3 weeks...

1-April-2014
Tuesday
6:24 A.M.

'Loving you was easy, losing you was hard. Loving you is still easy but knowing that you're no longer mine is hardest of all.'

Taking the first step towards a new  relationship always seems so difficult but once the first step is taken there is no point in looking back. I was never an easy going girl who would fall for a random guy or trust someone so easily but it happened so smoothly that I never realized. Strangers to acquaintance, acquaintance to friend, friend to more than a friend and slowly you became my life. When I took one step after another I don't know. It was all so magical as if I was in dream. Those unending smiles, blushes, happiness, sweet nothings... damn how can I forget anything? Its impossible for me.

Two long years... I wish I could turn back time and change everything. I wish we had never met. I wish I had never let you come close to my heart. Ironically nothing can be changed now.

Complete 3 weeks have gone by today. I am feeling the same as I was feeling on that day. The words uncle said to me still echo in my ears. The things Avantika di told me are still in my mind. The way you said sorry, I can never forget. In just few minutes my world turned upside down and I could do nothing. A part of me died at that very moment.

Not only I lost someone I loved so much but also my trust was broken, my dreams were shattered, my all hopes died. Somewhere deep inside my soul I knew sooner or later we will part our ways but it'll happen so drastically I never thought. A reality I still can't believe. I don't know why but I feel there was something I am still unaware of. The part of story I was told maybe true but I'm sure there is something I don't know till now.

I can never believe that it just happened and you couldn't stop. In two years you've known me more than I know myself but even I know you too.

Void..

31-March-2014
Monday
6:23 A.M.

Life is what we make it... Or I should say my life is what you made it. It's hell. No hopes, no dreams, no happiness. Every dark night ends with a bright sunshine ray. I am waiting for that ray to end the darkness of my life. Three weeks have gone by now. Is anything changed? No.. I still miss you the same way. I still cry. I still miss every little thing we used to share. I miss my own smile.

I feel a void within me. I had never imagined all this will affect me so much. We  used to fight, we stayed away ... sometimes for hours and sometimes for days too but there was always a hope that we'll be together. Those smiley fights, those . . . . (Dots) chats during fights, those I love you, I love you more, I love you even more, I love you more and more fights, those stupid chats... I miss them all. Every single bit of it. I try hard not to cry, not to be sad, not to be so silent but at some or other point my all efforts go in vein.

It feels so awkward when people are around me, talking to me and I can't pay attention to  what they are saying to me. My eyes well up for no reason and I don't get how to hide my tears. I don't know how to handle all this.

Memories...

30-March-2014
Sunday
6:22 A.M.

"Tears are the silent language of pain."

Why is it so difficult to put feelings into words? My eyes well up when I miss you. They let me realize I can't forget the moments I spent with you. It's been a while but still things are not falling onto their place.

Love changes everyone. It changed me. What I was a few days back and how I am today are two different people. I have completely lost myself.

Today its Shipra's birthday. You remember last year when I was making a CD of memorable moments of her life since she was born to till now, you said it's the best gift. I was so happy because you liked this idea and she too liked the gift so much. In fact her whole family liked it so much. This year I have got an angel for her. An angel for a real angel. I hope she'll like it. I was really so much confused what to gift her. In all these 8-9 years it's the first time I wasn't able to decide anything for her. Even you're not here to help me or give any suggestions. These little moments...  I miss you in such moments like anything.

20:22 P.M 

Missing you so much:'( Not getting whom to talk, whom to tell how I am feeling. Can't stop these tears:'( How life has changed so drastically? What I was and what I have become? Ever smiling to forever sad. I can't get over you. Everyone tells me this pain will subside with time. Why don't anyone tells me when? I never thought I'll miss you like crazy. I have become so much addicted of you.

Lost happiness...

29-March-2014
Saturday
6:36 A.M.

Can the old "us" come back please?

Whenever your thought crosses my mind, my heart says this. An inevitable thought. I do every  effort to keep myself away from your thoughts but it never happens. You own my heart and my mind. Every cell of me claims to be in love with you.

There are no happiness and smiles without you. The thing that hurts me even more is that you don't even care.

Yesterday almost after one & half month I dared to write my blog. It's really difficult to do the things now. I always wanted you to be the first one to read my every post and give your reviews. I don't know this time you've read it or not. You already knew about this story. I hope you would like  it as you liked the previous ones.

Times like this make me miss you so much. I started this blog for you. No matter where I go in my life or what I do I can never forget you. You were my real strength. You always encouraged me to do the things I was afraid to think about.

There isn't a single moment or a single thing which doesn't make me think about you. Sometimes I feel so much stupid doing all this. How can someone rule my life like this? But you're doing it. Isn't it wrong?

Standstill..

28-March-2014
Friday
6:37 A.M.

