Sometime...All the time...everytime

May 30th, 2014
Friday
10:37 A.M.

It doesn't make sense to let go something you had for so long but it also doesn't make any sense to hold on when nothing is left.

Not having a good day. Feeling feverish and very uneasy. Eyes are paining too. Heart is racing frantically. M feeling as if something wrong is going to happen. Fingers crossed. I hope nothing wrong happens now. I have already faced a lot in past few months. Don't know why I am just not feeling good. I told this to mom also when she was working in kitchen but she said its all because of summer season. She didn't take my words seriously and somehow missed the expression of my pale face. I'm seriously not feeling good.

Today it's Aarav's birthday. I wished him in early morning when he was sleeping.  I am happy because my call made him happy. We're planning for a small gathering at his place as he is also not well. I have assured him that I'll come. I actually don't want to go but I don't have any choice but to meet him. He planned my birthday very well. Now its my turn to do something for him. I cannot let him down.

I am not worried about about meeting Aarav, I am scared of meeting other people at his place. I kind of feel scary in crowd. Too many people, laughing, talking, gossiping, asked questions... too much to take. Irritating buzz. I just feel like running. Running away from all that buzz.

In all these days I feel comfortable only in my room, in utter silence. Crowd, voices, questions, smiles they all make me panic. I don't know what is going to happen. I haven't decided what to gift him. Few days back I promised him to bring a nice shirt but that isn't enough. I have to think something more to make him feel special. His expectations must be high as he knows I'm good at making surprise plans. Little does he know that I'm not the same girl now. It's not easy for me to plan something special this time. I'm really scared and nervous too.

11:15 P.M.

Me-You=Emptiness

May 29th, 2014
Thursday
5:00 A.M.

Although we aren't together anymore, I still miss you the most.

Even when I have thousands of reasons to leave you, I always get one reason to hold on to you.  That one reason is LOVE. My love for you will never change. Today you're not here with me in my life but I cannot forget the time when you were with me, when I owned you.

So many times I want to go back to the time when we met first. No, not to hold you forever but to wipe out them from my life. It would've saved me from the pain I am facing today. For others its all rubbish to think love someone who actually doesn't exist now but I know you existed for me. The love between us was never fake. I know if I miss the time we spent together you must be missing them too. If I feel incomplete without you, you must be feeling alone too. If I miss your good morning wish, you'll be feeling restless too. I know you very well. If its hard for me to survive here, it cannot be easy for you either.

20:47 P.M.

Don't know why I am not feeling good. Maybe I am missing you. Having headache and eyes are paining too. Not feeling like talking to anyone. Day was okay. I have started working on a new story. I started this story long back but I didn't finish it. Now thinking to complete it. Very much confused about the names of characters. I wish I could ask you for suggestions. Right now I have chosen Shlok and Shruti but I ain't satisfied with any of them. It's not appealing to me. Had you been there, you would've helped me for sure. Unfortunately you aren't here. I know I cannot force you to be with me but I can wish at least.

You know what even today if I see a falling star I wish for you, even today if I bow my head to pray, I pray for you. Whenever I get hiccups I think it would be you missing me. I understand its all foolish but these things are beyond my control.

It's always you...

May 28th, 2014
Wednesday
20:48 P.M.

Everytime I try to move on you are there. Everytime I try to hold you, you are gone.

I actually don't know from where to start. Every breath I take has your memories. Even if I try to convince myself that it has to happen someday so I don't need to think about all this, my heart won't accept it.

I don't know if I miss you or I'm missing myself. Nothing makes sense to me. How things started to how things ended, everything is so confusing. I tried to recollect when I started falling for you. I couldn't remember anything. I guess we had some strange bonding since start. I still remember the first time I noticed you was when Priya introduced you ad her bf. We had talked earlier too but that was the first time when I noticed you. After that I don't remember how we got separated from the whole group. I can't recall anything about the time I started loving you. Maybe I don't remember about the day, date or time but one thing I am sure about is that it was always you who made me happy.

Nothing as changed today also. Even today only you are the one who has the power to make me smile. Thank you so much that you wished me. I don't know if you hadn't wished me how would I had spent my day. Maybe in tears. You know I haven't opened some of the gifts yet. Getting gifts and opening them as soon as possible was a craze for me but this time they are still wrapped and kept in my cupboard. I am not feeling to open them.

I really wanted to show you the pictures of party and gifts. I wanted to tell you everything about my day. I miss our old conversations when I used to tell you anything and everything on my mind. Missing you isn't something I do willingly. It happens itself.

11 Weeks + happy birthday to me + added smiles..

May 27th, 2014
Tuesday
12:47 A.M.

