14 Weeks...

June 24th, 2014
Tuesday
9:44 A.M.

So today 14 weeks have passed. Damn three and half months. Without you. Sounds weird. To whom am I telling this? To others or to me? More to me actually. Now when I'm sitting here in my bed alone, I'm feeling a little uneasy. It's so difficult to accept that I am still alive. Nah actually I am only breathing. I am not alive. Nothing inside me makes me feel that I  am living like before. That real me has lost somewhere in some other world.

That girl whose chirpy voice used to fill the aura with new melody.
That girl who was beautiful and messy at the same time.
That girl who was a rebel, who couldn't tolerate anything wrong happening in front of her.
The girl whose lips were always curved.

That sweet girl is lost. Yes I have lost myself in process of becoming yours. Now when I look back I fail to accept that It's me.

The way you are reacting these days has made clear that I mean a lot to you. I understand things cannot be like before and

Multiplied pain...Divided smiles

June 23rd, 2014
Monday
5:20 A.M.

Love, when you are ready not when you are lonely.

How true it is! I fell in love when I was lonely not when I was ready. Oh wait!  Do I know when I fell in love?  No, I don't even know when did I fall in love. Was it when I saw you in group with Priya and others?  Was it when we started talking privately leaving the group? Was it when we never asked for any formal intro? Was it when we got to know that we liked similar songs? Was it when we found out that we're similar in every way? Was it when we had first fight and missed each other like anything?  Was it when you told about Siona and I suggested you to go on even when I didn't feel good? Was it when you told me to back and hold my past again? In fact was there any moment when I wasn't in love or we we're not in love? Every breath is evident of our never ending love.

The time slipped like sand from our hands. The happiness is lost. The pain has become my forever companion. I won't be able to love or trust again. Day by day my pain is multiplying and my joys are getting divided.

Unending questions...

June 22nd, 2014
Sunday
6:30 A.M.

Weekend morning. I remember how special and important it was for me always. I used to wait for Sunday so that I can spend sometime with the one I loved(love). Now its no more significant like before. Not even as important too. Got no reasons to wait for Sunday. I miss those moments. I miss how I loved to smile with you. You made me feel happy. You made me smile. You made me feel complete.

Now when things have changed other way round I feel so incomplete without you. There is always a void within me. I feel hollow inside. It's so painful.

Why things have changed?  Why you are gone away? Why can't I feel like before?  Why can't I be happy like I used to be? Why I have to bear this unending pain? What was my mistake? Where was I wrong? 

Questions, questions and only questions. All unanswered. Why don't anyone come and answer me? I am tangled in the matrix of innumerable questions. People say it's better to let go off things and forget past. Why don't someone tells me how to erase the memories?  Is there any way to format life?

These mornings are no longer happier ones. I don't feel like getting up from bed and face everyone else. Above all I am having this headache. Today even though its light headache than previous days still I want to close my eyes again. I haven't slept whole night.

Last night Sweta and I were talking to each other till 2:00 A.M. at terrace.  We didn't discuss anything serious but I think it was for the first time in last four months when we sat together and chatted. I won't say I talked. It was only she who told me about so many things. I had nothing to tell. I feel mom or maybe any of my friend has said her to find out whats going on in my mind. The way she was trying to make me speak my heart out was definitely not her way to handle me. Whatever it was I want to say thanx to God for blessing me with a sister like her.

Dead end..

June 21st, 2014
Saturday
8:23 A.M.

Woke up with severe headache. It seems my head will burst with this pain. Things appear blurred to me. Don't want to leave bed. It hurts even if I try to raise my head from pillow.  I don't know how to say this to Maa that I'm not feeling good. She thinks everyday I've some or other issue. I wish someone could read my mind and understand what I want to say. Its so darn impossible for me to put  my feelings into words. Words don't come out easily as if they are struck in my throat. Even if I try to say something they come out like broken chunks, not to be understandable by anyone.