"Relationship lies in the hands of one who cares less."

Once I read this statement somewhere and I really believed on it. I was always so careless and you were so concerned. But nothing remains same. Today you seem to forget everything and I'm missing everything.

Yesterday I was shuffling through the novels, by chance I got one of our favorite "She broke up...." While I was turning the pages I saw the poem "Only if I'd known... " You remember this poem? This was the same poem you had put on your DP and send a pic of this to me when I was angry with you. I couldn't read beyond 3-4 lines. It reminded me of the days when I used to say "You're super unromantic. Learn something from Durjoy." I never said it because you were unromantic, I used to say it because you felt jealous of him and I loved it.

I went to join classes last evening and it was terrible. Everything was same..same class, same teaching staff, same friends but I was feeling so restless. I couldn't concentrate in class. My eyes had tears. I left class in midway and came back to home. Nobody was there to say "Kanyu jana jaruri hai?" Or "Meri baby ka dhyan rakhna." When I came back you were not there to say "Missed you sho much my baby." I don't know how will I study. Books, classes, timing to go and come back everything makes me miss you like anything. How am I supposed to study when only you're on my mind?

Time is passing but things are not getting any better. I can't take my mind off from you. I try every way to distract myself but no way seems to work. 2 years...2 long years we spent together. We were like two bodies and one soul. You could read my mind. You could feel what I was feeling. You were always around me like a shadow. We were inseparable. We faced so many obstacles too and still stayed together because you wanted to with me, because you knew I may pretend I can live without you but the ultimate truth is I can't.

No way to escape...

27-March-2014
Thursday
6:45 A.M.

Missing you hurts so much..Don't know if I want to stay awake or fall asleep... If I want to escape my thoughts or escape my dreams.

Another day, another morning and another day to miss you. You're my first thought of morning ray. I open my eyes and think above you. You're my last dream of slumber. I close my eyes and you enter into my dreams. Neither I can stay awake nor I can sleep back. I really don't know what I want to. Missing you is the worst thing. Moreover I didn't know I could miss someone like this.

How easy is it to say "Move on" and how tough is to actually follow it? I have seen people moving apart. I have seen how much Harsh loved Mauli and Mauli too loved Harsh but they couldn't get together. Life played games with them too but they've moved on in their lives. Yes they do miss each other but with no regrets they have accepted it. I have no idea how? It's getting impossible for me to move on.

Yesterday Ankit came to meet me. In last 3 years he had never seen me like this. The chirpy girl who used to shout all day on others not even speaking to anyone. Pretty much like a shock for him. We always used to do masti, hit and tease each other but this time I wasn't even feeling like talking to him. Anyways he came for reason. He wanted me to join classes once again. It's been 18 days I've not gone there. I really don't want to go anywhere but somehow he and others convinced me to join classes from today. I still have doubt if I'll really go.

My life has ceased. It's not moving ahead. The day which I used to think is too less for us is now too long to pass. I remember how hours used to pass like seconds when we were together and now seconds seem like hours.

A Melange Of Memories...

26-March-2014
Wednesday
7:02 A.M.

The love you can't have usually last the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest.

Isn't it so true? We always love the things most which we can't have in our lives. The thought of being apart never came into my mind. I always had a firm belief that you'll get me back if at any point of time we moved apart. How wrong I was! Why  didn't I  ever realize everything was just a dream?

I miss each and every moment spent with you.
* I miss our 24*7 chats which used to keep me busy and 24 hours seemed too less in a day.

*I miss your pampering. The way you used to pamper me throughout the day.

*I miss the way you used to say "Kanyu is only my baby."

*I miss u when I wake up in the morning and there is no text from you saying "Good morning my baby princess. "

*I miss you in the night when no one says "Neeni ayi hai meli baby ko. Baby eyes close klo. I'm with you."

*I miss you when I wake up in midnight and there is no one to whom I can say "story sunao." I can't wake you up now just because I can't sleep and say "Maine ni uthaya tumhe. Neeni karne do."

*I miss our silly, stupid, kiddish talks which made me(us) laugh until my  stomach aches.

*I miss when I walk down the stairs and realize now you're not there to say "Kanyu tum na dhyan se chala karo. Text ka reply baad me karna."

*I miss you when nobody reminds me about my meals after every few minutes and say "baby inni dieting kyu karti ho aap?"

*I miss you during the rain when we used to spend our time texting each other and it felt like we're together in real.

*There was no single day when I didn't eat ice cream. I can't eat ice cream now. I miss how you used to say "Baby ice clm ni khao."

*I miss you when I hear songs. Every song makes me miss you even more. "Tu hi meri saari zameen, chahe kahi se chalu, tujhpe hi aakar ruku." I can never hear it again. It reminds me whenever I got angry and say "Go away. I don't want to talk to you." You always used to write this song for me that made me smile no matter how angry I was.