What a day! 11 weeks of our falling apart and my birthday. Receiving wishes from everyone. Calls, texts, whatsapp, gmail all are flooded with wishes. Happy, smiling, getting gifts.. what else is needed for a happy birthday? I know you remember my birthday. You can never forget it. Not even in your dreams. It's not my blind faith, its my love. I know you. I know you'd be thinking to wish me too but the anticipation of you should or you should not is stopping you. I really wish you'd wished me first like last year. It would've multiplied my happiness. But it's okay. I have no right to expect anything now. I have no right over you. You're no more mine. I know its stupid but I am still hoping that you'll wish me. I am eagerly waiting for you to wish me. Maybe just a simple text but please wish me. I cannot sleep. I know you must be awake too. I wish we could talk. I wish you could make me smile again like before.

5:14 A.M.

New day, new hopes, new life. By now all my close ones have wished me, except the one who is closest to my heart. You haven't wished me yet. Am I hoping too much? My heart says you can never forget my birthday. You maybe feeling the same as I. Confused. See where life has taken us. just 11 weeks ago we used to share every breath ours and today we're confused how to strike a conversation. Funny. Isn't it? I'm feeling like dying on my own birthday. I'm not feeling happy at all. Received wishes and gifts in night itself, still there isn't smile on my face and eyes are wet. I really don't want to cry. My sad face will make others sad but I am scared that I'd be able to hold my tears for too long.

7:10 A.M.

Omggggg.. you wished me. I can't believe it. Thank you sooooooo much. I knew it. I knew you can never forget my birthday. I knew you'll wish me. I know you well. I cannot be wrong when it comes to you. Your gtalk is activated again. I'm more than happy. You know what I am still crying. I know I'm silly. I have always heard about tears of happiness. Today I know what actually it means. I am happy still I have tears in my eyes.
I want to reply you right now but I am scared. I want to say thank you for making my day special but I've not replied you only because I am scared it may bring a new start. It may begin an end. I may not be replying you right now and I won't reply later too but it's just because I have no strength to go onto same phase.

11:35 P.M.

Day is coming to an end. It was overall a good day. Shipra, Shivangi, Deeksha, Sameer, Ankit came to home. I saw Shipra after her birthday on march 30th. I am glad she came. I know she was upset with me since her birthday still she came here. It's a big deal to me. We had a great time together. We talked a lot, laughed, discussed everything we could. It didn't feel that we met after two months. With others too I had good time but Shipra means more than anymore to me.

In evening I went out with Aarav, Iti, Priyam, Vidit, Nits and Ananya di. I had severe headache but I could not cancel the plan. They all wanted me to come. I went only half-hearted. I know they all love me and in last few days the way I have behaved isn't right from any way. I have to make everything right once again. I cannot let everyone down.

They all got unexpected gifts to me and the most unexpected gift is given by Aarav. Guess what he has gifted me. He has gifted me a GUITAR. Yes, a brown colour acoustic guitar. I have received so many gifts today from jewelry to handbag but this one is so special. I am actually surprised how he thought of such a gift. I mean I don't even know how to play guitar. Second best gift of this special day. Obviously first gift is your wish. Without that my happiness would've been incomplete.

We cut the cake and celebrated. One more unexpected thing happened today. I had vodka. Yeah after a long time I tasted alcohol.

Mixed feelings...

May 25th, 2014
Sunday
5:25 A.M.

Getting over someone is just a false notion. The truth is that we just learn that someone can never be ours.

I hate myself. I can never forgive myself. I am the one responsible for my condition today. No one forced me to be like this. Why I am punishing myself when I clearly know that it wasn't my mistake? Why I cannot think beyond you? Morning to evening your thoughts linger in my head. They mess with my emotions. I

Embracing pain...

May 26, 2014
Monday
20:44 P.M.

I've gone over this my head over and over but never thought it would hit me so hard. It's not about how much I miss you, its about wondering if you miss me too.

I will never understand in my life why I love you so much. Your every move makes my world upside down. Just saw that you have signed out your gtalk id. My heart lost all its beats for a moment. Why its hurting me? We weren't talking either. It should not affect me now. But see I am not able to stop my tears. When it comes to you my mind loses all its powers to think and respond. I forget everything else. I don't get what to do and how to react to the situations.

It's so much painful to not see you online. Maybe you've just set it on invisible mode but its like I've lost you allover again. Why I think I have lost you when you're not even mine? Life is so  complicated. You're not here still I feel you around. Its been 11 weeks I've not heard from you still I want to share every moment of my life with you. When I stay alone I think that I'll tell you so many things, things that are happening around me, things that I want to do, something that I am feeling or actually everything under the sun.

I need you. I want you to tell me that everything is going to be fine. I want you to tell me that you'll never leave me alone. I know its a wish which is never going to fulfill but its not easy to convince my heart. Its my stubborn heart which wants you, you and only you.

I'll never be okay without you...

May 23, 2014
Friday
5:12 A.M.

Morning rays are scattering over the sky, lightening the world of people. Sun can only light up the world not my heart. Only you can bring the light in my dark world.

