Hopeless...

May 31st, 2014
Saturday
6:35 A.M.

There are moments in life when you want to scream aloud, you want to express your pain but all you have to do is to fake a smile, showing you're fine. The same is happening with me. I am forcing smile on my face. Why we have to pretend what we are not? Why we have to show that we are okay when we are clearly not?

I am losing hope of regaining my strength back. The circumstances aren't in my favor I guess. Not even my luck is in my favor. My all ways to stay strong are failing one by one.

I was expecting Aarav's presence will help me to come out of my world of loneliness. Of course he is trying his best to cheer me up and make me smile. Yeah I smile too on his silly jokes but these smiles stay as long as he is around. As soon as he goes my smiles go away too. Rather I should say I fake smiles when we are together. I don't like seeing him sad. Why he should pay for something what he hasn't done? He has all the rights to stay happy.

2:30 P.M.

Okay so again I m not feeling good. No I have no reason why I am feeling musty. I was trying to write the new story but my mind isn't concentrated on story. Its wandering. My all thoughts have a final destination and that's you. Even today I think had you been here what would have you said. I am not interested in story anymore. No way to talk to you. Actually I have ways to contact you but the thing is there isn't any point in talking to you now. What will I say? What will I ask? I know you've no explanation for your act.

I am surprised at myself. I know everything. I understand everything. Then why the hell its so difficult to accept it? Why tears are filled in my eyes when I know I did no mistake? I don't know if you feel the same or not.

I can't help it. I have no one to talk to. Those who are here I don't like to talk to them and you're not here to listen me. I am giving words to my feelings. Though these words can never define what I am going through in real but I feel relieved after penning down my thoughts.

Why me...??

June 1st, 2014
Sunday
2:57 A.M.

Woke up a few moments before because of a nightmare. I am scared of sleeping now a days. It's not the first time I have woke up with cold sweat. From last few days I am seeing this nightmare. It feels I am falling from somewhere so high. Someone has pushed me I think. I am falling and falling. My eyes are shut with terror. There is no end. I want to shout for help but not able to speak. Its too dark. Before I touch the ground I woke up. I have seen this dream so many times. People say every dream has some meaning. I don't know what this dream wants to convey. It's not a dream for me rather its a nightmare.

I am actually terrified now. I cannot  share all this with anyone. Not even with mom and sweta as they will think its only my imagination. I am feeling so alone now. I have no one left in my life with whom I can share what I feel. I don't even have words to put together how much terrified I am right now. I am always afraid of dark and loneliness and only they are left in my life. Am I too bad? Did I do something wrong? Why all this is happening with me? Don't I deserve to be happy? What is my mistake? At least I deserve an explanation to know why I have to face all these sufferings.

I can't sleep back. This nightmare terrifies me. I have no one to talk with. The feeling of loneliness is the worst feeling in this world. Its better to die than to live like a corpse. I didn't ever know I'll become so weak without you. All I am doing is to drowning myself deeper in the sea of tears and sorrow. I am not getting any way to come out of this trauma.

From the day you've left me till today the pain has increased incessantly. I think about you, I miss you, I cry and cry endlessly.

Please come back:'( From anywhere and anyhow:'( I am dying here every moment.:'( I can't stop crying:'( Nothing and no one can bring my happiness back except you. Please please please come back. I don't know what to do to bring you back. Why can't you see my tears now? Don't you know you're my life? :'( please aa jao. Nhi reh pa rhi hu mai tumhare bina. Kuch acha nhi lagta. Kuch bhi nhi. Sab adhura lagta hai. Mai khud ko samjha bhi nhi pa rhi hu. Please wapas aa jao. Please aa jao. I don't know kya karu, kya kahu, kaha jau. I just feel like dieing. Kuch bhi samajh me nhi aa rha kya karu. I am tired of this crying and living without you. :'(

Sometime...All the time...everytime

May 30th, 2014
Friday
10:37 A.M.

It doesn't make sense to let go something you had for so long but it also doesn't make any sense to hold on when nothing is left.