* I cannot turn back the pages of my diary. Every page is inked with your memories. Memories of our love, the fights, the break ups, the patch ups, the promises, the month anniversaries, the birthdays, the surprises. Everything about us.

Every memory of you breaks me into pieces. Its been two weeks and I don't remember a single day when I didn't cry for you. Everything was so good. Why all this had to happen? There were days when I couldn't stop smiling and now I can't stop crying. I don't remember the day and time when I slept calmly. I just can't sleep. Everytime I try to sleep your thoughts blow my mind off. Your words keep ringing in my head. I feel sick choking on my own tears.

Million words cannot bring you back, I know because I tried,
Not even million tears can bring you back, I know because I cried.

Time has come to a standstill. Every second seems like hours. Every breath seems torturous. I close my eyes and hope when I will open them, it will be gone like a bad dream. I try to console myself but nothing works. Your sheer presence could lit my life. Now it's all darkness. The pain is getting harder to live with.

You'll never understand how much I wish you have something to text me for: that you miss me or maybe you're sorry for whatever happened. Something!  Anything! I miss you more and more with every passing moment. I lost count of times I break into tears. This pain is killing me bit by bit. I wish to die once and for all than to die every moment.

2 weeks...

25-March-2014
Tuesday
6:36 A.M.

Complete 15 days has gone today. It seems like it happened yesterday. I close my eyes and can feel everything as it is. The moments when we moved apart. The love of two years vanished in two minutes. Unbelievable. Isn't it?

I have gone through many rough phases in my life but this phase is toughest. Everyday I count the days, hours, minutes and seconds. Nothing makes me feel happy anymore. The things that I used to love before I don't even want to look at them now.

It's raining since last night. Black clouds, lightening, cool breeze of air and the shower of rain falling on me. Sitting beside the window I was looking at the rain. I missed your presence with every drop. We both always loved rain like anything. Now I don't loved it anymore because it makes me miss you even more.

I wish there was any way to pick up and dump them in some deep pit, from where they cannot come back. No matter how much I try to stay strong these memories just don't let me.

Yesterday (24-03-14), it was the birthday of Shashank and he called me on his own birthday. I wished him but he knew from my voice that I'm still unmoved. Just after few minutes of conversation I broke down into tears and he was consoling me. He wants me to forget everything but it's not as easy as he thinks. Two weeks have gone by today and still one thought of yours brings tears in my eyes.

I have seen people breaking up and moving on but with me it's not happening. Maybe because it's not break up.. I'm broken up.

Rain...

24-March -2014
Monday
6:37 A.M.

Tiny droplets of water pouring on the Earth quenching it's thirst. The chilled air, the birds soaring in the sky and wetting themselves in the rain. Water droplets dropping from the tree leaves. Doesn't everything sound so perfect?  Yes, it really is. Or should I say it was.

As I woke up and opened my eyes I found it's raining outside and the first name echoed in my mind is your. Remember how much we used to love rain. Always wanted to be together in such weather. Not letting go any of us even for a second. Now it's raining not just from sky but from my eyes too. How did you forget everything so easily?  I can't forget anything till my last breath. The love, the promises, the moments we shared I can't forget anything.

You're my first thought of morning and last dream of night. No matter how much I try to keep myself busy you never go away from my mind. I feel strange churning in my bowels everytime I think about you. My heart shrinks when I miss you. A mere thought of reminding myself you're nomore in my life brings tears in my eyes. Almost 2 weeks are gone by now but nothing has changed. Nothing can change my love for you.

If accepting that someone you love is hard then accepting that you love someone you lost is harder. It kills you and you can't defend yourself. My heart still believes you cannot do this to me. It was always you who showered me with your love.

Everytime when I was sad, puzzled or in any dilemma, just a simple chat with you and my all worries are gone. Today I am battling with myself. My heart says you cannot do this to me and my mind says you already did. I don't know whom to listen. When I listened to my heart it brought me tears, pains and sufferings. Should I listen to my mind now? I feel so frustrated at times when I think of my present condition but this frustration vanishes and is replaced by depression when I think of my past. How could I love someone so madly? Specially the one who was never there. All that was happening in my life was just an illusion created by you and you trapped me in this illusion. The real agony is I am still living in that world of illusions not accepting that the bubble of illusion has burst and I have hit the ground of reality. The reality which I wish I had never known.

Only I know what I am going through. This rain is making me feel sick now. Why you made it so special in your presence that I hate it now in your absence? Why don't you answer my questions? Why don't you come back and say "Kanyu it was all a nightmare. Wake up it's over now." ? I so desperately want you to bring my smiles back. Please come back. :'(

Ceased..

23-March-2014
Sunday
6:42 A.M.