Moment by moment days are trailing. Some moments I miss you and some moments I miss you more. There isn't a moment when I can say you're not there in my thoughts.

How can someone rule over my heart like this? It's a question for me too. The more I search for answers the more baffled I get. Things are improving. I have learnt to fake smiles in front of others. Deep inside my heart I know how much pain is behind these smiles. Whenever I sit alone I want to cry and sometimes I cry too. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you the things I cannot tell to anyone else. I want you to make me smile. I want you to argue with me that I am your baby, only yours.

I don't know how are you there but I ain't okay without you here. I'll never be okay without you. Maybe you've moved on, maybe you miss me. Maybe you played with my feelings, maybe circumstances made you do this. Maybe... No matter how many times I try to make myself understand that you're not in my life now, I'll never accept it in real.

6:59 P.M.

I came back with Aarav and his sister today. We had very short conversation as Ananya di was also with us. She knows about the incident but not completely. She knows that I have lost someone I used to love a lot. She doesn't know I have still not moved on. My silent and reserved demeanor is enough to make anyone understand that I'm changed. Aarav asked me for ice-cream and guess what I said that I don't want. He insisted many times but I really didn't want to eat. Strange for him. I used to fight for ice-cream always. I loved it because you used to stop me. Now you're not here to stop me and I don't like to eat it.

Old vs new...

May 22nd, 2014
Thursday
7:00 P.M.

When I see other people being with each other madly in love I feel so uncomfortable and lonely. Not because now I don't have someone by my side, its because once I had you who loved me like no one can love to anyone. The worst part of being in relationship is that once it is broken you feel more lonely than you ever felt when you're single.  Its kinda same for me. I was fine when you didn't enter into my life. At least I knew I have to make it on my own alone. But then you came into my life. You made me believe that I am not alone. You are always with me. You promised that no matter what happens you'll never leave my hand. I was so proud to have you. I still am.

Today I talked to someone on chaty and he told me that you always used to ask about me whenever I wasn't there. I have saved his screenshots. It felt good to know but it hurts equally. Wasn't that love? You're always so much caring and possessive for me. People in love do this. Wherever I go people ask about you. They want to know where are you. They want to know how our relationship is going on. It hurts extremely. I don't get words what to say. I have no answer. I don't know where are you. I don't know how are you. I don't know how to say our relationship no longer exists.

6:44 P.M.

You remember sometime back I had lost my gold chain & ohm pendant. Today I went to jewellery showroom to buy new pendant and chain. I haven't purchased chain for myself as I have another one too. Instead I bought a ring and a new Ohm pendant. I wanted to send you pic but I don't know whether you'll see them or not. The day when I had lost my pendant I had cried whole day as it was a memorable gift to me. Now I have got a new one but its not as special as the previous one was.

Recounting past...

May 21st, 2014
Wednesday
8:40 A.M.

I am going through the toughest phase of my life. Days come and go but your memories only come they never leave. Yesterday 10 weeks got over. I don't know if you remember me or not. More than two months is enough time to let go things. Specially for you as there will be celebration time at your home. Had everything been fine, it would've been a celebration time for me too. Aarav, Iti, Priyam, Ananya di, Sweta, Vidit everyone is enjoying. I smile too with them but they don't know this smile is fake. It's just a way to show them that I am fine.  The truth is that I am not fine. I still miss you like anything. Even today whenever there is a buzz on my cellphone I expect it to be you.

Last night Aarav texted me late night to talk. I really thought it would be you. I was highly disappointed to see it was he. Still I replied to him. We had a normal chat and than he asked me about you, indirectly of course. I didn't know what to say. I switched off cell without saying bye.

He didn't take your name but the way he asked about you brought back all the memories associated with you. I was thinking how I used to wake you up in late nights. How much I loved it. Those beautiful moments. Those silly cute romantic chats. Those awesome stories. Stories no one else can tell. Stories I loved like anything. Every single story was the best in itself. Even the best selling authors of this whole world can't write such lovely stories to make me smile.

I crave for those stories. Come back please. When you're with me I always had a peaceful sleep cuz I knew you're with me. Now these sleepless and restless nights make me miss you more. I get scared of even a slightest voice. So many times I stay lost in thoughts so deeply that if anyone speaker I almost shiver. Love is seriously the most dangerous weapon used for killing.

10 weeks..

May 20th, 2014
Tuesday
20:36 P.M.

The waiting moments pass too slow. Today 10 weeks are over. To me it seems eternity when I think about the moments we last had conversation with so much love. And when I think of that deadly moment when we lost our ways I feel like it happened yesterday.

The more I try to forget about you, the more I remember you. Yesterday I talked to Nakul. I am sure you would have forgotten about him. He is the same guy about whom you once said that he isn't a good guy and I should stay away from him. I had blocked him right then. By chance we are in contact again. We had a small chat yesterday. He told me about Siona. Now I am sure you would've got who is Nakul. The name Siona... it made me remind so many things. The things you'd told me before we came into relationship. I didn't say anything to him whatever you told me but my short conversation with Nakul has left me puzzled.

