30-April -2014
Wednesday
5:32 A.M.

How funny is it, day to day nothing changes but when we look back everything is changed.

We never realize the changes around us until they affect our lives. My life also changed when you left. 7 weeks without you how I am alive only I know. There is not even a nanosecond when I haven't missed you thought about you. Your abrupt departure from my life has affected me so much. So many times it happens that If I am doing something like reading novels, studies or simply sitting alone and your thought strike my mind, I start feeling so restless.

7 Weeks...

29-April -2014
Tuesday
6:07 A.M.

Morning with a bad news, Jacob is no more with us:-(

Day after day a new bad news. Seems bad luck is following me everywhere. From the day I have lost my gold chain & the Ohm pendent everyday something wrong is happening with me. I told you na it was my lucky charm. In that week I lost and pendent, next week I saw Keshav's FB id, third week we drifted apart and then everything else ruined. That Ohm pendent was my saviour. Dad still doesn't know about it. On Holi he asked me about chain to which I lied that I kept it in locker and he believed me. I had no other option at that time.

7 weeks of my lifeless life are getting completed today. 7 weeks back what I was and after 7 weeks what I am today are two different persona of same girl. A girl with full of life has transformed into an alive dead. A girl who was always there to support everyone now needs to supported by others. A girl who always held others now needed to be held so tightly to let her fears and pain fade away. A girl who was reason for others to live now has no reason to live. God never does justice. I am paying for the mistake I never did.

2:14 P.M.

Can you believe it Dad has got new parrot? Yes few minutes back Dad has brought a new small parrot and a very big cage. I am really surprised. In the morning Dad saw me crying when I heard that Jacob is no more. Perhaps he understood that I am sad thats why he has got a new one. At least for now my perception about Dad had changed. He shows that he is strict and disciplined but inside his heart he is very soft.

Dilemma..

28-April -2014
Monday
20:21 P.M.

Now I am getting short of words to explain what I am feeling and how things are going on. Life is same hell for me. Without you it can never be the same. No one has the power to bring my smiles and happiness back.
Seeing your online status has become my new addiction. I keep my cellphone switch off for most of the time but the moment I switch it on the first thing is to see you're online or not. It feels good to see you there. Isn't it like a miracle, how just seeing you online can make me feel good? Gosh! You simply rule my heart and mind. In my past I never found someone who could make me  go head over heels like this.

Just a thought of you makes my heartbeats go crazy. And yes finally I didn't cry today. Talked to sweta a bit about latest songs. Well I won't credit for all this as she was the one who initiated conversation. She wanted me to download few songs for her. I am sure Mom must be happy to see me talking. From 2nd May I am thinking to join my classes again. I don't know how will I face everyone again after that incident in academy. Moreover I don't think I am ready to concentrate on studies now. I can't concentrate on anything.

One other change which has developed in me is hallucinating things. Yes its something I am afraid of. These days don't know why when I close my eyes or stay alone I hallucinate things which never happened or will never happen and some of  the things which are not even linked with me in any way. Its scary. I stay alone here in my room most of the time, don't talk to anyone, don't do anything constructive too but this the only place where I feel comfortable. Anywhere else I feel so uncomfortable.

I know I won't ever be the same cheerful and carefree girl ever again but at present I am in dilemma. It's so confusing for me to see your id logged in 24*7. Why is it so? Is it by mistake or is it intentionally?  Do you want to talk to me and waiting for me to come online?  None of the assumptions fit. If you really had to talk to me, you know all the ways to reach me. Then why your id is logged in? Is is for someone else? Is it? No no... it can't be possible. Am I doing the same mistake of trusting you  once again? I don't know what to say. If you can do this to me then..... Gosh! I am so much confused. Actually not confused... I am scared. Why am I feeling like this?

Storm of emotions...

27-April -2014
Sunday
6:25 A.M

So what do you call it when all you feel is pain, when the place you call home feels deserted, when you look back at your own past and regret for every choice you made, when those who always appreciated you look at you with sympathy, when every time you smile or laugh it takes a great toll over your heart, when you try to look normal but your gestures say another story, when all you want is to cry, when nothing in the world makes you feel happy and you want to elope? That's how I am feeling right now. I am feeling loneliness enveloping me in its grip tighter and tighter. Pain, loneliness, memories that is what left with me. I am losing somewhere in never ending darkness. Unseen, unheard, dejected, broken, ripped into pieces. Do you know how it feels? I am scared of this darkness. I don't want to get lost in this dark zone. Someone please find me. Hold my hand and help me to come out of it. It's scary.

Do you know how it feels to left behind? Do you know the pain of losing everyone around?  I know it. I am bearing it. It's so unbearable. It's killing me inside. I am paying for the mistake I never did.

Once again my hopes are getting life as I can see you online. I kept my cellphone switched off ever since I saw you online because I can't resist for a long time. My heart won't listen to me and I'll text you. But one thing has certainly changed. I am feeling a bit better now. It turns me head over heals when it comes to you. Just seeing you online can make me feel better. If you'll be with me I know my all smiles will also come back.

At least I am not crying today. As I opened my eyes the first thing I have checked is if you are online /away or not. Your id status is showing away. Maybe you're sleeping. I know its going to be my new addiction to check you are there or not.

Let go or not...

26-April-2014
Saturday
6:23 A.M.

I still have feelings for you and no matter how many times I tell myself I am better off you, a part of me will always love you and won't let it go...

Falling in love is the most dangerous phase of life. Either it takes you to the extreme heights or spoil you perception of life forever. Latter part is true for me. It spoiled my life. As the days are passing I am losing myself more and more. Days are no better without you and nights are sleep deprived.

I cannot concentrate on studies. I don't feel like talking to anyone or going anywhere else. Even today when I open my eyes in the morning you are the one I want to wish or receive your wish.

I am not writing all this because I have any intention to show that how much you mean to me. It's just a medium for me to express my feelings as it is so impossible for me to say or share this with anyone. I know no one will understand this.

I still remember those mornings when we used to wake up early  so that we can spend more and more time together. The fun, love and romance we used to had. Everyday I say to myself there is no point in missing those moments. They won't come back. I have to learn to live without you. See just  a thought of living without you made me cry. These tears are traitors. Never listen to me. No matter how many times I tell myself I have to move on, I have to step ahead, a part of me will never allow me to move on. Not just you have gone from my life, my life has gone away from me. I hate myself for loving you like crazy. When you are happy without me, why can't I? Why can't I live a normal life with full of smiles? But I know life will never be same. I won't ever be same. This tragedy has changed me.