Sunday.. the most awaited day of the week. A day when we used to spend most of our time together laughing out hard. After the hectic schedule of week a day to relax and to be with you. How should I not remember you when everything single thing is linked with you?

Just a single thought of your and my eyes well up. Why did you left me alone here to combat with this emotional turmoil? Every next moment I die a new death knowing that you'll never comes back. This pain is unbearable. Why I have to feel it for no mistake of mine? Streaming tears have replaced the lovely smile. You have changed me and my life.

Yesterday it was Rangpanchmi, here in Kanpur. Everyone was busy in playing colours and filling their lives with colours. I could just see them happily enjoying the festival. I remember last year on the same fest we were playing the songs game when I was in kitchen, hiding my smile because of your sweet and funny views on songs. This year I was sitting back in my room watching people and missing my own past.

Past is surely a good place to visit but not a good place to stay. I'm living in my present but my heart is in past. Missing and remembering the sweet memories we made then.

In those days 24 hours were too less too cherish the love and now even one hour is too long to pass. We never knew how day passed and we used to say time to stop. I really wish it was stopped then and there. I want my smiles back. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel broken and shattered. You did everything for me. Can't you bring back those moments  for me? You never wanted me to cry for any reason then why you did this to me? Doesn't it hurts you too? Don't you feel the same pain? Don't you miss the times when we were together? I don't know what was it for you...maybe just a game which you couldn't stop to play but for me it's my life and you have ruined it.

I know nothing can be same as before. Somethings in life come with no second chance, love is at the top of that list. It's never going to come back. I can only cry over those moments. The moments when you couldn't live without me. The time when you anyhow managed to bring my smiles back. How can you forget everything so easily?  How can you be so heartless?  I can't forget anything. I can't move on. Its killing me. I don't know how to come out of this trauma.:'(

Extinguishing flame...

22-March-2014
Saturday
6:57 A.M.

'We've no time to stand and stare..." Famous words of poet William Wordsworth. I'm sure when he wrote these words he never knew how hard it is to move on once you fall in love with someone deeply. I no longer believe in such words. I'm here on the same point where we parted our ways. Unable to absorb how things changed in a fraction of time.

Moments to hours, hours to day, day to weeks, weeks to month and months to years... time never stops for anyone. We may not realize but people change like the seasons. Change is the only constant thing in nature.

No matter how glowing the flame is at the start one day it extinguishes and die out. Same happened with my life too. Everything was so very enchanting in the start and I thought it'll last long ever after. Not even for a moment I realized it won't.

Life is what we make it but for me you changed it. You changed me. I never thought I'll be likely this...devasted. Every morning the first thought in my mind is yours. The moment I get tired and close my eyes only you're in my thoughts.

Sleepless Nights...

H21St-March-2014
Friday
6:37 A.M.

The days are passing and life is moving ahead. Everyday a new morning with the new hopes for everyone but I'm sitting here thinking of you. Not even a single moment passes when you're not in my mind. I can't think beyond you. It makes me feel vulnerable. How one person can change life like this? Isn't it weird?

Time is moving like the waves of flowing water taking everything flow away which come in its course. I don't know why I'm not moving on. I'm still into tears thinking of you. Tears making way to escape from the hues.

Yesterday Shipra came to see me if I had become any better and for her yes I have as I didn't cry before her. She thinks I was a fool that I trusted  you blindly. Shashank also thinks the same. They all never wanted me to be with you but I never paid any heed to what they said. Now I realize I did blunder.

10 days have gone of this incident. For everyone now it's an old story. But only I know for me it's as fresh as a morning dew drop. I haven't forget even a single thing. The morning wishes to good night stories. I remember them all. My life has ceased.

Yesterday(20th March), it was Lovie-Dovie's first birthday. I was walking down the memory lanes. We had fight one day before for some reason and you were trying to make up my mood when I got the news that Sweta is bringing a surprise for me. This surprise was Lovie-Dovie, the cutest bunnies I ever saw and suddenly I was so happy. Shipra, Anushriya, Vernika, Sweta, Navya and Me, we all celebrated all day long and even you were so happy to see their pics. It was such a lovely surprise. Now one year has passed and see today everything has changed. There is no happiness. When Mom said that she wants to give Lovie-Dovie to someone I simply refused because I always considered them lucky for both of us.

You know a weird thing? In these days since I am gloomy and crying even they've changed a lot. They don't run allover the home. They don't do mischiefs.  I can see all this but I can't help it. Maybe they are just pets but I know they can feel that things aren't going on well at home.

I have lost my sleep. Whenever I try to sleep I get to sleep only for few minutes and again my sleep breaks. Sometimes I feel so restless that it becomes difficult for me to breath. I try to divert my mind in different aspects of life but it never happens. No matter what I start thinking about my all thoughts end up on you. I miss you like hell.