Not having a good day. Feeling feverish and very uneasy. Eyes are paining too. Heart is racing frantically. M feeling as if something wrong is going to happen. Fingers crossed. I hope nothing wrong happens now. I have already faced a lot in past few months. Don't know why I am just not feeling good. I told this to mom also when she was working in kitchen but she said its all because of summer season. She didn't take my words seriously and somehow missed the expression of my pale face. I'm seriously not feeling good.

Today it's Aarav's birthday. I wished him in early morning when he was sleeping.  I am happy because my call made him happy. We're planning for a small gathering at his place as he is also not well. I have assured him that I'll come. I actually don't want to go but I don't have any choice but to meet him. He planned my birthday very well. Now its my turn to do something for him. I cannot let him down.

I am not worried about about meeting Aarav, I am scared of meeting other people at his place. I kind of feel scary in crowd. Too many people, laughing, talking, gossiping, asked questions... too much to take. Irritating buzz. I just feel like running. Running away from all that buzz.

In all these days I feel comfortable only in my room, in utter silence. Crowd, voices, questions, smiles they all make me panic. I don't know what is going to happen. I haven't decided what to gift him. Few days back I promised him to bring a nice shirt but that isn't enough. I have to think something more to make him feel special. His expectations must be high as he knows I'm good at making surprise plans. Little does he know that I'm not the same girl now. It's not easy for me to plan something special this time. I'm really scared and nervous too.

11:15 P.M.

Me-You=Emptiness

May 29th, 2014
Thursday
5:00 A.M.

Although we aren't together anymore, I still miss you the most.

Even when I have thousands of reasons to leave you, I always get one reason to hold on to you.  That one reason is LOVE. My love for you will never change. Today you're not here with me in my life but I cannot forget the time when you were with me, when I owned you.

So many times I want to go back to the time when we met first. No, not to hold you forever but to wipe out them from my life. It would've saved me from the pain I am facing today. For others its all rubbish to think love someone who actually doesn't exist now but I know you existed for me. The love between us was never fake. I know if I miss the time we spent together you must be missing them too. If I feel incomplete without you, you must be feeling alone too. If I miss your good morning wish, you'll be feeling restless too. I know you very well. If its hard for me to survive here, it cannot be easy for you either.

20:47 P.M.

Don't know why I am not feeling good. Maybe I am missing you. Having headache and eyes are paining too. Not feeling like talking to anyone. Day was okay. I have started working on a new story. I started this story long back but I didn't finish it. Now thinking to complete it. Very much confused about the names of characters. I wish I could ask you for suggestions. Right now I have chosen Shlok and Shruti but I ain't satisfied with any of them. It's not appealing to me. Had you been there, you would've helped me for sure. Unfortunately you aren't here. I know I cannot force you to be with me but I can wish at least.

You know what even today if I see a falling star I wish for you, even today if I bow my head to pray, I pray for you. Whenever I get hiccups I think it would be you missing me. I understand its all foolish but these things are beyond my control.

It's always you...

May 28th, 2014
Wednesday
20:48 P.M.

Everytime I try to move on you are there. Everytime I try to hold you, you are gone.

I actually don't know from where to start. Every breath I take has your memories. Even if I try to convince myself that it has to happen someday so I don't need to think about all this, my heart won't accept it.

I don't know if I miss you or I'm missing myself. Nothing makes sense to me. How things started to how things ended, everything is so confusing. I tried to recollect when I started falling for you. I couldn't remember anything. I guess we had some strange bonding since start. I still remember the first time I noticed you was when Priya introduced you ad her bf. We had talked earlier too but that was the first time when I noticed you. After that I don't remember how we got separated from the whole group. I can't recall anything about the time I started loving you. Maybe I don't remember about the day, date or time but one thing I am sure about is that it was always you who made me happy.

Nothing as changed today also. Even today only you are the one who has the power to make me smile. Thank you so much that you wished me. I don't know if you hadn't wished me how would I had spent my day. Maybe in tears. You know I haven't opened some of the gifts yet. Getting gifts and opening them as soon as possible was a craze for me but this time they are still wrapped and kept in my cupboard. I am not feeling to open them.