11:20 A.M.

After a very long time just 10 minutes back(11:20am), I logged into my gtalk id and to my surprise you are online. (Rather its a shock). I am dying to text you but I won't. I know either you will sign out or won't reply. It will hurt me even more. I can't take this risk at this time. Seeing you online all day long or whenever you login is enough for me. That means you are fine and the id is activated that clearly shows you still care cuz I know this id exists only for me. I know you must be reading our old chats and some of the mails which I have sent you after drifting apart. I am sorry for that Holi mail but at that time I was so broken. I wasn't in my senses when I typed that mail. But every word of that mail is true. Perhaps you too will be thinking the same as I am thinking whether to text you or not. You know I am very bad at taking initiatives. I have no courage to text you and the fear of never seeing you online is even more. I won't text you no matter how much my heart yell to do so. Seeing you online is giving me satisfaction that the love we had/have  isn't fake. If it wasn't you never had logged into this id ever. I know you very well. In these two years if you can read what's in my mind, I can also tell that you can't get over me. It's impossible for you.

Change isn't permanent...

25-April-2014
Friday
20:36 P.M.

I wonder what you think when you hear my name...

Today it's 46th day. Yes I am counting every single day since we aren't together. I wonder what comes to your mind when someone says KANYA. Do you think about me? For me even today when someone takes your name my heart skip it's beats. I feel very strange as if someone stirred all my emotions at once. Even today your name has the same intensity to turn my world upside down.

We want so many things in life. We dream to achieve success but once we find the love in our lives nothing else matters. We don't care about the whole world. We don't think about destination, the journey itself becomes destination. Holding hands and making sure that this journey is worth walking for becomes the main aim.

Before you came into my life I was already in a miserable state because of my past and then you came like a fresh breeze bringing happiness to my life. I always kept myself in a shell where no one enter and hurt me but I allowed you to enter only because I felt a different connection with you. There was some invisible force which brought me closer to you. Slowly and steadily our bond strengthened. A bond which I believed no power can break. You gave wings to my dreams. You brought the smiles back to my life. I trusted you more than anything in the world. You're all I ever wanted. I didn't know life has something else in store for me. Something unexpected and shocking. The way things changed is unbelievable. I am still living in the same world but without you this world means nothing to me. My heart craves for you. I want you to make me smile like always. I am missing the love we had. I wish there was any way to turn back time and bring us together once again.

Change is permanent. Its not true. If it is why are you not here with me? You changed my life and gone. All the broken promises make me think why did I let you come close to me?

Strange life...

24-April-2014
Thursday
5:57 A.M.*

Isn't it strange when you were with me the thought of being apart never crossed my mind and now when you aren't here my heart refuses to believe it?Things are changing certainly. I am trying to look normal. However I haven't started talking to anyone yet but I have started working on a new story "For the rest of my life..." I want to show you the manuscript and know your review like always but those days are gone now when you used to be the first one to read my stories and poetries. Your review always mattered for me the most. Well you never criticized my work but your words always encouraged me to write better. It's just a way to keep myself busy. I don't know if this story will be complete or not because you're not here to ask me "kanyu story complete huyi ki nhi? Kab complete hogi?"

Now I realize how much you were involved in my life. Dawn to dusk only you are in my mind thinking had you been there what would you have said on this or that. This writing thing is a good way to keep me busy but you know its momentarily as I know I can never complete the story without you. I need you and your support. The dialogues of all the stories were inspired by you(all our sweet conversations).

When I used to see people facing heartbreak and crying I always thought its madness and see today I am in same situation. Now I know what it actually feels like.

Sometimes I feel like snatching you from this world and keep you with me only. You are only mine. You promised that you belong to me only. No one has right over you. You are mine forever but then I remind myself the words of your Dad. I remind myself what Avantika di told me. I remind myself the time when we confronted each other. Its all so clumsy. I don't know whom to trust. Should I trust what Avantika di said or should I trust the promises you made? My heart tells me to trust you but my mind says Di won't lie.

Two years passed in a jiffy and now every second seems like ages. Everyday I count the days, hours, minutes and seconds since we are not together. Stupidity. I know. But I can't help it. I cannot forget you. You were and you are all I want. My love is still the same. I haven't forgot any of my promises.

3:00 P.M.

Feeling very uneasy. Don't know why. I wish you're here to make me feel better like always. My heart is beating so fast. I can feel the fast rythm of my heartbeats. There is something wrong but I don't know what. Since morning I was okay and now all of a sudden this restlessness. Maybe I am missing you so much or is there something really wrong? Do you also feel the way I am feeling right now? Perhaps no. You'll be so much busy in the preparations of your sister's wedding. Definitely you won't be having time to think about me. Or maybe you don't want to show that you too miss the lovely moments we shared together. I know you're too strong to handle all this but unfortunately I am not and no one knows it better than you. I am once again in tears. Hell..why am I thinking about you all the time? Why don't your memories leave me alone? Only thing I want at this moment is to hug someone and cry. God!!! These emotions are so out of control. Tears have finally found their way and escaped from my eyes. I wish there was some way to dry up my eyes and never let any tear to flow. These tears clearly show how much I miss you. I really miss you so much. Come back na...

Echos...

23-April-2014
Wednesday
6:06 A.M.

"Voices of past echo in present."

Last night was completely sleepless. I was constantly struggling between waking up and sleeping back, checking the time after every 10-15 minutes and waiting for dawn. Finally I can see sun rising in the horizon. Feeling little restless. A strange sensation in my hands. I wish I could give voice to my feelings. I could say something about what I am feeling. Sitting by study table, pressing the keys of my lappy, don't even know what I want to say or write.

Feelings are the most complicated things to understand. I am unable to understand what I am feeling and what I want. Do I want to move on or want you back? Do I miss you more or myself? Do I want to get over you or want you to be part of my life? It's all so confusing. I don't know what I want.

It's been 6 weeks now and even today I am thinking about you, missing you like crazy. I was completely unaware of this face of myself.  A girl like me, who give a damn to the world and chose you among millions, ignoring what others say, can cry like this. Unbelievable. You were the whole universe to me. (you still are.)

One part of me says I did wrong when I chose you but the other part of me says how could I be wrong when you're all I wanted. Was it my mistake that I trusted you so much? Yes, indeed it was. But the reason was you. You always assured me that you would never back out if any hurdle came along our way. The words you said in our past are echoing in my present. Haunting me. Scaring me. Making me miss you even more. Neither I can sleep nor I can stay awake in peace. My mind keeps on wandering into the memory lanes of past.