I don't understand why such things are happening with me. I used to write for you and now I'm writing about you. My inspiration has lost. I miss everything about you...about us.

Parting ways...

20-March-2014
Thursday
6:41 A.M.

Good morning!! Is there anything good about morning? Actually no..there is not. Missing you so much. Feeling very alone. Don't know whom to talk and tell about how I'm feeling. No words can express my feelings and emotions in real.

Things are changing. Yesterday I didn't cry that much as I used to be. I was little relaxed. But that doesn't mean I've forgot about you or the things associated to you. Only difference is that now I am trying not to show how deeply I am hurt.

I wonder how your life is going without me. Don't you miss the morning laced with smiles and love? Actually I miss it like anything. Yes people still wish me good morning but the way we used to start our day has lost. I miss all those beautiful moments so much.

I always believed you're more sensitive than me. If someday for any reason if our ways parted you'll be more hurt but now I am realizing how wrong I was. All the love and care was fake. The feelings were fake. How could you play such games with me and my life?

You've always known me more than I know about myself. My mood, my habits, my choices, my feelings and everything about me. You better knew if you ever gone from my life my life will be over still you did it. I always tried to stay away from you. Did every effort to escort from this relationship but nothing worked because you always made me come back.

There was an invisible bond which always pulled me closer to you no matter how many times I tried to walk out of your life. You never let it happen. I don't know why you did it. Didn't you ever realize the way we're moving close it's not good? Umpteen times I told you I won't be able to survive if you left me alone and to my surprise you actually never left me alone.

Past haunts...

19-March-2014
Wednesday
6:41 A.M.

Just opened my eyes to the world. A world which is full of enchanting creations. Everything so bright and beautiful. I can see the azure sky through my window. Birds soaring in the sky and chirping as if welcoming to the new dawn with music. These things can bring a new hope in any being but why not in me? Why instead of a smile on my face i have water in my eyes? What's wrong with me?

I am not happy. These things don't appeal me now. I'm lost in the world of my own thoughts and every thought is of you. The thoughts of our good times and the bad times. The thoughts of our love and fights. The thoughts of our being together and getting apart. How everything changed?

From the very day we've moved apart nothing is fine. The things are getting worse to worst. Yesterday I had quarrel with dad. No actually not quarrel because only he spoke and I remained quite. I had nothing to say.
In last so many years it was the first time, as I remember, when dad talked to me like this. He doesn't want me to remain silent and stay in my room all the time. He wanted to know the reason behind my change. He wanted to know why I am always lost in books or my cellphone. I didn't say anything or I should say I had no words to express my feelings. I was silent. I didn't reply him for anything and he left. I was left alone here to cry.

The girl who was always so full of life, shouting, fighting, laughing and running all over the home making it alive has stopped talking. Yes it's a big issue for them. They think I am brooding over a trivial issue. They can never understand that I am not that strong who forgets everything so easily as if nothing had happened. For me it's not easy to forget what happened in my life.

I don't know how people move on so easily. How they forget their past and move ahead? It's not happening with me. I am getting weaker day by day. Everytime I try to move ahead your memories drag me back to the past. It's not that I don't try to stay strong but it seems my every effort goes futile. I can't forget anything about us.

6:43 P.M.

18-March-2014
Tuesday
6:43 P.M.

10-March-2014, Tuesday, 6:43 P.M., yes it's the date and time when Avantika di called me and Uncle( your dad) broke the bubble of my dreams in a fraction of second telling me the reality of my so called love. The moment when I felt as if the ground my feet has shaken. The truth that hit me so brutally. A pain that entered my soul piercing it's every bit and breaking my heart into uncountable pieces. How can I forget everything?

I was crying that very moment and I am crying right now too. It was maybe a game for you which ended but for me it has taken away my life. A complete week has gone. I am sure everyone there must have forgotten whatever happened with me. You may be busy with the celebrations of Holi enjoying it with your family. Do you have any idea what I am going through here?

I'm missing the love of my life every moment. I'm crying here thinking of the moments we shared. Still unable to believe it's true. I have lost my love, my life, my trust.

It feels as if my life was a stack of cards, you entered into my life as a storm and destroyed it.

1 week...

18Th-March-2014
Tuesday
6:34 A.M.

Life is unpredictable we all know but sometimes its brutal. It's like a coin. Two faced. We can't see both faces at the same time. Either heads or tails. A simple heads or tails can give life a new turn. It can make you win or lose but in my case, heads or tails, both ways I lose.

I'm going through the phase of life where I have no choice left. I can't take a step ahead. I can't step back. I am watching everything going under the change but my life has gone still. 7 days have passed and I can hardly see any change in myself. I'm still crying. I've still not forget anything. I'm still hoping against hope. I'm still waiting some miracle to happen. Is this called life?