Crucial day...

May 16th, 2014
Friday
5:54 A.M.

Morning. Can't wish good morning as it's not going to be good for me. It's a crucial day for many reasons. Iti, her family and Aarav are coming today also election results are going to be declared. Election results are already known that Modi will be our next PM. I am worried about my meeting with Aaru and Iti. I am feeling very uncomfortable. Just few more hours and they all will be in Kanpur. I have just switched my cell and got Aarav's texts that he is very eager to meet me after such a long time. The more eager he is, the more nervous I am. I hope things don't turn out to be wrong anyway.

11:15 A.M.

I have activated FB once again. Seeing those old posts is atrocious. I have hidden all the posts from timeline so that I don't have to see them every time I go through my own profile. Now those posts don't show your comments. They show only my part of conversation but I remember everything you wrote. I saw a few posts. They made me lost in the vision when we used to play on comments. Your name on my status. Gosh! I don't want to cry again.  You're nomore a part of my life still you are in my mind all the time.

6:51 P.M.

Iti, her family and Aarav have arrived Kanpur this afternoon. They are quite excited to meet me. Aarav is little upset. I don't know why. We had a few words and I felt some change in his voice. I am scared now. I hope he isn't upset because of me.

How to face...

May 15th, 2014
Thursday
20:51 P.M.

The urge of this heart that I want you, just you and only you will kill me someday...

All I want is you and nothing else. I didn't know life would be so difficult to live without you. Today after gathering all my courage I activated my FB once again. Can you believe it I deactivated it within 10 minutes? Do you know why? The cover pic was my name you wrote on your hand which reminds me of you. The statutes show the number of comments which were yours. The posts I updated on special occasions to wish you remind me how much you loved me. The love announcement update which has our story and pic of K..... damn I can't even his name. It hurts so much.

Tomorrow Iti is coming to Kanpur with her family along with Aarav. Very soon I have to face her. I can handle Aarav but Iti... how will I face her? I am not sure if I am thankful to her for what she did or I am angry with her  for bursting the bubble of my happiness. Even after viewing the profile of K... I trusted you, I wanted to be with you. I wish I had never shared all that with her. I know she was concerned about me but the step took to make everything right was wrong.

I have to face Aarav as well. He was always against our relationship. He warned me so many times not because he was jealous, actually he was worried. The way our relationship was progressing from one step to other so quickly was making him uncomfortable. His intuition was right. Everything ended so abruptly as he had predicted. I know he won't raise this topic as he knows how painful it is for me to remind the past and answer his questions. Still I am feeling so uneasy. Meeting everyone, pretending that I am moved on, unfazed, nonplussed with whatever happened is going to be treacherous for me. Faking smiles and showing I am happy isn't easy for me.

The biggest problem is I can't escape from this situation. In fact I can't even tell anyone what I am feeling at this moment. In few hours they will arrive to Kanpur. Aarav is so desperate to see me. I am sure he'll come to meet me tomorrow itself. I can't even avoid him this time. I'm afraid I'll give up as he will come in front of me.

Evidences of past...

May 14, 2014
Wednesday
20:08 P.M.

The pain of seeing the physical evidences of something which no longer exists except in memories, is excruciating.

Whenever I see our old mails, texts and screenshots a saddened smile play across my lips. You also must be having hundreds of them. I know just like me you can't delete them. They are so precious to both of us. In fact we have different screenshots of our texts which we used to like distinctly and save them to show them to each other.

I remember how you used to send me my own texts whenever we had a fight reminding me my promises . Today I want to send you your texts to remind you your promises and swears. I always trusted you more than anyone. You made me believe in love. You made me smile. You made me believe in all the promises we did. Now where are you? How can you abandon me when I need you most? You are the one who taught me how to live with smiles, now come back and tell me how to live without you. Every time I see those mails I can't stop myself crying.

You know what today it's Mom-Dad's anniversary and I wished them casually early in the morning with no gift. I haven't got any gift this year because initially I didn't remember and later I didn't feel like going to market and buy a gift.

9 weeks...

May 13th, 2014
Tuesday
5:49 A.M.

'Good morning my princess ' I am really dying to receive this text from you. There are so many people who still wish me good morning with their love but none is as special as yours was used to be.

9 weeks, more than two months, more than enough time to accept the reality. How can I be so silly, keeping track of each and every passing moment. If I'll keep thinking about you like this, how will I get over you? See its so early morning and I am thinking about you. I can skip breathing but not your thoughts. I am quite amazed at my own demeanor. The girl who used to give damn to the world is now lost somewhere. These mornings, in your absence, have lost their importance. Missing our loving cozy moments like anything.

12:30 P.M.