20:43 P.M.

Talked to Shashank for a long time today on call after so many days. He is really worried as it's shocking for him to see me in such depressed condition sounding so low. He told me not to bother about whatever happened rather I should focus on my career and my career. I listened to him patiently. No other option I had. I had nothing to say. He thinks I should go out and hang out with friends to keep myself diverted from your thoughts. The thing he doesn't understand is that these little things can keep me busy only for some time later its only you all I will think about.  Talking to him gives me a sense of not being alone but see what I am doing. After talking to him I am writing all this here. Stupidity.. isn't it? I know. But I can't help it. I need a way to pour my heart. Talking to anyone isn't possible as my voice doesn't support me. All I can do is to write.

6 weeks...

22-April -2014
Tuesday
12:53 P.M.

"Those who love you most have the power to hurt you most."

Today 6 weeks have gone since we aren't together. As I close my eyes every moment reappear in my mind how my beautiful dream turned into a nightmare. The night when I had sleeping pills, your calls, getting hospitalised, Iti's plan to expose, her talking to your family, those calls from your family, everyone getting involved to the world where only we two existed, confusions, blames, tensions in all the families and at last the truth which shocked everyone and killed me. Though I swear I don't believe any single word I was told. I cannot believe anyone. I don't know what's in your mind and why did you play this game but one thing is for sure that the love and care wasn't fake. I know you could never hurt me. There is some unknown story behind all this. Maybe the pictures were fake but feelings were not. Even if God comes down in front of me and say that it was all fake I won't believe him because I know it wasn't.

You said you know me well. More than I know myself. Yes its true indeed but that doesn't mean I don't know you. I know you too. You used to say I am your jaan and you cannot live without me. I just want to know how are you living now? Doesn't it hurt you? Don't you wake up in late nights just like me? Don't you miss that 24*7 texting?  Don't you remember the moments we used to spend together?  Don't you miss those sweet fights? Don't you miss the extreme break ups and then again getting back to each other telling how we couldn't live without each other? Don't you miss everything about us? We are meant to be together. Nothing in this world can change my love for you. No one can take your place in my life.

I'll be there...

21-April -2014
Monday
8:06 A.M.*

Waiting is like holding cactus in your knowing that its going to hurt you.

"Kanyu I promise I'll never leave you alone." These are your words. The promise you really kept well for two years. What happened now? Why did you break your promise?  Damn how you are  living without me? I can't even breath properly. It seems I am punishing myself every moment I am spending without you. I am pooling every effort to keep myself happy and busy but I can still feel the emptiness. The void which only you can fill with your presence.

I die daily in the hope that you'll come back. You'll come and say "kanyu I missed you like anything. " You never disappointed me. You wanted to see me happy forever. Don't you know you're my reason to be happy?  How can I be happy without you? I try not to think about you when you don't care about me but its not in my hands. The memories stir my soul to its core. I feel suffocating and I can't stop crying. The poetries  and stories also don't excite me now. I start writing but can't go beyond few lines. You're all I need. Music, books, rain, friends, family nothing makes me feel better. I don't remember when was the last time I smiled. Its only you who can bring my smile back. What wrong I did to you? Why are you punishing me for no reason?  Why do you want me to die like this? If you really want me to die just kill me once and for always but please don't punish me like this.

Make it all go away...

20Th-April -2014
Sunday
6:02 A.M.

One more morning with bad news. I slept around 3 a.m. in the morning and by 5:15 am my sleep was broken with mom's voice when she called dad shouting that there is blood in Jacob's cage. My heart sank completely. We all got up and went outside. It's wings were stuck in cage and blood was oozing from its tender skin. I was frozen at the sight. Jacob is just one month old and its body is yet not developed well. Dad somehow managed to take it out and cleaned its skin with water. Good thing is it's alive. I am really sad to see its condition.  The blood is making me paranoid.

Don't know what's wrong is going at my home. One after another mishappening. Having such a bad time. It seems there is no end of all this. Every next day something bad happens to make me realize I can never be happy again in my life.

I cannot sleep back after this sight. As I try to close my eyes, blood appears in front of me. Its terrible. I cannot face it.

I am tired of all this now. I cannot take it more. Everyday crying, thinking about the past, getting sad and depressed, losing myself more and more... I am done with all this. Now I want all this to get over.

14:09 P.M.

Now once again mom and her questions. I don't know why she doesn't  leave me alone. I can't even cry here peacefully. Don't I have right to live the way I want? Why everyone is forcing me to move on? When they don't know why I have become like this, why they want to do something thats not possible. They want me to speak up and I don't know how to explain that no matter how hard I try I cannot speak. The words just don't come out from my lips. I am feeling a strange churning inside me. My heart is beating rapidly. My hands are cold and eyes brimmed with tears. I wish there was any way to explain that I am not doing it willingly. I want to speak up and pour my heart into audible words. I want to come out from this trap of memories. I really want to start my life again. I do efforts too and Sometimes they are successful too but only for few moments. After a while I get trapped again. Crying and crying all day is not supposed to help me I know that. I even scold myself for reacting like this but in the end  its only me who give up as nothing helps.

People often say live moves on. It never stops for anyone. How to believe in these words? My life has stopped. A month.. more than a month.. your memories, my tears everything is same. You were the one who made me believe in love. Now come back and tell me how to forget you. Come back and make this pain go away.

Passing Days...

19-April -2014
Saturday
6:59 A.M.

Don't know from where to start. It's all same as it was. Things are not turning to be any better. My condition is getting worse with time. It takes a million efforts to make myself understand that nothing is going to be same. Everytime you cross my mind, I start repeating in my mind no i won't think about you. It's so difficult to push back your thoughts. No matter how hard I try they resonate in my mind.

I know I am a fool doing all this but I don't know how to explain that I am not responsible for all this. It's happening on it's own.

Yesterday after so many days I went to Mom's room. I think after 13-14 days. She wasn't there. Sounds strange na? But it's true. I don't go out of this room. I stay here just like a cocoon in its shell. It's been a long time when I had a talk with mom. I know she is really worried about my silence but now I don't like talking  to anyone. I don't have any answer to her questions and not even to my own questions.

I feel alone. I want someone beside me. I want to be like before. I want to be the same chirpy bird soaring high in the sky. But whenever anyone comes to talk to me I feel my voice is choked. Now I feel like a flightless bird who lost its wings.

