New Day With Old Memories...

15-March-2014
Saturday
6:30 A.M.

A new day has started. 96 hours have passed. Everything is going on as it was but I am still waiting some miracle to happen, someone to say "Kanya it was all a bad dream. Get up it's all over. Everything is fine as it was. Cheer up!!" I'm expecting something which won't happen, which can't happen, it's impossible. I'm losing myself with every passing day. Everything around me has ceased.

Yesterday Shipra and Navya came to see me. I know Sweta must have called them to come here. They were shocked to see my condition. Messy hair, messy clothes, messy room and Me sitting in a corner of bed crying silently. She came and hugged me and I cried bitterly. I couldn't look at her, couldn't meet eyes with her it makes me feel broken. She tried to console me, to make me understand that I should not cry instead I should take it as a lesson and move on. I could not speak anything. I was listening to everyone crying silently. She wanted to talk to you but I didn't allow her. She tried everything to cheer me up and somehow I really stopped crying but as she was gone I was again in same condition.

My mom is thinking me to take to some counsellor as she thinks otherwise I'll dig a hole of depression and will go deeper into it as the time will pass. I didn't say anything. I don't know what to say. I don't know if a counsellor can really help me to come out of this pain but maybe she is rights in her way. She's concerned.

One more night passed and I could not sleep in peace. I can feel your presence around me. Last night when I was sleeping I felt you're holding my hand and saying, "Kanyu baby I am with you don't worry." I pushed my hand away and my eyes got open. I realized it was all a dream. You're nowhere. My heart was beating Faster . I was unable to understand what's going on with me. It never happened before. I had tears in my eyes thinking why it didn't happen in real. Why you're not here to say this in real? I have no answers. I cried whole night. To whom I should share all this?

When you're with me I never cared about anyone. I left everyone. I forgot there is a life beyond you too. You're my life. You're my world. Now when you're not around. I feel all alone. Dejected. Depressed. Lonely . It's killing me inside.

I feel difficulty in breathing. I can't breath. I am feeling a strange pain inside me. I clutch cushions tighter and try to breath and collapse. For few moments I feel I'll die. I take deep breaths and try to survive. I never knew I'll become like this.

Since starting you always knew I'm not a strong person. I break down so easily. But you became my strength. Whenever I felt low and broken you always supported me. You gave me strength and courage to face any challenge. You praised me when I did something good. You gave me advice when I was in any dilemma. Now why aren't you here when I am all shattered? Why aren't you telling me "Kanyu baby I'm with you. Everything will be alright. "? I want you more than I want myself. You knew I could never face this truth. I'll be broken. I'll be shattered. Why did you came close to me when you knew you'll leave me one day?

You always said you know me more than I know myself. You understood my mood swings. You knew how to handle my mood swings. You knew how to make me smile. You were my smile.  Everytime I got angry you managed to make my mood. You never let me cry alone. Whenever we went apart we cried together. Now where  are you? I need you. I want my smile back. I want my happiness back. I know it's not possible but my heart and mind aren't believing the harsh reality.

How to make myself understand that the life I was living was only an illusion? There was not even a bit reality. Everything around me was an imagination. The love, the care, the fights, the break ups, the patch ups, the moments, the mischiefs, the smiles everything was fake.