Finally I give up on myself once again. Just 5 minutes back I was sitting in Mom's room and don't know why I started feeling so uncomfortable and tears appeared in my eyes. Mom noticed my expression changing and asked what's wrong. I said nothing. I knew she would ask more questions. I have no answers to her questions so I came back to my room and now crying for no reason.  Am I missing you? Is this because today 9 weeks have been over and the memories are haunting me? I don't know what the reason is but I am feeling broken and lonely. Why can't I behave normally like others? Being emotional is dangerous sometimes. It's deadly. My own emotions ditch me and unfortunately I am not good in faking emotions. I can't do it. When I am not happy I can't  pretend to be happy. I don't understand why these tears don't dry up and stop flowing.

Why can't I...

May 12th, 2014
Monday
6:51 A.M.

Why am I afraid to lose you, when you are not even mine...???

One more morning without you. 62 days have bygone when we had our last conversation. I didn't know this would be so difficult to live without you. We have moved apart. Things have changed. You have changed. Life has changed. Then why I still love you the same way? I don't have any answer of my own questions.

Yesterday almost all day I had tears in my eyes(right now also). I am sure you must have forgot the date. Or maybe not as you always remembered the dates related to me..to us. Its so hard to believe you can live without me. I had tears in my eyes and Sweta realised there is something troubling me. She came to me and fed me chocolate, applying it allover my face, playing chocolate holi with me. I appreciate her efforts to make me happy. She is the best sister anyone could get.

6:57 P.M.

By chance I just remembered that today three months have passed when that Love Announcement was posted on FB. Memorable moment ever. Despite of suffering with high fever I was enormously happy and as far as I know you were happy too. That post, unlimited likes, blessings, comments, huge applauding response. I was elated with joy. Whole world got to know how much we love each other.

I wish I could foresee my future at that time and could know that we would apart someday like this. That  would have saved me from all the pain I am going through now.

I am feeling frustrated right now. Little angry at myself. Why the hell I can't get over you? When I know there are no hopes left, why can't I forget you? It's really painful to remember the happy past and ruining my present with those happy memories. I feel my own emotions are playing with me. One moment I feel angry at myself, next moment I start missing you again and later I feel tears filling my eyes. Its disgusting how I am crying over you when I don't know if you even remember me or not. :'(

2 months...

May 11th, 2014
Sunday
3:54 A.M.

Time isn't flying, its crawling without you...

Today 2 months are going to complete of the storm which took you away from my life.:'( I'm missing your presence so badly. Wide awake in dark night, silently sobbing and wishing you were here to say, "My princess doesn't look while crying. " Missing you so badly. Just can't stop crying. Please come back.:'(

Why can't you see that even after two months of our drifting apart I am unable to forget you? Are you happy without me? Don't you miss me as badly as I do? What did you get by doing all this to me? I  just can't get over you. Its so difficult to stop or hide tears. I want my smiles back. You have no right to snatch my smiles. You can't do this to me. :'(

12:48 P.M.

Seeing you online and curbing the desire to text you is irresistible. I don't text you even though I am dying to talk to you. No gtalk, no kik, no gmail, no texts and I have use every bit of my will power to resist texting you. I find it so odd, we were never like this. I used to flare up in an instant before but now all I see is my wet eyes.

As I see your id showing you online my heart starts racing. So many memories associated with this id and your name. Indelible memories. Its been 2 months today but it takes a split second to bring me back to the memories of our time together. I have to force myself to not get so emotional. I cannot concentrate on anything. I feel as if I am miles away from everyone around me. I am in some different world of my own. A world where nothing matters to me except you.

I am here sitting alone in my room, working on lappy and seeing my tears falling on keys of lappy. I haven't changed the wallpaper of my lappy. Its still the same pic you sent to me in which you wrote my name in your hand. The pain in seeing the evidences of something that no longer exists except in memories is excruciating. My ashen face says it all. Anyone can figure it out how painfully I am surviving without you.

I am still trying to compose myself but the truth of all that you and I meant to be together is haunting me. For me you're still the most lovable person I ever came across in my life. No one, just no one matches you or maybe I am too obsessed with you to see others with the same point of view. I don't want to revisit the past. Its a complete torture to do so but your memories are so powerful to conquer and I am so  powerless at this instant.

I rack my brain hard to forget you and indulge myself in other things around but it never happens. You're not a part of my life anymore. I am done with it. It is the past. Everything is over. I repeat these words in my mind over and over. Yet my heart refuse to listen. There is always a combat between my mind and heart. Finally its the heart that always wins.

Two years...how quickly time ran out before we could  even realise,  it slipped out of our hands. I remember how everyone used to tell me, 'You guys are the most lucky couple and you both are going to be happy together for the rest of your lives.' I used to blush at such compliments. I was always so proud to have you in my life. I didn't ever think that one day you will walk out of my life leaving me alone.