The picturesque perfect life is broken into pieces. The fairy tale has met an abrupt end.

I feel as if even the nature is conspiring against me. This weather, rain, cold breeze, fluffy clouds, swaying leaves everything is so enchanting but not to me. I don't feel any excitement. It just crushes me more.

Not easy to let go...

17-April -2014
Thursday
5:12 A.M.

It's not easy to let go...

These sleep deprived nights and restless days. I never imagined life will take me here one day. I have seen several ups and downs in my life. The best of times when I felt I am flying above the sky and the worst of times when I lost all hopes. In all those times I was never so much carried away as I am today. Am I the same girl who was once a source of inspiration to others? Now I feel I never knew myself. Its beyond all my perceptions I assumed for myself. I have always known I am emotional and senti but to this extreme I never realized.

Sun is scattering its rays in the horizon vanishing all the darkness. I wish it could brighten my life too. They say every dark night has a bright morning. I am waiting for that morning. A morning which brings back you and my smiles too. Why have you gone away? Didn't you know I won't be able to accept it? This is getting a way too far I ever thought. Was I so much addicted to you? You're like a slow poison to me. I know its going to kill me in the end still I can't give up because it's my addiction.

People say life doesn't end with the departure of anyone. I hope they never met someone like me. My life has been ceased. It's not moving. Everyday the same moments, everyday the same pain. Increasing. At times I break down completely and want to cry until I die of exhaustion. How kiddish does it sound! No one can expect this from a girl like me. I always marvelled at the tragic and emotional moments of movies and novels thinking do they happen for real? Now I know yes they are so real. It happens. Love stabs the pure soul so brutally and the worst part is still it doesn't complain. Even today if someone says anything against you I can't listen. It fills me with anger. When Shashank and Shipra started talking against you I lost all my temper. I can't bear anything against you. Sounds stupid. I know. But my love was never so weak that it'll over in just few moments or days. The fact is it won't be over ever. I don't know why I still cannot believe on anything I know. I definitely have no proof of what's true and what's not but all I know is someone who gave me all the happiness of world cannot do this to me. There is something wrong. Something I don't know. Something I wasn't told. Something I might never get a chance to know.

22:03 P.M.

Full moon.. its looking so beautiful among uncountable stars in the sky.  I am standing at balcony gazing at the shining moon and twinkling stars. Missing you. Missing the time when we used to tell each other to watch the moon and comparing whose moon is more beautiful. Of course mine. It always was. The chilled breeze, velvety sky studded with moon and stars, prevailing silence and alone me missing you extremely. I wish you were here. I want to smile like before. That never ending smile. I don't miss only you, I miss myself too. This cold breeze and such a lovely view I always loved it and today I am feeling no emotion about it. It cannot bring my smile back.:'(

It hurts...

18-April -2014
Friday
8:46 A.M.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever...

These poetic words sound so romantic. Gives you a peculiar feeling of joy and unsaid happiness. I too used to feel the same feeling until few days back but not now. This exotic weather, cloudy sky, cold breeze, swaying leaves on trees, chirping birds, my dripping wet hair and song "Aa tujhe in baaho mein bharke aur bhi kar lu mai kareeb... tu humsafar, tu hamkadam, tu hamnava mera". To anyone it may give the most divine feeling of universe. The feeling of being in LOVE. But not to me.

I am sitting here alone near window watching this ethereal beauty of nature. Water drops dripping from my hairs and tears streaming  from my  eyes. Fighting back with myself, trying to be calm and composed. Why everything changed? Those moments were so amazing that I cannot forget them. Now I am here to miss every moment and cry. The changing tracks "koi nahi tere siwa mera yaha... pehle kabhi na tune mujhe gum diya, phir mujhe kyu tanha kar diya" are making me cry even more. That's why I avoid music now. My all love for music is over now.

I can see the first rain drops touching the ground and getting absorbed, losing its own existence. The smell of wet soil is making me feel nostalgic. I have lost my existence too. I am lost in some other world. A world from where I will never come back. I will never find myself back. I will never be the same. Love has changed me. Rather love has killed the real me.

Missing you like anything. I want you to say "chalo bahar". I want you to smirk when I say no. I want you to say "kanyu hairs dry karo." I want you to share every moment of mine with you. Come back na. I cannot live like this. I need you. I need you more than anything else in this world. It's not just you have gone from my life. My life itself has gone.

Today 2 States is releasing. From the very day I knew about this movie I wanted to watch it first day first show and today when the day has come I don't want to go anywhere. Nothing excites me now. Not even the best of things which I used to love from the core of my heart. Seems everything has lost its charm or maybe I have lost my interest.

My mood changes in seconds. At one moment I get angry for not getting over you and at the other moment I start crying because I start missing you badly. I feel so miserable. It hurts me. I am finding no way to tackle things. This seems so unreal how can a girl like me behave in such a kiddish way. How can I cry every single day for someone who I don't know ever existed or not? I am confused. I am in pain. I am hurt. All at the same moment. These creepy feelings don't let me stay in peace.

Staircase...

16-April-2014
Wednesday
6:14 A.M.

"Loneliness can be the best companion and the biggest enemy too."

I am tired of waking up with tears every morning. Sometimes I don't want to wake up at all. A deep eternal sleep is all I need at this moment. Opening eyes, finding the same gloomy atmosphere around makes me feel sick. I don't feel to open my eyes and face anyone. Nobody is talking here to anyone else. An eerie silence everywhere.

Dad won't say anything I know that. He never says until he is unable to hold his heart. Mom, I know, is sad and angry as well but she won't say anything because she knows I won't speak. Sweta isn't well and so am I. Is this the same home I used to live in? Full of smiles, loud music, shouts,  happiness all around... everything is lost. I know I am responsible for all this. Had I been fine, this would never had happened.

10:07 P.M.

One thing I have understood for sure that life will never be same for me. It's showing me the true colours of itself. Today evening at last Mom's frustation burst into words because neither I speak nor I eat and now continuously skipping classes. She didn't say directly anything to me but she was furious. I know its all because she wants me to react on anything. She came to me and questioned me about further studies and all. Sweta was also there. She also tried to know whats in my mind. I wanted to tell them that I just want to die, kill me. I simply spoke I am fine. She knew I ain't. There was a series of questions and I had no answers. Once again tears started rolling down from my eyes. This was enough for her. She wanted to talk to you and your family. Sweta gave her my cellphone to get the numbers. I was unable to say anything much so I simply took away my cellphone and went out of my room. Actually I was planning to leave the home at that very moment. I don't want to live here. Everyday the same questions.. I cannot tolerate it. I got up from my bed crying and barefooted I walked downstairs. Don't know how she felt that maybe I will go out and won't come back. Mom came after me but till then I was reached the main door. She quickly clutched my hand and stopped me from going anywhere. She tried to console me telling that I have to come out of this and start my life afresh. I kept on crying without speaking a word. After so much efforts of her I stopped crying. Since then there is a complete silence at home.

