Staircase...

16-April-2014
Wednesday
6:14 A.M.

"Loneliness can be the best companion and the biggest enemy too."

I am tired of waking up with tears every morning. Sometimes I don't want to wake up at all. A deep eternal sleep is all I need at this moment. Opening eyes, finding the same gloomy atmosphere around makes me feel sick. I don't feel to open my eyes and face anyone. Nobody is talking here to anyone else. An eerie silence everywhere.

Dad won't say anything I know that. He never says until he is unable to hold his heart. Mom, I know, is sad and angry as well but she won't say anything because she knows I won't speak. Sweta isn't well and so am I. Is this the same home I used to live in? Full of smiles, loud music, shouts,  happiness all around... everything is lost. I know I am responsible for all this. Had I been fine, this would never had happened.

10:07 P.M.

One thing I have understood for sure that life will never be same for me. It's showing me the true colours of itself. Today evening at last Mom's frustation burst into words because neither I speak nor I eat and now continuously skipping classes. She didn't say directly anything to me but she was furious. I know its all because she wants me to react on anything. She came to me and questioned me about further studies and all. Sweta was also there. She also tried to know whats in my mind. I wanted to tell them that I just want to die, kill me. I simply spoke I am fine. She knew I ain't. There was a series of questions and I had no answers. Once again tears started rolling down from my eyes. This was enough for her. She wanted to talk to you and your family. Sweta gave her my cellphone to get the numbers. I was unable to say anything much so I simply took away my cellphone and went out of my room. Actually I was planning to leave the home at that very moment. I don't want to live here. Everyday the same questions.. I cannot tolerate it. I got up from my bed crying and barefooted I walked downstairs. Don't know how she felt that maybe I will go out and won't come back. Mom came after me but till then I was reached the main door. She quickly clutched my hand and stopped me from going anywhere. She tried to console me telling that I have to come out of this and start my life afresh. I kept on crying without speaking a word. After so much efforts of her I stopped crying. Since then there is a complete silence at home.

I have no idea if I had left home where had I gone or what had I done. But I really don't want to see my family worried all the time. This was the biggest step I ever have taken. Definitely Mom and Sweta both are shocked. I know they won't ask me anything now. I am completely fed up of my life and all these sufferings. I want all this to get over as soon as possible .