This date sends jitter down my spine. The same date when you and I drifted apart never to be together again. Now even after two months of this incident I remember every bit of that day. How Avantika di texted that she wants to talk, how your dad told me the truth, how Avantika di tried to console me, how you talked to me and said sorry, how I kept on crying, how my all dreams shattered into pieces, how my family was shocked to see in such state, how I died at that very moment.. I remember each and every detail of that night.

Although I am not convinced with whatever story your family told me yet I had no option that time and moreover I was too broken to react.

I want to meet you right now and show you all the mails, texts, screenshots and pictures.  I want to ask you what was all that? Why the hell you did this to me? Why you made me believe you are the one for me? Why you always made me stay when I wanted to walk out? What happened to all those promises and swears you took on me and your mom? Damn how can you swear on your mom when you didn't mean it? Don't your mom matter to you? I was a stranger but your mom was close to you. How could you take false swear of your mom? Don't you have conscience?  Don't you have heart? How do you face yourself? 

Another world...

May 10, 2014
Saturday
15:37 P.M.

How funny is it the moments which once made me laugh until my stomach ached and my cheeks started paining now make me cry. We were inseparable. Ours was the love people only imagine in their dreams. The beautiful relationship which I thought would last forever or more. And one out of the blues you left me alone in this mean world. A world where smiles, relationships, love, trust, joy doesn't exist. I am all alone in this world haunted by your memories. Each and every day I convince myself that its all over and I should stop brooding over my past. Sometimes I get successful in convincing myself and other times I fail miserably.

Today Shashank planned to come over here and spend time with me. He has come to Kanpur specially to meet me. I was also okay with it till early morning. When we had conversation in early morning, I felt he was really concerned about me. That made me feel so guilty. I knew I couldn't face him and thats why on the last moment I cancelled our plan to meet up. I know he is very upset with me and for next few days or months we aren't going to talk. I have lost one of my support system in this lonely phase of my life. You, Shipra, Maa-Papa, Ashu, Aarav, Iti, Yash and now Shashank, I have lost everyone who used to be by my side in all my ups and downs.:-(

Excruciating loneliness...

May 9th, 2014
Friday
5:03 A.M.

I'll never get over you getting over me..
I'll never get over you getting over me..
I know that I should move on in my life..
But a life without you could never be right..
I'll never get over you getting over me...

This song is playing over and over in my playlist and on my mind as well. The lyrics are so touching, seems made for me. Definitely I know I should now move on in my life leaving my past and you behind. But I have no strength to take the leap once again. When you stepped into my life I took a leap of faith and tripped so badly that it still hurts so painfully. The healing is yet to begin. I want to die, but keep on living like a dead for some obnoxious reason. I keep on craving for your presence. Your thoughts fill my mind. The silence and the beauty around me has lost its meaning.

It's early morning and everyone is in deep slumber except me. I am wide awake thinking of you. I just can't let go this feeling of emptiness. The sad memories of past events don't allow my soul to rest in peace. It's totally impossible. Why can't I stop thinking about you? There is something which pulls me towards you. No matter what I start thinking about, my thoughts always end up on you.

Meditation, counseling, friends, family, music, internet, books nothing... nothing grabs my attention like before. As soon as my eyes open the first thing I do is to see your online status and even if due to network error it shows you offline, my heart stops beating. The anxiety of checking you online is always so high.

I never I would feel so alone without you. It's quite irritating Sometimes when I try to escape this lonely feeling and indulge myself in other activities but my all efforts go in vain the very moment when I think what you would have said if were here with me. At that very moment I just need you like anything.

Trivial yet significant...

May 8th, 2014
Thursday
11:21 A.M.

It's not love that hurts. What hurts more is being hurt by someone you love unconditionally.

8th may...remember this date?  The date which is perhaps trivial now but it was significant once. One of the awaited date of every month. I don't think even a single month when we didn't wish each other on this day and most of the times exactly at midnight. On those loving moments, the thought that we'll move apart someday never crossed my mind. The promises we made to live happily ever after are broken now.

It's the second month when you haven't wished me. I don't expect even that you would wish me. I am trying hard not to set false expectations anymore.

It gives me a creepy feeling when I realize I still miss you like anything. This is downright ridiculous. The memories sprint in my mind again and again. You're more like a drug to me which I need badly to survive.

How every single moment with you was so heavenly. How every moment without you has become worst than hell. When I think of days with you everything seems so perfect but as soon as I think of my present I realize I am caged in my past unable to free myself.

All in vain...

May 7th, 2014
Wednesday
9:42 A.M.

You still have the power to make me smile even when you're the reason I am sad.

Its so difficult to let go of the past, when it holds the best memories of life. No matter how hard we try to erase those memories from our mind, our heart just doesn't allow it. Some feelings are so complicated to understand.

I had had the best times of my life with you. When I see screenshots of those long gone days they really make me smile. Your cute nothings still make me smile. Our relationship had a strong foundation of love and understanding. Don't know how it crashed so easily.