You entered in my life like a silent storm. I didn't realize storms come only to destroy lives and that's what you did. You destroyed my life. You broke my dreams. You left me devastated. I'm here crying over the shattered pieces of my heart. Unable to gather them and join once again.

Yesterday it was Holi. The festival of colours. Everyone around me was happy, celebrating, enjoying the aura of colours. But I didn't even a bit. You have taken the colours of my life. The color of happiness, joy, smile, sadness, anger and the color of love. Last year we're together on this auspicious fest enjoying it together. Smiling, laughing, making fun of others and with so much love.

Nobody played Holi here. We never play even but this time it's different. There is a strange sadness in everything. I'm not talking to anyone. I keep my cellphone off. I don't want to talk to anyone. Guests are coming and going. My mom thinks I'm not looking presentable even on festival because I don't care now how I'm looking. It doesn't matter to me.

We went to visit my cousin's home last night. I really didn't want to go but I couldn't say no to dad. I was sitting with dad. He tried to initiate conversation with me but I really couldn't reply him much other than some one syllable answers "haan" "nahi" "ok" or sometimes only nodding or replying with expressions. He knows I'm not well. There is something big has happened in my life which has changed me. Yes he is right. My life has lost. I didn't enjoy even a bit there. So many people, the sounds, the people around me talking to each other, the celebrations, the happiness.. all this kills me. Among so many people I was feeling so alone. Sometimes faking a smile, masking the pain, replying to the point,  and sitting with so many people. I was feeling suffocating. I wanted to leave right then and cry. That's what gives me some relief.

These memories are the worst part of life. The memories of happy times always make us cry. I miss I used to laugh like maniac on our stupid talks and now those memories are making me cry. Every morning starts with tears. Every night ends with tears. In between these I crave for my lost moments. I don't know how much time its going to take to wash them out from my brain.

120 hours of loneliness..

16-March-2014
Sunday
6:45 AM

Days are passing moment by moment. The sun has arisen in the horizon once again spreading its rays to brighten the world. I can see the rays scattering into the sky and vanishing the darkness of world. I am sitting by the window in my bed and thinking is it really a new morning? For Me...No it's not. It's just one another day when I have to live with your memories and die once again. My eyes are still wet. I still miss your good morning text embedded with your love. I am missing the unending smile on my face. Tears are making way from my eyes to escape just like all the happiness escaped from my life. I am missing you badly.

My heart still wants you to come back and say "Kanyu is only my baby." I want you to shout "Kanyuuuuuuu". Now I won't say, "Sshhh don't shout." I again want to do all the mischiefs I used to do to make us laugh uncontrollably and remind it all day. Why have you gone?

Yesterday Shipra called me and said me to go temple together but I refused saying I have no faith in God now. I won't do any worship or any prayer. The prayers I did are still unanswered. I don't have anything to ask for. I have lost my life. What should I ask for now? I was crying all the while answering her and she was trying to calm me down.

Shashank came to me yesterday. The moment he entered my room I hugged him very tightly and cried. He was holding me and wiping my tears telling me stop and forget everything. Why everyone thinks it's so easy for me? I was only crying. He was holding me tighter trying to ensure me everything gonna be alright but only I know nothing is going to be alright ever.

Somehow he made me stop crying and fed me a biscuit after one and half day. He even cracked some silly jokes in front of mom to make me smile which I didn't listen even.

After 3 days he was the one who managed to make me step out of home. He wanted me to go out. I changed into a casual jeans top and hairs left open. Didn't even see how I am looking. We went out. All the way my eyes were closed and I was holding him. Not speaking a single word. I opened my eyes only when he stopped at CCD(VIP Road). One of our favorite spot ever.

He ordered my favorite cold coffee with ice cream and baby chocolate sauce. I used to love it a lot. The ambience was same where we used to gossip about the whole world, our love lives, our career, our future plans but today I was struggling to speak. He wanted me to open up and pour my heart but all I was doing is to listen him. I hardly spoke to him.

The crowd around me was jubilant. Couples sitting together holding hands. Some people busy discussing about the coming elections. My best friend sitting with me trying to cheer me up by telling how beautiful the next table girl is looking. Comparing me with other girls telling me how beautiful hairs I have and how others get jealous of me.

His words meant nothing to me. I was remembering everytime we had a fight we used to say it happens because others are jealous of us. I was wondering what has happened this time? Who is jealous of us? I was thinking everytime we were happy together we used to say, "Nazar utar lo kahi kuch wrong na jaye."

New Day With Old Memories...

15-March-2014
Saturday
6:30 A.M.

A new day has started. 96 hours have passed. Everything is going on as it was but I am still waiting some miracle to happen, someone to say "Kanya it was all a bad dream. Get up it's all over. Everything is fine as it was. Cheer up!!" I'm expecting something which won't happen, which can't happen, it's impossible. I'm losing myself with every passing day. Everything around me has ceased.

