Staircase...

16-April-2014
Wednesday
6:14 A.M.

"Loneliness can be the best companion and the biggest enemy too."

I am tired of waking up with tears every morning. Sometimes I don't want to wake up at all. A deep eternal sleep is all I need at this moment. Opening eyes, finding the same gloomy atmosphere around makes me feel sick. I don't feel to open my eyes and face anyone. Nobody is talking here to anyone else. An eerie silence everywhere.

Dad won't say anything I know that. He never says until he is unable to hold his heart. Mom, I know, is sad and angry as well but she won't say anything because she knows I won't speak. Sweta isn't well and so am I. Is this the same home I used to live in? Full of smiles, loud music, shouts,  happiness all around... everything is lost. I know I am responsible for all this. Had I been fine, this would never had happened.

10:07 P.M.

One thing I have understood for sure that life will never be same for me. It's showing me the true colours of itself. Today evening at last Mom's frustation burst into words because neither I speak nor I eat and now continuously skipping classes. She didn't say directly anything to me but she was furious. I know its all because she wants me to react on anything. She came to me and questioned me about further studies and all. Sweta was also there. She also tried to know whats in my mind. I wanted to tell them that I just want to die, kill me. I simply spoke I am fine. She knew I ain't. There was a series of questions and I had no answers. Once again tears started rolling down from my eyes. This was enough for her. She wanted to talk to you and your family. Sweta gave her my cellphone to get the numbers. I was unable to say anything much so I simply took away my cellphone and went out of my room. Actually I was planning to leave the home at that very moment. I don't want to live here. Everyday the same questions.. I cannot tolerate it. I got up from my bed crying and barefooted I walked downstairs. Don't know how she felt that maybe I will go out and won't come back. Mom came after me but till then I was reached the main door. She quickly clutched my hand and stopped me from going anywhere. She tried to console me telling that I have to come out of this and start my life afresh. I kept on crying without speaking a word. After so much efforts of her I stopped crying. Since then there is a complete silence at home.

I have no idea if I had left home where had I gone or what had I done. But I really don't want to see my family worried all the time. This was the biggest step I ever have taken. Definitely Mom and Sweta both are shocked. I know they won't ask me anything now. I am completely fed up of my life and all these sufferings. I want all this to get over as soon as possible .

5 weeks...

15-April-2014
Tuesday
12:32 P.M.

5 weeks... Only I know how each and everyday has gone. I know it sounds stupid to cry over something which was never yours. How can I be such an emotional fool? The fact is even I didn't know this is how I am. It feels bad when something you adore ends but it hurts more when you still cling to what has ended. I know it's all over but I am still clinging to it.

5 weeks isn't a short span of time to forget things. It's long enough to realize that you'll never come back. Our ways are parted. Our lives are separated. Our paths will never cross again. Damn! Despite of knowing everything I am crying over you.

The date, the time, the moment, the memories of past remind me of all I had once. This life means nothing to me now. I have lost all I had. My friends and my family too. All hopes are dead and dreams are shattered. Could love do such things to anyone? It surely did to me. I remember all those moments we spent together. I think over and over again. I can't get rid of past memories.  I smile,  I cry, I burn at the same moment, every single time you cross my mind. It's so difficult to resist myself from not getting sad and teary. Unbearably sad.

Even today my mind cannot register the fact that we are not together. I don't how easy is it for you but for me its most impossible thing to do. Everything seems so incomplete. I always felt complete with you. If I were a body you were my soul. No matter for how long I stop talking to you or fight with you, even you knew I am the weakest in this relationship and I'll come back. I don't know if you used my emotions  or took me for granted. Didn't it hurt you even a bit?

With every thought of you my pain sharpens. It seems as if someone piercing my heart and I cannot even defend myself. People say only closed one have the power to hurt you deepest. So true they are. You did the same with me. I am at the point where neither I can die nor I can live. When I think of my parents I feel so bad. What mistake they have done? I am hurting them for no reason. They did everything for me, fulfilled my every wish and gave me the best upbringing they could. I wish they could get me back my lost two years too.

Toughest morning...

14-April-2014
Monday
7:14 A.M.

In last 33 days it was the scariest night and today its toughest morning for me. All night passed in tears. Don't remember when I slept and when I woke up. Now again the same condition. Have tears in my eyes . Don't know what's wrong with me and why I want to cry so much. Rather I should say I don't want to cry but I can't stop myself from crying.

Whole night I was thinking of the ways to die without troubling anyone. Many times I thought to hang myself or swallow all the available medicines in my room. Only I know how I stopped myself from taking any of those steps. I don't know for how long I will be able to stop myself. I am scared now.

I am feeling so restless as if something wrong is going to happen  God knows what more wrong is left to happen .

23:25 P.M.