As they say once a piece of thread is broken, it can never be joined without a knot. I don't completely agree with it because as I remember every time we had a fight and we moved apart, we came even more closer. In last two years I had lived a different life altogether with you. Our bond was unbreakable. I remember how everyone used to get jealous of our love. How everyone used to question me about our relationship and romance. No couple could have loved as passionately as we did. You always made feel like I was perfect even though I know I ain't. Despite of so many differences and ups and downs, I was always dedicated to you and so were you. I loved to spend every second of my life with you. I never knew things would go out of place one day. I wish I had known that you would leave me alone to die one day.:'(

My all efforts to forget you go in vain. I cannot forget you ever. It seems you have conquered my heart and mind.

8 weeks...

May 6th, 2014
Tuesday
6:23 A.M.

Before I could blink 8 weeks have bygone. I'm supposed to forget you now. I should have move on. There isn't any hope that you'll come back. I should stop day dreaming that you'll be missing me. But you know what it isn't as easy as it sounds.

As I think of that terrible evening my heart sinks and my eyes well up. It was a big shock which hit me like a tornado. I am left alone, unhappy and depressed. The words of your dad play again and again in my mind. A blatant truth made my world spined around. I have lost my race against time. Every moment seems same.

I feel trembling as I remember those lethal memories of 10/11th march 2014 and their crystal clear image in my mind. I want to erase all those memories. I am unable to comprehend what went wrong. Those cold vibes between us. I can't make out any decision. I am sitting here numbed and clueless. Why you did this to me? The very thought of it is disgusting. It send jitters down my spine. Broken, devastated, shattered, lonely, suicidal.. the feelings I never felt before. Where have those cherished moments gone when I used to hide my smile to avoid any query about why I am so happy?  Those never ending talks. Those never fading smiles. Those love filled moments. All gone now. I should have known nothing lasts forever.:'( The words of your dad and sister slid the ground beneath my foot. That was the end of everything.. my smiles, my happiness, my love and my life. Everything seems so empty and meaningless without you.

I don't know how to console my heart and make it believe that whatever happened was for real. It wasn't a dream. I wish I could tell you how I am feeling without out but I doubt you'll ever understand what a true and genuine relationship means. After you I am wary of getting close to anyone. I am scared of any kind of closeness or any relationship. I am okay with my loneliness. I am filled with a deep sense of loss. How wonderful relationship we had. Its all a past now. See once again my eyes are cheating on me. I don't want to cry but they aren't following what I want them to do.

I am missing you:'( I wish you were here to tell me that Kanyu everything gonna be okay.

And the reason is you...

May 5th, 2014
Monday
7:10 A.M.

A shudder passes through my body as I see you online. I recall the period of my life when we used to stay online only for each other. I don't know if our relationship fell apart because of the truth I came to know or not. All I know is that I am shattered and I am in no frame of mind to comprehend anything.

I think I am the only one crying out here. My tears are not only because of my helplessness in the whole matter. My tears are also for an end of a relationship that meant the world to me. My tears are for my mom's grief. My tears are also for my own lost identity.

Throughout the journey of our relationship you supported me unflinchingly. Perhaps if Iti hadn't planned it secretly and proved it publicly, things might have been different for me. Perhaps I had believed everything you said. Sometimes I wonder if all this hadn't exposed in front of whole world, I might have been with you today. Even though it's too late now to think what could have been, my thoughts find their way to you, an ugly reminder of what it would have been. Your thoughts still stir a storm inside me, though outwardly I look calm and composed.

Clumsy emotions...

May 4Th, 2014
Sunday
5:57 A.M.

"True love has it's own miraculous power..."

Opened my eyes a few minutes back. I wish I could wake you up like I always used to and sleep back after our lovey dovey moments of romance. I want to revive every single moment we spent together. But just because it's not possible now I was rereading our gtalk chat. Have a look on our last chat of gtalk on December 8th,2013. Yes our anniversary day conversation. On the same date my blog was published on newspaper. How happy we were on that day. Reading horoscopes of each other, celebrating our anniversary along with the happiness cuz my blog was published in newspaper. Certainly one of the best day we celebrated together. I want you to go through your own texts. Just check them once how jealous and angry you were on Aarav just because he called me Baby and I called him sweetheart. How furious you were telling me that you want to punch him and you don't like the way he interferes in our life knowing that we are in a relationship.

I have just read the texts we exchanged on that day. I am in utter shock. After going through the whole conversation we had I cannot believe you don't love me or there were no emotions. I seriously want you to read it once and answer me what was all that if not love. Why so much care? Why so much hatred and jealousy for Aarav? Why you wanted me to not talk about him? Why the hell you always filled with rage whenever Aarav commented on my FB/ blog or I go out with him? I want all the answers. Why you always showed that no one can love me more than you. Why you always proved yourself the best staying by my side when I wanted you to go away? Give me answers.