I have no idea if I had left home where had I gone or what had I done. But I really don't want to see my family worried all the time. This was the biggest step I ever have taken. Definitely Mom and Sweta both are shocked. I know they won't ask me anything now. I am completely fed up of my life and all these sufferings. I want all this to get over as soon as possible .

5 weeks...

15-April-2014
Tuesday
12:32 P.M.

5 weeks... Only I know how each and everyday has gone. I know it sounds stupid to cry over something which was never yours. How can I be such an emotional fool? The fact is even I didn't know this is how I am. It feels bad when something you adore ends but it hurts more when you still cling to what has ended. I know it's all over but I am still clinging to it.

5 weeks isn't a short span of time to forget things. It's long enough to realize that you'll never come back. Our ways are parted. Our lives are separated. Our paths will never cross again. Damn! Despite of knowing everything I am crying over you.

The date, the time, the moment, the memories of past remind me of all I had once. This life means nothing to me now. I have lost all I had. My friends and my family too. All hopes are dead and dreams are shattered. Could love do such things to anyone? It surely did to me. I remember all those moments we spent together. I think over and over again. I can't get rid of past memories.  I smile,  I cry, I burn at the same moment, every single time you cross my mind. It's so difficult to resist myself from not getting sad and teary. Unbearably sad.

Even today my mind cannot register the fact that we are not together. I don't how easy is it for you but for me its most impossible thing to do. Everything seems so incomplete. I always felt complete with you. If I were a body you were my soul. No matter for how long I stop talking to you or fight with you, even you knew I am the weakest in this relationship and I'll come back. I don't know if you used my emotions  or took me for granted. Didn't it hurt you even a bit?

With every thought of you my pain sharpens. It seems as if someone piercing my heart and I cannot even defend myself. People say only closed one have the power to hurt you deepest. So true they are. You did the same with me. I am at the point where neither I can die nor I can live. When I think of my parents I feel so bad. What mistake they have done? I am hurting them for no reason. They did everything for me, fulfilled my every wish and gave me the best upbringing they could. I wish they could get me back my lost two years too.

Toughest morning...

14-April-2014
Monday
7:14 A.M.

In last 33 days it was the scariest night and today its toughest morning for me. All night passed in tears. Don't remember when I slept and when I woke up. Now again the same condition. Have tears in my eyes . Don't know what's wrong with me and why I want to cry so much. Rather I should say I don't want to cry but I can't stop myself from crying.

Whole night I was thinking of the ways to die without troubling anyone. Many times I thought to hang myself or swallow all the available medicines in my room. Only I know how I stopped myself from taking any of those steps. I don't know for how long I will be able to stop myself. I am scared now.

I am feeling so restless as if something wrong is going to happen  God knows what more wrong is left to happen .

23:25 P.M.

Everything is getting wrong. Never had such a bad time ever in my life. Since morning I was not feeling good and at last things turned to their worst. I was almost fainted in class today. My hands went numb and body was ice cold. My friends, teachers and all the staff was shocked. They informed dad and dad had to come to take me back home. For a moment I thought I was passed away but unfortunately I didn't. I regained consciousness soon. Mom, dad and sweta all are so much worried now. Doctor said it was only due to low BP and weakness but I know its not the reason. I know what dad must be going through. He might not express but he is concerned. He understands something is troubling her daughter but he doesn't know how to ask as we never communicated much. I was sleeping since I came back to home and now when I am awake I can feel silence everywhere around me.

Sweta is sleeping beside me. She is also not well today and see how helpless I am, I cannot even look after her. Everyday she looks after me like a mother, takes care of me like an elder sister, tries to make me smile like a best friend and now when I should take care of her I am unable to do anything for her. She is the best sister anyone can have and I am the worst. I am feeling so miserable. Don't know if she has taken her dinner or not. She never eats without feeding me. She is the only reason I am still alive and breathing.

I am not getting where my life is taking me. I was never like this. I don't understand what has changed me so much. Is that the love we had or the broken trust? I feel the nerves in my head shaking. It's so much hurting me. What should I do to move out of this trauma? There is no way out. Seems all doors to happiness have closed and I am locked inside a deep dark chamber of pain to die. All I can see is darkness around me. No ray of right. Its better to die than to stay lifeless like this.:(

Streaming drops...

13-April -2014
Sunday
6:59 A.M.

20:17 P.M.

Somehow I tried to keep myself calm and composed whole day long. Remained busy with books and internet. Thought I am healing. But this was just a distraction which didn't last long. I lost it. Once again I am failed to recover. I am crying profusely here again. Locking myself inside the room I am crying from past one hour. Reason? I really don't know why. I am clueless. Tears are streaming down and I can't stop them. I really want to die. I can't live like this. This is enough for me. I can't bear this pain anymore. I don't want to die bit by bit. I want this pain to end once and for all. :'(:'(:'(

Don't know what I am up to . Don't know what I want. Don't know what I should do to let it all over. I have given up. It's not in my control now. Everytime I think things are getting better something or other thing has come up to mess it all. I have no strength to face all this. I am getting weaker day by day. Losing myself bit by bit. I don't know how long I will survive like this. I don't want anyone to know what I am going through. But the condition I am in says it all. I don't want anyone to come and see me like this crying dreadfully.

Only thought that's running to my mind is to kill myself and end this pain. Any possible way is fine with me. Hanging myself from fan, having lots of sleeping pills or any other drug or cutting my nerves anything.. just anything that can make me free from all this suffering.:'(:'( It's going way too far I had ever thought. I want to go away from everything and everyone.

I always lived a life with pride. I don't want anyone to know how broken and weak I am. I cannot see my own sister looking at me with concern and sympathy in her eyes. It hurts me. :'(:'(:'( I don't know what to do. How to stop myself from crying like this? I don't even have a reason to say why I am crying. My eyes refuse to follow me. I am afraid if anyone came here what would I say. How will I explain why am I crying like this? I just want to die.:'( I cannot explain anyone why I have become like this. Alive still dead. I cannot live like this. I am not that strong in hiding my feelings and pretend as if everything is fine. My eyes and silence say it all. I feel so suffocating here. Sometimes all I wish is to run away to some isolated place where no one know me and no one stop me from crying. Sometimes I want to kill myself and leave everything behind. I know it won't effect much to anyone except Sweta. But I know she is stronger than me. She will handle my death too. :'(

I have no wish to live anymore:'( Every breath I am taking is burden for me.:'( I cannot bear this burden now.:'( I am tired of everything:'( Just want to end everything.:'(

I wish time could roll back...