Yesterday Shipra and Navya came to see me. I know Sweta must have called them to come here. They were shocked to see my condition. Messy hair, messy clothes, messy room and Me sitting in a corner of bed crying silently. She came and hugged me and I cried bitterly. I couldn't look at her, couldn't meet eyes with her it makes me feel broken. She tried to console me, to make me understand that I should not cry instead I should take it as a lesson and move on. I could not speak anything. I was listening to everyone crying silently. She wanted to talk to you but I didn't allow her. She tried everything to cheer me up and somehow I really stopped crying but as she was gone I was again in same condition.

My mom is thinking me to take to some counsellor as she thinks otherwise I'll dig a hole of depression and will go deeper into it as the time will pass. I didn't say anything. I don't know what to say. I don't know if a counsellor can really help me to come out of this pain but maybe she is rights in her way. She's concerned.

One more night passed and I could not sleep in peace. I can feel your presence around me. Last night when I was sleeping I felt you're holding my hand and saying, "Kanyu baby I am with you don't worry." I pushed my hand away and my eyes got open. I realized it was all a dream. You're nowhere. My heart was beating Faster . I was unable to understand what's going on with me. It never happened before. I had tears in my eyes thinking why it didn't happen in real. Why you're not here to say this in real? I have no answers. I cried whole night. To whom I should share all this?

When you're with me I never cared about anyone. I left everyone. I forgot there is a life beyond you too. You're my life. You're my world. Now when you're not around. I feel all alone. Dejected. Depressed. Lonely . It's killing me inside.

I feel difficulty in breathing. I can't breath. I am feeling a strange pain inside me. I clutch cushions tighter and try to breath and collapse. For few moments I feel I'll die. I take deep breaths and try to survive. I never knew I'll become like this.

Since starting you always knew I'm not a strong person. I break down so easily. But you became my strength. Whenever I felt low and broken you always supported me. You gave me strength and courage to face any challenge. You praised me when I did something good. You gave me advice when I was in any dilemma. Now why aren't you here when I am all shattered? Why aren't you telling me "Kanyu baby I'm with you. Everything will be alright. "? I want you more than I want myself. You knew I could never face this truth. I'll be broken. I'll be shattered. Why did you came close to me when you knew you'll leave me one day?

You always said you know me more than I know myself. You understood my mood swings. You knew how to handle my mood swings. You knew how to make me smile. You were my smile.  Everytime I got angry you managed to make my mood. You never let me cry alone. Whenever we went apart we cried together. Now where  are you? I need you. I want my smile back. I want my happiness back. I know it's not possible but my heart and mind aren't believing the harsh reality.

How to make myself understand that the life I was living was only an illusion? There was not even a bit reality. Everything around me was an imagination. The love, the care, the fights, the break ups, the patch ups, the moments, the mischiefs, the smiles everything was fake.

One More Day Without You...

14-March-2014
Friday
8:58 A.M.

One more day passed without you and one more day I died a little. Tears in my eyes still haven't dried. My heart still doesn't believe you're not with me.

Yesterday night dad asked me "Kya hua betu? Tabiyat achi nhi hai kya?" My voice got choked. I meekly replied "Theek hai." I came running back to my room with tears in my eyes and started crying once again. He could easily sense there is something terribly wrong is going on in my life. He didn't come after me but since then he isn't speaking much to anyone.

The atmosphere of my home has totally changed as if someone has died here. Nobody talks much to anyone. No music. There is an eerie silence just like someone's death. Yes their daughter is dead. She has become a dead body now. Numb. She can feel nothing. Only tears flow from her eyes.

My mom asks me to come and sit with her in her room and when I don't get up she herself comes and sits beside me. We don't speak with each other. She just accompany me. She steals glances to check if I am still crying and pretends she was looking for something else.

Mumma is cooking everything of my choice so that atleast I eat something but I don't feel hungry. Sweta comes and feeds me herself. I keep on crying saying I don't want to eat but still she feeds me forcefully as much as she can.

Today morning Mom said me to take shower and brush my hair because from past two days I haven't brushed my hair. I don't care how I am looking. I somehow managed to go and take shower but there too I was sobbing. Mom maybe heard me crying and she called my name to check if i am fine. I just said yes in crying voice.

When I came out from shower sweta hugged me tightly telling me everything will be fine. I hugged her and cried and still crying.

Remember you always wanted me to not to go in evening so that we can spend some more time together. Now I have stopped going but you're not there with me. All I have is loneliness.

Mom has suggested me to forget everything and concentrate on God but I can't concentrate on anything. My mind is occupied with your thoughts and your memories.Everytime  I used to pray I prayed for us and now I have lost all faith in God. How could he did this to me? Why so big punishment to me?