Everything is getting wrong. Never had such a bad time ever in my life. Since morning I was not feeling good and at last things turned to their worst. I was almost fainted in class today. My hands went numb and body was ice cold. My friends, teachers and all the staff was shocked. They informed dad and dad had to come to take me back home. For a moment I thought I was passed away but unfortunately I didn't. I regained consciousness soon. Mom, dad and sweta all are so much worried now. Doctor said it was only due to low BP and weakness but I know its not the reason. I know what dad must be going through. He might not express but he is concerned. He understands something is troubling her daughter but he doesn't know how to ask as we never communicated much. I was sleeping since I came back to home and now when I am awake I can feel silence everywhere around me.

Sweta is sleeping beside me. She is also not well today and see how helpless I am, I cannot even look after her. Everyday she looks after me like a mother, takes care of me like an elder sister, tries to make me smile like a best friend and now when I should take care of her I am unable to do anything for her. She is the best sister anyone can have and I am the worst. I am feeling so miserable. Don't know if she has taken her dinner or not. She never eats without feeding me. She is the only reason I am still alive and breathing.

I am not getting where my life is taking me. I was never like this. I don't understand what has changed me so much. Is that the love we had or the broken trust? I feel the nerves in my head shaking. It's so much hurting me. What should I do to move out of this trauma? There is no way out. Seems all doors to happiness have closed and I am locked inside a deep dark chamber of pain to die. All I can see is darkness around me. No ray of right. Its better to die than to stay lifeless like this.:(

Streaming drops...

13-April -2014
Sunday
6:59 A.M.

20:17 P.M.

Somehow I tried to keep myself calm and composed whole day long. Remained busy with books and internet. Thought I am healing. But this was just a distraction which didn't last long. I lost it. Once again I am failed to recover. I am crying profusely here again. Locking myself inside the room I am crying from past one hour. Reason? I really don't know why. I am clueless. Tears are streaming down and I can't stop them. I really want to die. I can't live like this. This is enough for me. I can't bear this pain anymore. I don't want to die bit by bit. I want this pain to end once and for all. :'(:'(:'(

Don't know what I am up to . Don't know what I want. Don't know what I should do to let it all over. I have given up. It's not in my control now. Everytime I think things are getting better something or other thing has come up to mess it all. I have no strength to face all this. I am getting weaker day by day. Losing myself bit by bit. I don't know how long I will survive like this. I don't want anyone to know what I am going through. But the condition I am in says it all. I don't want anyone to come and see me like this crying dreadfully.

Only thought that's running to my mind is to kill myself and end this pain. Any possible way is fine with me. Hanging myself from fan, having lots of sleeping pills or any other drug or cutting my nerves anything.. just anything that can make me free from all this suffering.:'(:'( It's going way too far I had ever thought. I want to go away from everything and everyone.

I always lived a life with pride. I don't want anyone to know how broken and weak I am. I cannot see my own sister looking at me with concern and sympathy in her eyes. It hurts me. :'(:'(:'( I don't know what to do. How to stop myself from crying like this? I don't even have a reason to say why I am crying. My eyes refuse to follow me. I am afraid if anyone came here what would I say. How will I explain why am I crying like this? I just want to die.:'( I cannot explain anyone why I have become like this. Alive still dead. I cannot live like this. I am not that strong in hiding my feelings and pretend as if everything is fine. My eyes and silence say it all. I feel so suffocating here. Sometimes all I wish is to run away to some isolated place where no one know me and no one stop me from crying. Sometimes I want to kill myself and leave everything behind. I know it won't effect much to anyone except Sweta. But I know she is stronger than me. She will handle my death too. :'(

I have no wish to live anymore:'( Every breath I am taking is burden for me.:'( I cannot bear this burden now.:'( I am tired of everything:'( Just want to end everything.:'(

I wish time could roll back...

12-April -2014
Saturday
6:19 A.M.

'Sometimes I wish I could turn back time... impossible as it may seem. '

Lyrics of a  famous song by Backstreet boys. There comes a time in life when we want to turn back the time . I too wish the same. I really wish I could roll back to the time when we met. I know its not possible at any cost.

One month is over now. We are no more together. No hopes to be together in future too. There is a gaping void in my life. A void only can fill and no one else. Isn't it ironic the one with whom I wanted to spend my every moment and who was equally passionate for me not with me now? We were meant to be together. The most enviable couple. People used to say that I am so fortunate to have a partner like you. Now only I know how my fortune has turned into misfortune. We are no longer together. Destiny has snatched away all my happiness in a moment.

It hardly matters to me that one month has passed as you still occupy my mind and heart like before. Whatever I do, whatever I think you're always at the back of my mind. I am clueless why I am so much addicted of you. I shouldn't be. I won't get anything in return. Yes I know everything. But this heart.. it never listens to me. It always find some logic in irrational things. Certainly there is something wrong with it. Don't know what.