12-April -2014
Saturday
6:19 A.M.

'Sometimes I wish I could turn back time... impossible as it may seem. '

Lyrics of a  famous song by Backstreet boys. There comes a time in life when we want to turn back the time . I too wish the same. I really wish I could roll back to the time when we met. I know its not possible at any cost.

One month is over now. We are no more together. No hopes to be together in future too. There is a gaping void in my life. A void only can fill and no one else. Isn't it ironic the one with whom I wanted to spend my every moment and who was equally passionate for me not with me now? We were meant to be together. The most enviable couple. People used to say that I am so fortunate to have a partner like you. Now only I know how my fortune has turned into misfortune. We are no longer together. Destiny has snatched away all my happiness in a moment.

It hardly matters to me that one month has passed as you still occupy my mind and heart like before. Whatever I do, whatever I think you're always at the back of my mind. I am clueless why I am so much addicted of you. I shouldn't be. I won't get anything in return. Yes I know everything. But this heart.. it never listens to me. It always find some logic in irrational things. Certainly there is something wrong with it. Don't know what.

Seriously if I could roll back the time first thing I would have done is not to meet you ever. I don't regret the time I met you or the time I spent with. They were one of the best moment of my life. All I want is not to get involved with you like this. It's so painful to lose someone you thought is all yours. You were like a prized possession to me. I adored you. You meant my life to me.

1 Month...

11-April-2014
Friday
6:41 A.M.

Time passes. Memories stay.

1 month... 1 complete month has gone by today. I have spent a whole month without you. Everyday missing you more than anything. After all 2 years of ones life is a considerable amount of time. How can I forget, in that time you were with me like my shadow, never leaving me alone whether I want it or not.

I am in tears here. I don't know if you even remember me or not. Doesn't it hurt you now? I always thought if I walked out of this relationship you'll be broken but I know my notions were wrong. It's me who is broken and hurt.

Addiction to something(someone ) die hard. I am so much addicted to you even today. Don't know what is it which is not letting me move ahead. Some invisible force always pulls me closer to you.

Its been a month today but still your name has the power to set  my heart racing. I still remember when I used to wake up late night and buzz your cell with texts until you too wake up and tell me stories. I remember the silly code words we used and only we could understand them. The non- stop chat which made sense only to us. How wonderful relationship it was. Suddenly everything fell apart. I am filled with a deep sense of longing. A feeling of loss. A feeling of loneliness . I maybe laying here beside  Sweta on our  bed and typing all this but I am miles away from her. I am in a different world. A world where no one mattered to me except you. That feeling of possessiveness. You were my..  only my. My buddhu.

A sweet memory can do magic. See I am smiling with tears flowing down my cheeks.

Keeping the evidence of a broken relationship is seriously a worst idea. Yes I haven't deleted any of the mail, chats and screenshots. I really tried to delete the mails but when it asked to confirm if I really want to delete I pressed no. I couldn't gather enough courage to delete them. I cannot bear them to lose after losing you. What an emotional fool I am. Perhaps I couldn't delete them because for me its not over. Perhaps my heart is still having a fake hope that you and I will be together once again. Perhaps one day things will change and you'll come back and say sorry for leaving me like this. Perhaps...

All these physical evidences of our undying love make me feel so helpless. I feel something strange inside me. Sometimes I want to show you all this and ask, 'What happened to all that love Shrey? What happened?  Are you happy now? How the hell you dared do this to me? Don't you have a conscience? Don't you have a heart? Had you forgotten everything we had gone through? Had you forgotten two years we spent together ? Do you think of me? Do you miss me? Hell... do you even care if I am alive or dead? How could you do this to me? How?' Give me answers dammit!!

For others I am healing and I'll be fine underneath the pain is still raw, excruciating and unbearable. Only I know how this whole month has passed without you. It seems like ages. I am not sure if you will ever realise what a relationship actually means. I doubt that you'll ever understand something so pure and genuine. For me you were 'The one' only one. There was no one like you...there will no one ever be. No one can take your place in my heart. No one.. just no one matches you.( or rather I should say I cannot feel for others the way I felt for you.)

Surely Unsure...

10-April-2014
Thursday
22:10 P.M.

Be sure twice before you take a decision for lifetime. Time once gone never comes back.

It's not as easy as they say. Some decisions are so random but they possess the power to change our lives. One such random decision of my life was choosing you. Although I took my own time without letting anyone know yet the moment I accepted it was so random. I actually didn't know I would say yes like this and my yes will change my life so drastically. I so hate myself for saying it.

I am sure you'll never understand the depth of my pain. I maybe was a game for you. You really played it well and won too. This is something I had never ever expected from you. Had I known this truth will hurt me like this, I would never have shared it with Iti. This is so painful for me to endure it.

I can't believe myself what I have become. Today just a gtalk message tone made me shudder with fear. I was shaken by just a notification tone. Not because I was so engrossed in reading a novel, its because that notification tone reminded me of you. How we used to join all the apps only  to stay together each and every moment. How we used to chat on different apps talking on different topics simultaneously. On one romancing and on other casually talking. How things have changed? Now I don't have any reason to use any of the app.

Even today if anything funny or important happens here I want you to be the first one to know. I still think I'll tell you this, I'll tell you that and then scold myself for doing all this. I try to bury your memories at the back of my mind but they push and come back.

I sit with everyone but still miles away from them. It takes time to understand what someone is actually saying to me because my mind is always wandering in some other world 

Its difficult for me to understand myself even. At one moment I want to forget you, bury your memories and get over you but at the other moment I want you back, Cherish the memories and spend every possible moment of my life with you. I am so unsure and undecided. I don't know what I actually want. Do I want to forget you? Do I want you back even after knowing the truth? Do I want to forget the past? Do I still want to be with you? So many questions and I am puzzled.

Uprooting yourself is so damn impossible. You know its going to kill you but still you have to do it.

Holding on...

9-April-2014
Wednesday
6:40 A.M.

Holding on to past is insanity...

