Dilemma..

28-April -2014
Monday
20:21 P.M.

Now I am getting short of words to explain what I am feeling and how things are going on. Life is same hell for me. Without you it can never be the same. No one has the power to bring my smiles and happiness back.
Seeing your online status has become my new addiction. I keep my cellphone switch off for most of the time but the moment I switch it on the first thing is to see you're online or not. It feels good to see you there. Isn't it like a miracle, how just seeing you online can make me feel good? Gosh! You simply rule my heart and mind. In my past I never found someone who could make me  go head over heels like this.

Just a thought of you makes my heartbeats go crazy. And yes finally I didn't cry today. Talked to sweta a bit about latest songs. Well I won't credit for all this as she was the one who initiated conversation. She wanted me to download few songs for her. I am sure Mom must be happy to see me talking. From 2nd May I am thinking to join my classes again. I don't know how will I face everyone again after that incident in academy. Moreover I don't think I am ready to concentrate on studies now. I can't concentrate on anything.

One other change which has developed in me is hallucinating things. Yes its something I am afraid of. These days don't know why when I close my eyes or stay alone I hallucinate things which never happened or will never happen and some of  the things which are not even linked with me in any way. Its scary. I stay alone here in my room most of the time, don't talk to anyone, don't do anything constructive too but this the only place where I feel comfortable. Anywhere else I feel so uncomfortable.

I know I won't ever be the same cheerful and carefree girl ever again but at present I am in dilemma. It's so confusing for me to see your id logged in 24*7. Why is it so? Is it by mistake or is it intentionally?  Do you want to talk to me and waiting for me to come online?  None of the assumptions fit. If you really had to talk to me, you know all the ways to reach me. Then why your id is logged in? Is is for someone else? Is it? No no... it can't be possible. Am I doing the same mistake of trusting you  once again? I don't know what to say. If you can do this to me then..... Gosh! I am so much confused. Actually not confused... I am scared. Why am I feeling like this?