I really wanted to show you the pictures of party and gifts. I wanted to tell you everything about my day. I miss our old conversations when I used to tell you anything and everything on my mind. Missing you isn't something I do willingly. It happens itself.

11 Weeks + happy birthday to me + added smiles..

May 27th, 2014
Tuesday
12:47 A.M.

What a day! 11 weeks of our falling apart and my birthday. Receiving wishes from everyone. Calls, texts, whatsapp, gmail all are flooded with wishes. Happy, smiling, getting gifts.. what else is needed for a happy birthday? I know you remember my birthday. You can never forget it. Not even in your dreams. It's not my blind faith, its my love. I know you. I know you'd be thinking to wish me too but the anticipation of you should or you should not is stopping you. I really wish you'd wished me first like last year. It would've multiplied my happiness. But it's okay. I have no right to expect anything now. I have no right over you. You're no more mine. I know its stupid but I am still hoping that you'll wish me. I am eagerly waiting for you to wish me. Maybe just a simple text but please wish me. I cannot sleep. I know you must be awake too. I wish we could talk. I wish you could make me smile again like before.

5:14 A.M.

New day, new hopes, new life. By now all my close ones have wished me, except the one who is closest to my heart. You haven't wished me yet. Am I hoping too much? My heart says you can never forget my birthday. You maybe feeling the same as I. Confused. See where life has taken us. just 11 weeks ago we used to share every breath ours and today we're confused how to strike a conversation. Funny. Isn't it? I'm feeling like dying on my own birthday. I'm not feeling happy at all. Received wishes and gifts in night itself, still there isn't smile on my face and eyes are wet. I really don't want to cry. My sad face will make others sad but I am scared that I'd be able to hold my tears for too long.

7:10 A.M.

Omggggg.. you wished me. I can't believe it. Thank you sooooooo much. I knew it. I knew you can never forget my birthday. I knew you'll wish me. I know you well. I cannot be wrong when it comes to you. Your gtalk is activated again. I'm more than happy. You know what I am still crying. I know I'm silly. I have always heard about tears of happiness. Today I know what actually it means. I am happy still I have tears in my eyes.
I want to reply you right now but I am scared. I want to say thank you for making my day special but I've not replied you only because I am scared it may bring a new start. It may begin an end. I may not be replying you right now and I won't reply later too but it's just because I have no strength to go onto same phase.

11:35 P.M.

Day is coming to an end. It was overall a good day. Shipra, Shivangi, Deeksha, Sameer, Ankit came to home. I saw Shipra after her birthday on march 30th. I am glad she came. I know she was upset with me since her birthday still she came here. It's a big deal to me. We had a great time together. We talked a lot, laughed, discussed everything we could. It didn't feel that we met after two months. With others too I had good time but Shipra means more than anymore to me.

In evening I went out with Aarav, Iti, Priyam, Vidit, Nits and Ananya di. I had severe headache but I could not cancel the plan. They all wanted me to come. I went only half-hearted. I know they all love me and in last few days the way I have behaved isn't right from any way. I have to make everything right once again. I cannot let everyone down.

They all got unexpected gifts to me and the most unexpected gift is given by Aarav. Guess what he has gifted me. He has gifted me a GUITAR. Yes, a brown colour acoustic guitar. I have received so many gifts today from jewelry to handbag but this one is so special. I am actually surprised how he thought of such a gift. I mean I don't even know how to play guitar. Second best gift of this special day. Obviously first gift is your wish. Without that my happiness would've been incomplete.

We cut the cake and celebrated. One more unexpected thing happened today. I had vodka. Yeah after a long time I tasted alcohol.

Mixed feelings...

May 25th, 2014
Sunday
5:25 A.M.

Getting over someone is just a false notion. The truth is that we just learn that someone can never be ours.

I hate myself. I can never forgive myself. I am the one responsible for my condition today. No one forced me to be like this. Why I am punishing myself when I clearly know that it wasn't my mistake? Why I cannot think beyond you? Morning to evening your thoughts linger in my head. They mess with my emotions. I