My life isn't a game to play with. Do you even have any clue how I am living here without you? I am not living, I am dieing here. You did it on purpose or what? I tried putting myself in your shoes and questioned myself what had I done if I were at your place. I got only one answer I had never continued it for this long. Remember when we confronted each other after all the chaos you reminded me of what happened between me and my cousin some years back. Did you forget that I closed that chapter as soon as I discovered that it could lead to some serious problem. I never lied to you. My heart was crystal clear. You made unremovable scratches all over it. What you got in return?  Are you happy now?

Over or not?

May 2nd,2014
Friday
4:02 A.M.

All night has gone in eyes. Neither I have slept nor Sweta. I am trying to introspect myself. Thinking about my friends, career, love and my relationship with you. Innumerable thoughts, countless memories and endless tears this is all left behind with me since you have gone. I am recounting my past when you're always my side, loving me, inspiring me to do best in everything I do. Today I have no dreams and hopes. I am not living, I am surviving somehow. Life is playing biased dice. When I wanted to stay alone, you entered my life and just when I wanted to be with you forever, it took you away from me. Hopes and wishes never match up to reality.

All day long I was craving to talk to you. I wanted to talk to you. For a moment I thought to call you and wish you personally but I suppressed all my thoughts as I understand this can bring problems once again and that is why I kept my cell switched off whole day. Every now and then my eyes had tears. I scold myself not to cry like this. I cringe as I realize how miserable I have become. How pitiful I sound when I say to myself,"It's all over..." It hurts. It kills. My anxiety grows manifold when my mind questions me if you too miss me the way I miss you. You have gone. My life has gone. My soul, my strength has drained away. I want you to know how much you matter to me. I know you'll never understand what I feel and what I am going through. Tears rolling down once again from my eyes. This pain is too much to endure. An instant death is always better than a painful death. I feel like dieing. I cannot withstand this pain. You gave meaning to my life. You were the most important thing in my life. My life is meaningless without you. Each and every moment I think about you takes me a step away from my own life.  As a matter of fact I know it well that nothing can bring you back. Nothing can change our fate. But my heart refuses to accept this fact. My heart will never allow me to get over you. No matter where life takes in future, you'll be the only one I love.

Fears...

May 3rd,2014
Saturday
6:28 A.M.

The very first thing Missing You. Just woke up and the first name echoing in my mind is yours. Looking at your online status on gtalk is making me more restless. I desperately want to say good morning my buddhu sweetheart but I am resisting myself as I don't want to be in any chaos once again.

Actually I'm not afraid of initiating a conversation. I'm scared about the consequences if you replied back. I will believe you again for anything you say. You are more like a weakness to me which I can't overcome. I just can't get over you.

My interview date will be announced soon. I am so much worried this time. I am not prepared for it at all. I am not studying. I don't want to screw it up but I am very nervous. I wish it gets postpone for some days until I regain my composure.

You know what I read all the mails of 2nd May,2013, yesterday and they were really filled with so much love and emotions. You must be having all those, read them once again. I can bet you'll cry the same way I was crying.

I am unable to figure out how everything turned so ugly. How smooth and frictionless our life was. How thorns are laid on our smooth lane of life? My world came smashing down in a fraction of moment. I feel worse every time I think how easily you said "Sorry" and let it all over. The words are still echoing in my head. Just one thought is running in my mind and heart, how could you do this to me? All I can think of is you. All I know is you. All that matters to me is you. I want to relive those beautiful moments one more time. The moments I have preserved in my heart like a precious treasure. My moments, our moments. All gone now to never come back. Why didn't I realize you'll bring me heartache one day? I should've known.

Happy Birthday To You...

May1st,2014
Thursday
3:27 A.M.

Happy Birthday To You. May God shower his best blessings on you.

Last year on the same date I had made a collage with personalized message to wish you and wished you at midnight itself. This year also I have wished you but I know my wish doesn't matter. I just read the mail you had sent me on your birthday as we weren't talking to each other. One of the longest mail you ever wrote to me. Your dad had operation on the same day and it went fine. Last year you wanted me to come back to you anyhow and today you haven't even replied my mail. I really don't want you to reply even. I cannot take any chance once again. Your any reply will make me more weak. I am trying hard to get over you. But the fact is it hurts.

The moment I read that mail I was teary eyed(I am still the same). How things have changed? You could not live without me even for a day and now its been 7 weeks and you haven't even tried to know if I am alive or dead. Ironical. Was all that love and care was fake? I know it wasn't. I can't ever be. I cannot accept it.

I am sure you would be enjoying this day with your family. Celebrating Akshay Tritiya alongwith your birthday. So much lucky. Didn't you think about me? I know you very well, you must be thinking about me too but now none of us has enough courage to confront each other. It isn't easy now. The circumstances in which we've drifted apart haven't left any way to return to the same path. I wish our paths never cross again in future too. Although you are all I want at this moment yet deep inside my heart I know it's not worth it now.