From last three days I am feeling so depressed. I have reason too for feeling so. A reason which is irrelevant to others but significant to me. I'm feeling suicidal right now. First this headache and then this strange feeling inside me is killing me. Its so painful to die in bits every moment.

People say life is the name of moving on. It never stops for me but for me time has seized. I'm struck to 11th March, 2014.

I am thinking to kill myself seriously this time.:'( I'm tired of this life. I can no longer endure this pain. I can't fight with myself anymore. It tears me apart to think that things will never turn up the way I wanted or I want. My all dreams are shattered. My all hopes are died. Every moment my past haunts me. I try to run away from all those memories but they clutch me in their sharp claws, tearing every bit of my soul, making me realize I am trapped in my past.

Committed to pain...

June 5th, 2014
Thursday
19:16 P.M.

Life is like a two faced coin. When you toss the coin you never know which face will be up. In the same way you never know when the days of heavenly realms will turn into nightmare.

During the days when we were together I never paid attention to anything else. Nothing mattered for me. Whatever was happening around me was of least concern. I never cared. All that mattered to me was You(still its you). All I needed was you(today also). But now when you're not around I feel so alone. I feel a part of me missing. I feel as if someone has taken out my soul. I feel empty.

I am wavering in my own world. I created this world with you, for you. Now when you're not the part of this world it fails to Keep me happy. There is a cacophony of voices in my head which I cannot decipher. Being stuck in these undecipherable voices is certainly not ingenious. I am screwed. It amazes me how much things have been changed in these three months.

Giving voice to unsaid was once my forte and today I'm unable to decipher the voices of my own mind.

Tussle of emotions...

June 4th, 2014
Wednesday
9:33 A.M.

You are in all my prayers...
Your memories are around me everywhere...
You are my divine song...
You are where I belong...

Everyday when I start writing this page I get confused from where to start, what to write, everyday the same thing that I miss you and you're all I want. Sounds creepy. I know.

I hope someone was there for me to understand and help me to give words to my feelings. I have so many things to say, so many emotions to express, so many words waiting to be said. Its a turbulent phase for me. Handling this tussle of emotions is a tough job specially when I have lost the one who used to understand my all unsaid words.

Today I am walking in a deep dark tunnel with no hint of any light. I sometimes want to scream that I'm tired of faking these smiles. I am broken and dead. I don't want to live anymore. I can't take all this anymore. I want to cry. I want to die. But I feel the voice of my soul is chocked in my throat.

I wonder where everything went so wrong all of a sudden. What let this coldness between us. We used to fight, get angry also but nothing had the power to drift us apart. Today everything has changed. Neither you are you nor I am I. All the love, desperation and passion has lost somewhere in an unknown zone where I cannot go to get it back.

So many random thoughts and uncountable emotions are bursting in my head waiting to be said and expressed. Long sleepless nights and tiring restless days with silent sobs have become my constant companions. I never expected this.

11:15 P.M.

Today once again your id was logged in for whole day. I was glad to see the online mark on it.

12 Weeks...

June 3rd, 2014
Tuesday
5:10 A.M.

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Okay so today 12 weeks are going to over. 12 weeks without you. Longest time spent without you. Big deal. Isn't it? Perhaps not for you, but for me it is. How silly of me! Opened my eyes and writing all this. Can't help it. As I woke up the first thing that came to my mind was the day. Every week this day comes and reminds of the day when we moved apart. The day I lost you.

So let me recall what all has changed in past 12 weeks since you left me alone. Actually let me reframe the question. What is same as before single you've left? I don't need to stress my mind to answer it. Simply the answer is NOTHING. Neither me nor anything else.

It takes lot of time to build a pyramid of cards but it takes just a slight blow of air to break it. My life has become the same stack of cards. It took two years to make our relationship so strong and unbreakable and it took just a moment to break all the promises and faith. All dreams shattered in just one moment. Smiles faded as if they never existed.

8:00 P.M.

Day is coming to an end. If I say I missed you a lot then there is nothing new. Missing you is like beating of heart, I cannot stop it even if I wish to. I was actually checking my mails sometime back. Whole of my Inbox, sent mails, starred mails, important mails, draft messages are filled with your messages. I didn't dare to open and read any of them.