Another lonely morning.. another long day to go with the never ending memories. As I try to recollect myself the waves of memories once again blow me. Holding on to past is insanity. An insanity which is never going to cure. No matter how much I try to move ahead I know my heart will not fickle from its place.

Life is darn cruel. When it gives, it gives in abundance and when it snatches, it doesn't leave you with even a bit. When I was happy, there was no end to smiles and now when I am sad, there is no end to tears. Why everything is so complicated?

It was such a hard day to pass. Every second I missed you like crazy. Whole day I was battling myself should I message you once or not. At last I didn't. Only I know how I resisted myself. One of the special day turned into one of the worst day. Isn't it ironic? It hurts. It hurts to the core.

Now when we have moved apart and I think of the things you said and promises you did I realize how easily you convinced me for everything. I trusted you more than myself. But today my mind is clouded with doubts, not just about you, about so many other things and people. One such person is Rushant. Ever since you are not with me he is lost too. I am sure there is some link between you and him. Was he too lying? Or should I say you were behind this Rushant's story?  There is something fishy and I got it from the very day when Rushant and I discussed about Aarav. The rage and way he was talking pushed me to doubt about his identity which I never showed but I know its you behind him or...... 

4 weeks...

8-April -2014
Tuesday
6:55 A.M.

Some dates are always cursed.

8Th, the most awaited date of every month. In past two years there isn't a single month when you didn't wish me no matter how angry I was.  Missing you like anything.

One day and so many memories.. Today its last day of Navratri. I remember during last navratri puja and kanya bhoj I was giving you details about puja and everything at home. We celebrated it together. Yes today also everything is going on same way only difference is this time there is no smile on my face.

Today 4 weeks have passed when I got to know about the truth. It seems everything happened yesterday only. Nothing has changed is my condition. I am still as sad as I was. Even now I wait for your morning text, specially today. I felt so bad when there was no text wishing me happy anniversary. It's an obvious fact that there is no point in wishing now as there is nothing like before but its this heart who isn't ready to admit the truth.

I really don't know how this day is going to pass. I am missing you so badly. I wish either I  could erase each and every memory of yours from my mind or I could stop this heart from beating. I cannot fight with myself everyday. The more I try myself to keep calm the more restless I feel.

Yesterday Ankit brought a parrot for me. It's just 10-15 days old. Very small & delicate. We have named him Jacob. Ankit  thinks this will keep me busy and divert my mind. Yes it actually did for some time but it didn't take too long to drag me back to your thoughts. I have hardly slept last night. Wanted to message you like always at midnight but I stopped myself doing any such mistake. Yes I am trying myself to prove strong. Though I know I am not.. neither I was nor I would be ever.

In fact this incident has made me more weak. I am totally changed from what I was. This incident has killed the real me. I have lost my own identity in process of getting and losing you. Scariest incident of my life. I can never ever trust anyone now.

The one and only unshaken support I have is Sweta here. She maybe be younger to me but she is dealing me with so much maturity. I had decided I won't do any puja or go to temple but she forced me to attend aarti. She is the one who took me to temple on the first of Navratri and yesterday too that too by tricking me. I know it was intentional but I didn't say anything as I know she want me to come out of this traumatic phase anyhow and she is putting all efforts too.

Everyone want me to forget the past and move on. I want it too. But days like today won't ever let it happen. If I will keep missing you like this and cry how will I move on I don't have any clue.

Battling myself...

7-April-2014
Monday
9:43 A.M.

Your worst battle is between what you know and how you feel.

How true the statement is. I am exactly battling between the truth I know and how I am feeling. The truth is something I cannot accept and the feeling is something I cannot let go. The mind always agrees to what heart craves for. The love I once found in you is what my heart craves for and mind is easily convinced with it. I want to shut all doors of my heart to your memories,  want your thoughts not to cloud my mind, want to get rid of this addiction but it all seems so impossible.

26Th day it is since we last exchanged any word. The last words. I wish I had never known the truth. This isn't  a bitter truth, it is deadly. It has killed my soul. I am lifeless now. I always believed our love is the  strongest bond I could think of. You too put every effort to save it in all wrong times we had gone through.

Today its Durga puja at home and I remember how you used to make me smile like stupids in puja telling me to make weird expressions during puja. I remember how I used to hide cell in my lap while sitting in puja and talking to you. Hiding my smile. How good those days were. I wish I could let them come back once again. I want to smile like before once again. I want to be as alive as I was once again. I want to feel the love we had once again. Even though it was an illusion, I lived it in reality.

I know it cannot be possible even in my weirdest dream. The moments I cherished with you will never come back. You'll never come back. Your love will never come back. The memories of those cherished now make me cry. On this auspicious eve too I am sad with teary eyes. I understand these tears won't bring you back this time. Now you don't care(or maybe you do but not showing ). It's too hard to resist my urge to get you back.

I always thought I will be the first one to walk out of this relationship if anything happened as I always used to do. I cannot believe I am crying over you like a moron for no valid reason. I don't know if you still miss me or think about me but let me tell you there isn't a single moment when you are not in my mind. When I wake up late in the night I get a strong feeling you too will be awake like me. Your small little gestures to keep me happy and smiling make me miss you more..even more.

I seriously want you BACK in my life. I don't want to live like an alive corpse.:'(

Unexpected life...

6-April -2014
Sunday
6:59 A.M.

I hate the fact that I can't get over you.

25 days have gone today since we aren't together. More than enough time to comprehend the situations. Does loving someone can be so painful? I really never had an idea but then they say only unexpected things happen in life. You came into my life-unexpected. We became friends - unexpected. I fell in love with our friendship - unexpected. You said you love me more- lie.

God!!!! I just cannot believe its all happening with me. People say love is a pure and sacred emotional without any evil. I actually believed in it blindly. I believed our love is unconditional. I believed we'll always be together, nothing in this world can separate us. I trusted you with all my heart. And what you did? You walked out of my life as if two years were nothing. How could you be so ruthless?

Do you remember once(in May 2013) when we had break up and I wanted to walk out you were the who said that when coming into relationship was our mutual decision how could I take the decision of walking out alone.  Now what should I say? If you had to do all this and you knew its not going to work in long run why did you always make me come back to you? Why didn't you let me go? Why did you left me crying here? Didn't you know I won't ever be able to handle all this alone?  Why don't you make me come back once again?   I want answers.