Yesterday when Avantika di called in night. I could only hear her words but could not speak. Words seem failed to escape my lips and I disconnected the call. I know I was wrong. She was trying to console me but what to do I am broken. I am sorry for what I did to her.

It's not that we never stopped talking before but then I knew we'll get back together anyhow. I knew you'll get me back. I knew we are meant to be together but i never knew it was all an illusion.

I am still unable to understand why I am getting this punishment. Where was my mistake?  I never did anything wrong to anyone then why me? I need an explanation to know why you did this to me? Why you left me to die? Why?

Lost you..Lost myself

In  just 3 days my world has crashed down in my feet. I don't know what to do? I can't go back, i can't move ahead, all i can do is to see my world crashing in front of my eyes and shed tears.

The sun still rises, the wind still blows same, the birds chirp in their usual way..Nothing has changed but I am not the same. Now I don't wake up with smile. My eyes are always wet.
Now no one wakes me up shouting my name.. I wake up with tears in my eyes.

I can see my mom crying silently because i am crying.

I avoid going in front of dad because he can read my face that there is something wrong.

I can't meet eyes with anyone, I start crying profusely.

I can't eat anything because now no one forces me to eat saying "Baby inni dieting ni karte." Sweta is feeding me every bite with her swear and still I hardly eat 3-4 bites.

I can't sleep in night because no one is there to tell me silly good night stories and even if I sleep I feel you calling my name but when I open my eyes I find its only my imagination.

I can't hear songs because every song reminds me of you.

I can't breath. It feels as if I am punishing myself every moment .

Everyone is telling me to forget everything and move on but how should I tell them I can't think beyond you.

I can't smile even a bit.

I can't read horoscopes because it reminds me how you used to say "my day depends on your mood."

I can't eat ice cream now because now you are not here to say "Kanyu ice clm ni khao." Kisse zid karu ab mai har choti choti baat par.

I don't like books now. I don't like balloons now. I don't like anything now. My all smiles and my all happiness has gone forever.

I don't dry my hairs on time because now you don't say "Kanyu dry your hairs otherwise you'll catch cold."

I don't know how to accept this reality. My heart isn't ready to accept the truth. How could you do this to me? Where was my mistake?  What wrong I did to you?

I can't delete the screenshots, the texts, the mails we used to save to read later and laugh on our silly talks.

Yesterday (12-03-14), early in the morning wind chime fell on bed in my feet and broken into pieces as if symbolizing that's how my heart has been broken. I was crying bitterly holding the broken pieces in my hands.

I can't hear what people around me are saying to me because I always loved you calling my name.

I have stopped going classes because I can't concentrate on studies. I only cry everytime.

I miss our 24*7 texting sharing every moment of our lives. Our late night chats, our early morning chats, looking at mobile screen waiting for your  text to flash and smile.

I miss the way you used to pamper me when I get mad at you. The way you used to make me smile in all the blues.

My heartbeats aren't normal anymore. I can feel my heart beating at an unmeasurable  speed. I don't know how to calm down. Sometimes I feel a strange pain within me and it seems I won't survive anymore.

Nobody leaves me alone in room thinking I'll do something wrong and harm myself.

Nobody knows I have nothing left to lose. I am already dead.

You were my inspiration, my strength, my everything and now I am nothing without you.

You always used to say "Meri baby rote huye achi nahi lagti hai." Why can't you see today I am crying for you.

Where are you? Why can't you see how I am going through hell? Why can't you realize its killing me inside?
I can't stop crying. I don't know how to console myself. Please come back and tell me it was only a prank or maybe a nightmare. Its not true. Please aa jao wapas or aur ek baar keh do kanya ye sab mazak tha.... please aa jao wapas. I promise mai kabhi fight nhi karungi. Kabhi gussa bhi nhi karungi. Bus tum wapas aa jao.

Whenever I had any problem you're always there to give me strength to fight but now when I need you the most you're not here. Kaise samjhau mai khud ki ab tum kabhi wapas nhi aaoge? Kaise batau khud ko ki tum kabhi the hi nhi mere paas? Kya karu mai kuch samajh me nhi aa rha mujhe. I can see sab paresan hai meri wajah se koi nhi chahta aise mujhe rote huye dekhna lekin mai kya karu, nhi samjha pa rhi mai apne aap ko. Every now and then sweta comes and wipes my tears and tells me not to cry but I can't stop crying. Mujhe nhi pata mai kaise reh paungi tumhare bina. Har baat pe tumhari yaad aati hai.

Everyone is telling me not to cry when I did no mistake. Everyone wants me to forget you and move ahead. Why don't anyone tells me how to forget the time I spent with you? How to erase your memories?  I am dying bit by bit with every passing moment. I have become a body with no feelings left. An alive dead. You’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart now I can't feel anything.