahead. I try to keep myself busy as much as possible. I do everything, what I can do, to let go my past but it's haunting me like anything.

There isn't even a moment go by when you're not in my mind. Music was something I always loved but I cannot hear any song now... it feels so irritating. I always loved reading & writing but I can't do that even. You know why? Because in almost every diary, notebook or book I used to write about us and now when I turn pages and find those notes I feel a strange churning inside me. I cannot read them now. It makes me cry. I feel deserted without you.

There is nothing which can divert my mind. I just do things because I have no other choice. I don't want to trouble anyone just because I am not in peace with myself. Everyone looks me with suspicion because I stay silent. I either give monosyallable replies or just reply with expressions. My voice has lost somewhere. All I want to do is to cry and cry until I am over with this pain.

Sometimes it becomes so difficult for me to hide my feelings and I look for a way to hide myself and cry like I am doing now. I don't know why it is affecting me so much. Deep inside my soul I know this  wasn't an everlasting relationship but for now this was all I had. I don't remember a day when I didn't pray to God for us. My all prayers went unanswered. I have lost faith in God. How could he this to me? How could he snatch the one and only happiness of my life and leave me crying? Where was I at fault? Every prayer I did had your name. I never asked for anything else. Then why?..why all this has to happen with me? I may not be the biggest devotee but my prayers were never manipulated.

I don't know what's going on in your life. Maybe you'll be happy. Maybe you'll be angry on Iti and others who were responsible for all this. Maybe you'll be angry on me too but the fact is I was unaware of all that plotting. Had I known about all this, I would have never let it happen. I really wish I had never known the truth. This was the only reason of my smiles and happiness. Just one truth has taken away all my smiles just like the flood takes away everything that comes in its coarse.