I just cannot accept all this. Its beyond my strength. I am here crying out for the one who actually doesn't exist (or this is what I am made to believe by your family). This is so hard for me not to cry. Last night I cried and was sitting alone. Sweta sensed I am again thinking about the same and said me if there is something I can share with her. I was dumbstruck to hear this. She is more mature than me. She understands things better than me. I was thinking am I her elder sister or she is mine. The way she is handling me with love, care and sympathy, I am indebted to her for everything. Had I been at her place, I couldn't have handled all this with this much courage.

I do understand this way my pain is not going to subside but I cannot distract myself from your thoughts. It is not as easy as others(or you) think. You think saying sorry for what you did was enough to make me forget past two years? No its not. Your or your family's sorry is not going to help me. Moreover I don't even believe that story. I don't know how much true it is but I really cannot believe that someone who loved me more than his life (or pretended so) can do this to me. Its unbelievable.

This is the worst experience of my life. I had been through many tough times but I always came out strong. In our case I don't know how to accept it with a strong heart. It's so very difficult.

Scary past...

05-April -2014
Saturday
6:39 A.M.

Nothing is more scary than dreadful  haunting memories of your own past.

Damn its now getting too difficult for me to survive. These tears.. pouring through my eyes like an overflown river. I am just not getting what to do. How to leave my bed, walk out  and face everyone with these wet eyes? How to explain everyone I have  still not recovered from the shock? Two years of my life I have spent with you. Smiling, cherishing, teasing, fighting, nudging and above all loving unconditionally. Undying pain, uncontrollable tears and unforgettable memories are all I have got in return. I seriously want to come out of this reverie but nothing seems to work. I try hard not to think about my past and move ahead. I try to keep myself busy as much as possible. I do everything, what I can do, to let go my past but it's haunting me like anything.

There isn't even a moment go by when you're not in my mind. Music was something I always loved but I cannot hear any song now... it feels so irritating. I always loved reading & writing but I can't do that even. You know why? Because in almost every diary, notebook or book I used to write about us and now when I turn pages and find those notes I feel a strange churning inside me. I cannot read them now. It makes me cry. I feel deserted without you.

There is nothing which can divert my mind. I just do things because I have no other choice. I don't want to trouble anyone just because I am not in peace with myself. Everyone looks me with suspicion because I stay silent. I either give monosyallable replies or just reply with expressions. My voice has lost somewhere. All I want to do is to cry and cry until I am over with this pain.

Sometimes it becomes so difficult for me to hide my feelings and I look for a way to hide myself and cry like I am doing now. I don't know why it is affecting me so much. Deep inside my soul I know this  wasn't an everlasting relationship but for now this was all I had. I don't remember a day when I didn't pray to God for us. My all prayers went unanswered. I have lost faith in God. How could he this to me? How could he snatch the one and only happiness of my life and leave me crying? Where was I at fault? Every prayer I did had your name. I never asked for anything else. Then why?..why all this has to happen with me? I may not be the biggest devotee but my prayers were never manipulated.

I don't know what's going on in your life. Maybe you'll be happy. Maybe you'll be angry on Iti and others who were responsible for all this. Maybe you'll be angry on me too but the fact is I was unaware of all that plotting. Had I known about all this, I would have never let it happen. I really wish I had never known the truth. This was the only reason of my smiles and happiness. Just one truth has taken away all my smiles just like the flood takes away everything that comes in its coarse.

Unfair life...

4-April-2014
Friday
6:23 A.M.

It's crazy how you get hurt most by the person you never expected from.

Life is so unfair. It gives you everything when you want nothing and snatches everything when you want something. People come in your life either to stay or to teach you how to live alone. You neither stayed with me nor told me how to live alone. Even if I  look at the circumstances from a different point of view and think what you did to me just happened, I don't get any clue why you continued it for two years? It's beyond any reason you and your family gave to me. Was it intentional? Was it some plotting? Was it a co incident? I don't know what was it but it's hurting me like hell. I feel so stupid for not getting over you and crying every single day. Nothing soothes my heart. The thoughts of past cloud my mind and it rains from my eyes. I'm not able to absorb this harsh reality.

I trusted you more than myself, left everything behind just to be with you, drove everyone away from me only because I thought you'll always be there for me holding my hand but now I realize how wrong I was. I didn't understand life isn't a movie with a happy ending. People hold your hand, walk with you, make you believe that they'll protect you from every evil of the world and when you start believing them one day they are the same people who push you from the edge of cliff making you realize how wrong it is to trust someone blindly. Once you start believing them blindly they will prove, you are blind. 

People change, memories don't...

3-April-2014
Thursday
6:52 A.M.

People change, memories don't.

Some people come into your life not to stay but to make you alone. You did the same. You came into my life, changed my life and left me alone to cry for no reason. Days somehow passing but memories are still haunting me. It is so difficult to erase all these memories from my mind. Everything has changed but not these memories. They are still as fresh as morning dew drops.

Maybe things have been changed and we're not together anymore but still your memories are with me every time, every moment. You are changed and I am changed too but the love & memories will never be changed. People say what's out of sight is out of mind. Is it so? No I don't think so because

Worst mornings...

2-April-2014
Wednesday
6:31 A.M.

Love: Feels like heaven, hurts like hell.

Good morning.. I have got no reason to call any morning good. It was awesome when I used to open my eyes reading your text. I extremely miss the cute texts, love, romance & everlasting promises.

As the time is passing I m getting worse to worst. Last night Ankit told me not to be like this & spoil myself. I could only listen to him because I had no reply what to say. Am I doing it willingly?  No. Loving you is like breathing, I don't do it, it just happens.

The days when I was with you were so smooth. I didn't care what problems I have because in every situation you could make me smile. A simple 'hugs u', 'luv u my baby' 'u r my buddhu baby' like words always made me smile. I was..I am addicted to all this. Now I feel emptiness and the worst part is noone can fill this emptiness. No one can ever take the place you made in my heart.

My love story was more than a fairy tale. Do fairy tales end like this? I'm sure no. So should I consider it hasn't ended yet? Maybe these are some stupid notions of mine.

22:13 P.M.

Don't know what to say. Missing you a lot. Want to cry..already teary eyes. Why is this happening with me? I really want to restart my life. I want to forget everything. I want to move on. How can I be so helpless? I was never like this. I have faced many tough times before but losing you is toughest phase of my life. I am just not getting what to do. It seems so stupid of me.. why the hell I am crying for someone who doesn't even exist now? I have no answer. Everyday I promise myself I won't think about you or cry and everyday I break my own promise.

I want this pain to subside and live like a free bird as before. But I think this pain will subside only with my last breath.