It's painful to open and read them. I am already suffering from so much pain. I cannot take it anymore.

Hopeless...

May 31st, 2014
Saturday
6:35 A.M.

There are moments in life when you want to scream aloud, you want to express your pain but all you have to do is to fake a smile, showing you're fine. The same is happening with me. I am forcing smile on my face. Why we have to pretend what we are not? Why we have to show that we are okay when we are clearly not?

I am losing hope of regaining my strength back. The circumstances aren't in my favor I guess. Not even my luck is in my favor. My all ways to stay strong are failing one by one.

I was expecting Aarav's presence will help me to come out of my world of loneliness. Of course he is trying his best to cheer me up and make me smile. Yeah I smile too on his silly jokes but these smiles stay as long as he is around. As soon as he goes my smiles go away too. Rather I should say I fake smiles when we are together. I don't like seeing him sad. Why he should pay for something what he hasn't done? He has all the rights to stay happy.

2:30 P.M.

Okay so again I m not feeling good. No I have no reason why I am feeling musty. I was trying to write the new story but my mind isn't concentrated on story. Its wandering. My all thoughts have a final destination and that's you. Even today I think had you been here what would have you said. I am not interested in story anymore. No way to talk to you. Actually I have ways to contact you but the thing is there isn't any point in talking to you now. What will I say? What will I ask? I know you've no explanation for your act.

I am surprised at myself. I know everything. I understand everything. Then why the hell its so difficult to accept it? Why tears are filled in my eyes when I know I did no mistake? I don't know if you feel the same or not.

I can't help it. I have no one to talk to. Those who are here I don't like to talk to them and you're not here to listen me. I am giving words to my feelings. Though these words can never define what I am going through in real but I feel relieved after penning down my thoughts.

Why me...??

June 1st, 2014
Sunday
2:57 A.M.

Woke up a few moments before because of a nightmare. I am scared of sleeping now a days. It's not the first time I have woke up with cold sweat. From last few days I am seeing this nightmare. It feels I am falling from somewhere so high. Someone has pushed me I think. I am falling and falling. My eyes are shut with terror. There is no end. I want to shout for help but not able to speak. Its too dark. Before I touch the ground I woke up. I have seen this dream so many times. People say every dream has some meaning. I don't know what this dream wants to convey. It's not a dream for me rather its a nightmare.

I am actually terrified now. I cannot  share all this with anyone. Not even with mom and sweta as they will think its only my imagination. I am feeling so alone now. I have no one left in my life with whom I can share what I feel. I don't even have words to put together how much terrified I am right now. I am always afraid of dark and loneliness and only they are left in my life. Am I too bad? Did I do something wrong? Why all this is happening with me? Don't I deserve to be happy? What is my mistake? At least I deserve an explanation to know why I have to face all these sufferings.

I can't sleep back. This nightmare terrifies me. I have no one to talk with. The feeling of loneliness is the worst feeling in this world. Its better to die than to live like a corpse. I didn't ever know I'll become so weak without you. All I am doing is to drowning myself deeper in the sea of tears and sorrow. I am not getting any way to come out of this trauma.

From the day you've left me till today the pain has increased incessantly. I think about you, I miss you, I cry and cry endlessly.

Please come back:'( From anywhere and anyhow:'( I am dying here every moment.:'( I can't stop crying:'( Nothing and no one can bring my happiness back except you. Please please please come back. I don't know what to do to bring you back. Why can't you see my tears now? Don't you know you're my life? :'( please aa jao. Nhi reh pa rhi hu mai tumhare bina. Kuch acha nhi lagta. Kuch bhi nhi. Sab adhura lagta hai. Mai khud ko samjha bhi nhi pa rhi hu. Please wapas aa jao. Please aa jao. I don't know kya karu, kya kahu, kaha jau. I just feel like dieing. Kuch bhi samajh me nhi aa rha kya karu. I am tired of this crying and living without you. :'(