Seriously if I could roll back the time first thing I would have done is not to meet you ever. I don't regret the time I met you or the time I spent with. They were one of the best moment of my life. All I want is not to get involved with you like this. It's so painful to lose someone you thought is all yours. You were like a prized possession to me. I adored you. You meant my life to me.

1 Month...

11-April-2014
Friday
6:41 A.M.

Time passes. Memories stay.

1 month... 1 complete month has gone by today. I have spent a whole month without you. Everyday missing you more than anything. After all 2 years of ones life is a considerable amount of time. How can I forget, in that time you were with me like my shadow, never leaving me alone whether I want it or not.

I am in tears here. I don't know if you even remember me or not. Doesn't it hurt you now? I always thought if I walked out of this relationship you'll be broken but I know my notions were wrong. It's me who is broken and hurt.

Addiction to something(someone ) die hard. I am so much addicted to you even today. Don't know what is it which is not letting me move ahead. Some invisible force always pulls me closer to you.

Its been a month today but still your name has the power to set  my heart racing. I still remember when I used to wake up late night and buzz your cell with texts until you too wake up and tell me stories. I remember the silly code words we used and only we could understand them. The non- stop chat which made sense only to us. How wonderful relationship it was. Suddenly everything fell apart. I am filled with a deep sense of longing. A feeling of loss. A feeling of loneliness . I maybe laying here beside  Sweta on our  bed and typing all this but I am miles away from her. I am in a different world. A world where no one mattered to me except you. That feeling of possessiveness. You were my..  only my. My buddhu.

A sweet memory can do magic. See I am smiling with tears flowing down my cheeks.

Keeping the evidence of a broken relationship is seriously a worst idea. Yes I haven't deleted any of the mail, chats and screenshots. I really tried to delete the mails but when it asked to confirm if I really want to delete I pressed no. I couldn't gather enough courage to delete them. I cannot bear them to lose after losing you. What an emotional fool I am. Perhaps I couldn't delete them because for me its not over. Perhaps my heart is still having a fake hope that you and I will be together once again. Perhaps one day things will change and you'll come back and say sorry for leaving me like this. Perhaps...

All these physical evidences of our undying love make me feel so helpless. I feel something strange inside me. Sometimes I want to show you all this and ask, 'What happened to all that love Shrey? What happened?  Are you happy now? How the hell you dared do this to me? Don't you have a conscience? Don't you have a heart? Had you forgotten everything we had gone through? Had you forgotten two years we spent together ? Do you think of me? Do you miss me? Hell... do you even care if I am alive or dead? How could you do this to me? How?' Give me answers dammit!!

For others I am healing and I'll be fine underneath the pain is still raw, excruciating and unbearable. Only I know how this whole month has passed without you. It seems like ages. I am not sure if you will ever realise what a relationship actually means. I doubt that you'll ever understand something so pure and genuine. For me you were 'The one' only one. There was no one like you...there will no one ever be. No one can take your place in my heart. No one.. just no one matches you.( or rather I should say I cannot feel for others the way I felt for you.)

Surely Unsure...

10-April-2014
Thursday
22:10 P.M.

Be sure twice before you take a decision for lifetime. Time once gone never comes back.

It's not as easy as they say. Some decisions are so random but they possess the power to change our lives. One such random decision of my life was choosing you. Although I took my own time without letting anyone know yet the moment I accepted it was so random. I actually didn't know I would say yes like this and my yes will change my life so drastically. I so hate myself for saying it.

I am sure you'll never understand the depth of my pain. I maybe was a game for you. You really played it well and won too. This is something I had never ever expected from you. Had I known this truth will hurt me like this, I would never have shared it with Iti. This is so painful for me to endure it.

I can't believe myself what I have become. Today just a gtalk message tone made me shudder with fear. I was shaken by just a notification tone. Not because I was so engrossed in reading a novel, its because that notification tone reminded me of you. How we used to join all the apps only  to stay together each and every moment. How we used to chat on different apps talking on different topics simultaneously. On one romancing and on other casually talking. How things have changed? Now I don't have any reason to use any of the app.

Even today if anything funny or important happens here I want you to be the first one to know. I still think I'll tell you this, I'll tell you that and then scold myself for doing all this. I try to bury your memories at the back of my mind but they push and come back.

I sit with everyone but still miles away from them. It takes time to understand what someone is actually saying to me because my mind is always wandering in some other world 

Its difficult for me to understand myself even. At one moment I want to forget you, bury your memories and get over you but at the other moment I want you back, Cherish the memories and spend every possible moment of my life with you. I am so unsure and undecided. I don't know what I actually want. Do I want to forget you? Do I want you back even after knowing the truth? Do I want to forget the past? Do I still want to be with you? So many questions and I am puzzled.

Uprooting yourself is so damn impossible. You know its going to kill you but still you have to do it.